julz🤍

Each child you passed as you walked to the end of the queue was louder and more hyper than the last and you grimaced and turned to Larissa with an apology on the tip of your tongue, only to find her smiling pleasantly at Alice as the little girl skipped beside her, divulging in great, trivial detail what she had already told you at breakfast about her Christmas wishlist. 

Of course Larissa was good with children — you couldn’t fathom why she wouldn’t be, running a school, after all. Kids of all ages went to Nevermore, though you usually only saw the older students in Jericho. Apparently she was a natural even with the little ones, so much so that she hardly seemed to notice the din that the kids at the mall made, which was already starting to give you a headache. 

“Could you guys watch the kids for us?” Deanna asked, trying to put Ben down. He clung to her neck, his little face already scrunching up and turning red. She sighed, glancing at you pleadingly, though before you could react, Larissa was already reaching out her arms. 

“May I?”

“Yeah — please.” 

Larissa took Ben into her arms — he resisted at first, grabbing onto Deanna’s hair and letting out a wail, but she managed to pry herself from his strong, toddler grasp. Larissa clutched him to her chest and began to coo at him.

“Thank you, we’ll try to be back before you guys reach Santa.” Deanna grasped her husband’s elbow, lowering her voice. “Last minute presents.” 

The two of them disappeared in a throng of people, leaving you and Larissa with Alice and Ben. The former hardly noticed her parent’s absence, rocking on her heels and craning her neck to see Santa in a sort of feverish anticipation, while the latter was sniffling into Larissa’s neck, his little hands balled into fists against the front of her dress. 

To say you were impressed was an understatement — Ben was generally a pretty quiet child but once he started crying, it was nearly impossible to get him to stop. And he could be loud. But Larissa held him tightly, one arm under his bottom and the other hand at the back of his head, gently stroking dark curls as she whispered to him and rocked him back and forth. Bright blue eyes locked onto yours overtop his head, and you felt your palms turn clammy in an instant. Painted lips curled into an easy smile, and you felt your knees turn to something closely resembling jell-o. There was something dizzying about Larissa holding your nephew as if he was her own, something that made your heart skip a beat.

You smiled back (at least, you hoped you did — you felt a bit faint all of a sudden) and were very grateful for the distraction when Alice tugged at your coat and asked you how long the queue would take.

“I don’t know, all these kids have to tell Santa what they want for Christmas, too.”

Her eyes widened in sudden horror. “Is he going to have time to give us all presents?” she asked anxiously. You crouched beside her, holding her by the shoulders in what you hoped was a comforting manner. 

“Of course he is. He’s been bringing kids all over the world their presents, for hundreds of years.” “That’s why it’s so important we leave out carrots for the reindeer,” Larissa supplied, and your head snapped up to see her peering down at you and Alice. “To give them the energy to fly quickly enough.”

Alice soaked in Larissa’s words, nodding gravely. She craned her neck again to look down the queue, and you stared up at Larissa, who winked at you. You swallowed thickly, rising slowly to your feet, your knees popping on your way up and making Larissa laugh. 

“I thought you were younger than I am, your knees are already giving out?” she teased.

“You have no idea,” you replied weakly.

The queue took ages and even when you reached the front, Deanna and Dan were nowhere in sight. Alice held onto your hand tightly, her grip strong and her expression grave, as though she was gearing up for the most important moment of her life. Ben was looking very sleepy in Larissa’s arms, his head resting against her chest and his eyelids heavy as Larissa shifted him subtly in her arms.

“You can put him down if he’s getting too heavy, you know,” you murmured. “He’s got legs, he’s old enough to stand for a minute.”

Larissa looked mildly offended. “No, he’s alright,” she insisted with a shake of her head, pressing a soft kiss to his curls. “I don’t mind.” 

You rolled your eyes and let out a playful huff. “Suit yourself, just don’t complain when your arms are sore tomorrow. You shouldn’t let my sister’s kids wrap you around their little fingers like that, they’re spoiled rotten enough as is.” 

Larissa rolled her eyes right back, a witty retort no doubt forming on the tip of her tongue, though you’d never hear it — the elf standing at the front of the queue cleared his throat and approached Alice in that moment. 

