Łuħvie

I have four aunts, all of whom I love dearly and serve as extensions of my lovely mother. One of my aunts passed away almost 15 years ago. I don't even remember for sure; I always remember the day of my people's transition to sleep but never the year. I used to talk to my aunt every day when I was in college. If I had an upcoming test - call, random stop at the cafeteria, in between classes, hell, hanging out with friends. Every single day, I heard her voice. So, after she passed, I figured I would miss her the way most people miss someone who has passed. Cry a little then move on with my life but people don't often talk about what happens after the funeral/service.

I started having this experience where I would have a strong and deep urge to call her. In the last 10+ years, I have had random moments where I felt like, "Damn, I haven't heard from X in a while. I should give her a call to check on her." Then the slow realization accompanied with the reasoning that this thought is like muscle memory for me. I think about all the things that have happened since and wanting to share them with her, or my grandmother, or my cousins. The ways in which they might have responded to good news, other bad news, and just the experience of life.

I think about how much my grandmother wanted to see me have children, and that if that ever happens, my children will never know how soft her hands were. How she could make you feel loved and hers. My children will never have the joy of having my aunt create a random song to sing to them. That my baby cousin won't be there to spoil them with her dolls or serve as a "cool" older cousin with a beautifully spirit. Or hear my giant teddy bear of a cousin sneak them candy, make them laugh or just enjoy him being his quirky self.

I'm not always sad in the most recent years maybe more grateful. I tend to think of them fondly, remember our good/bad experiences while sitting in the space of what life looks like now. I constantly think about Regina King in these moments, I pray for her and remember her comment that, "grief is love with no where to go," and it is so true. A truth that just IS. I tell myself this a lot whenever I am sad though, reminder that this sadness is a price I pay for having loved and been loved well.