“Are you ready to meet Santa?”

She nodded shyly, a look of trepidation crossing her face. You knelt down beside her, her hand squeezing yours in a death grip. 

“You’ll be okay,” you whispered encouragingly, trying to push her towards the old man sat waiting for her.

“Would you like your mommies to come with you?” the elf interjected.

“Oh, we’re not–” The words died on your tongue as Alice nodded absently, eyes still fixed nervously on Santa, and suddenly the elf was jerking his head at you and Larissa, as if to say ‘the queue is long, get on with it.’

You glanced almost helplessly at over your shoulder, your eyes wide, but Larissa seemed to be taking everything in stride, following you and Alice over to Santa. 

Another elf helped your niece onto Santa’s lap and, after she stuttered out her wishlist, Larissa placed Ben on Santa’s other knee. The two of you stood aside, shoulder to shoulder, as yet another elf took a photo of your niece and nephew on Santa’s lap. You were starting to sweat beneath your coat, and Larissa’s body heat so close to you wasn’t helping the matter. Alice wriggled herself free from Santa’s lap the moment the photo was done and ran up to Larissa, tugging at her coat. You collected Ben and followed Larissa and Alice to a more quiet corner to regroup.

Would you like your mommies to come with you? And you hadn’t said anything, Alice hadn’t said anything. Even Larissa hadn’t said anything. The elf could have assumed that you were friends, or cousins, or anything really. But he assumed you were a couple. You supposed that was a good thing — if this stranger thought you two were a couple, surely your family was buying into the lie as well. A lie that was, slowly but surely, making you feel sick to your stomach. 

“Are you alright?” You jumped as Larissa’s hand came to rest on your lower back — your grip on Ben had tightened and he was starting to get fussy, and you hadn’t even realized, as deep in thought as you were. You met Larissa’s gaze, and you wished you hadn’t. There was a deep crease between her brows, her eyes were wide and imploring, swimming with concern, her lips turned into a frown. Her thumb ran across your lower back, back and forth and back and forth, as heat prickled at the back of your neck. Your stomach turned, you suddenly felt very ill. 

“It’s a bit hot in here,” you remarked faintly.

“It’s terribly stuffy,” Larissa agreed, though there was something in her gaze that you couldn’t quite place as she eyed you carefully, her eyes narrowing slightly. She cocked her head to one side. “I’ll take Ben and wait with Alice for Deanna, you go outside for a moment.” 

You let her take your nephew in your arms, nodding as you turned robotically and headed for the nearest exit, her gaze burning a hole into the back of your head as you went. It was absolutely freezing outside, the wind was blowing snowflakes across the parking lot, but it did wonders for your nausea. Wiping your clammy palms on the sides of your coat, you sat down on a bench and waited for your family to come out and meet you.

Your family, and Larissa.

It was terribly selfish of you, you realized in that moment, to have Larissa keep up the charade for you like this. Instead of having a fun, relaxing Christmas, she was being subjected to all sorts of embarrassing family antics, Christmas parties with people she didn’t know, childcare for children who weren’t her responsibility. All because you had been too chicken to correct your mother when she thought you had gotten a girlfriend. 

Larissa seemed to be enjoying herself alright, but you had your doubts. At the Christmas party after you’d kissed her. When you were forced to lie in bed together the following morning. Listening to your mom go on and on about your ex. Those moments in which Larissa seemed distant — the same moments in which you felt like you wanted her near. 

And what made the guilt even worse? You were having the time of your life. You liked having Larissa around. You liked the way that she fit into your family, and into your life. You liked watching her dote on Alice, and on Ben, you liked watching her talk to your sister, or to your parents. You liked seeing her in your childhood home, at the kitchen table, drinking out of what had been your favorite mug a decade ago, as if she belonged there. You liked lying awake at night staring up at those old, faded glow-in-the-dark stars, listening to her breathe, knowing she was staring up at the same stars.

It made you sick to your stomach to think she didn’t like all of that quite as much as you did.

“There you are, you okay?” Your sister’s voice broke you out of your reverie — you hadn’t heard her approach, her children and Larissa in tow.

“Yeah, fine, it was just too stuffy.”

“Dan’s just loading the bags into the car, he’ll pull it around.” 

As you stood, Larissa came around to your side and placed a firm, steadying hand on your elbow. You smiled gratefully, almost in spite of yourself.

“Dan wanted to take the kids ice skating,” Deanna started. “Do you guys want to come or should we drop you at home first?”

Your questioning gaze met Larissa’s, searching. She smiled, giving you a slight nod, though her brow furrowed slightly. “I don’t mind, are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah…” You felt yourself blush at Larissa’s concern. “Yeah, I’m fine.” 

When Dan pulled the car around to the mall’s entrance, you and Larissa climbed into the back while Deanna secured the kids in their car seats. Larissa was cramped in the back seat, her long legs bent at an awkward angle, her knee pressed against your thigh. Your fingers twitched in your lap, you wanted so much to reach out and touch her, to get closer to her… Screw it. You rested your hand on her leg, hesitantly, then watched as she covered it with her own. She smiled at you — a small smile, warm and comforting, her face at ease. You smiled back, that dizzy feeling from earlier returning, and rested your head against her shoulder, solid and grounding — you weren’t quite sure what had gotten into you, but you hoped she would attribute your physical neediness to not feeling well.

The back seat of your sister’s SUV was like a bubble of your own making. You could hardly focus on the conversation she was having with her husband, on the chatter of your niece and, to a lesser extent, your nephew, on the music playing on the radio. Instead, you felt a sleepy, dreamy sort of weightlessness with your head against Larissa’s shoulder, with her warm palm cupping your hand, the soft wool of her coat beneath your fingertips. You could feel every breath she took, the sweet, flowery scent of her perfume lulling you into a daze — every so often, when the car hit a pothole or turned a corner, your head bounced, bringing you even closer to Larissa, your hair grazing her cheek. And she sat there, looking out the window, her thumb brushing rhythmic strokes across your knuckles. It nearly made you fall asleep, and you were more than reluctant to leave the car when you arrived at the ice skating rink.

Inside, it took you twice as long as usual to lace up your skates — you were too busy watching Larissa help Alice with hers, knelt in front of the little girl, her nimble fingers doing up the laces carefully, pulling them tight, knotting them securely, checking the fit around each of Alice’s feet. She took your niece’s hands, helped her up, watched her like a hawk as she took a few steps to make sure they weren’t too loose. 

In that time, you’d only managed to lace up one of your skates halfway. 

“I guessed your shoe size, I hope they fit okay,” Deanna said, offering Larissa a pair of ice skates — Larissa looked up at her from where she was still crouched down, her eyes wide. 

“Oh no, I’ll just be watching.” She insisted firmly, a polite smile settling on her face. Alice scurried up to her as fast as she was able in her skates.

“You don’t wanna skate?” She looked like a wounded puppy, and Larissa glanced at you nervously. Alice followed her gaze, turning her puppy dog eyes on you. “Make Auntie Rissy skate with me.”

That nauseating, guilty feeling simmered low in your belly again when Alice called Larissa “Auntie Rissy”, but you ignored it this time, suppressing a smile at Larissa’s helpless expression — she was usually so confident and in control, and it was a bit comforting to see that even Larissa Weems wasn’t perfect all the time.

“If Auntie Larissa doesn’t want to skate, then we can’t make her,” you said gently. Alice frowned, turning to Larissa with a big pout that made you giggle. You smirked and added, “I don’t know how you can say no to her, though.”

“I can’t,” Larissa said with a resigned frown, settling on the bench and taking off her heeled boots. Alice squealed in delight, her entire demeanor changing in a heartbeat. You couldn’t help but laugh at your niece and, when you caught Larissa’s gaze again, she sighed softly — then her gaze fell to your skates and she let out a huffed laugh. “Don’t tell me you can’t tie your own skates either?” 

A crimson flush spread across your cheeks — you’d been distracted, and, as it stood, had managed to tie a wonky knot into one of them and were still playing absently with the laces of the second. “I can tie my own skates just fine,” you grumbled. Larissa chuckled softly, a smile returning to her face — the twitch of her lips made you feel warm.

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