Too Red

[Cat begins to scratch at the glass.]

Person: Gorgeous.

I know, it sounds insane and you probably think I’m just nitpicking. How, you might ask, could a man like Sir Mix-a-Lot (a knight, no less!), a man who says “I won’t cuss or hit ya” be in any way problematic?

The answer’s a long (and strong) one but first, let’s talk about what the song does right. “Baby Got Back” is still held up today as an example of progressive art that has positive messages for all genders (women are celebrated and Sir Mix-a-Lot’s steadfast refusal to lie is refreshing, especially in hip hop music where honest male role models are hard to find), body types (everyone is accepted even if their butts are big. Especially, in fact.), nationalities (even white boys, a traditionally excluded group in rap music songs, are explicitly encouraged to join in on the fun of this song) and ages (at no point in the video/song does Sir Mix-a-Lot say “No old people or children at this party, please,” suggesting that this is an all-ages affair). Sir Mix-a-Lot’s general body acceptance is a breath of fresh air in the rap world. Plenty of rappers will describe butts as “big” and Sir Mix-a-Lot certainly does, but you know what OTHER adjective he uses to describe these butts? Healthy. Yeah. Sir Mix-a-Lot doesn’t want you starving yourself; he likes you just the way you are, women of planet earth.

And it needs to be mentioned again: Sir Mix-a-Lot’s repeated insistence that he is against domestic abuse (he says “I won’t cus or hi ya” and another fellow is described as one who “had game but chose to hit [his woman]” and it is the point of view of this song that he was foolish for behaving that way) is exhilarating and lovely. Rap is and has always been plagued with misogyny and a casual (at best) relationship with physical attacks on women. Sir Mix-a-Lot, pioneer rap knight that he is, chose to stand out from the crowd and not get swept up in the current of rap violence. He stood, proudly, atop a mountain that looked like a butt and let other rappers know “I don’t think it’s good to beat women.” As someone who also shares this stance, I have to applaud Sir Mix-a-Lot from my albeit much smaller butt mountain (technically a butt hill).

Now comes the hard part. Most casual listeners won’t even notice some of these problems, but if you really pay attention and do what in academia is known as a “close reading” of this song, I think you’ll start to see what I’m talking about. Let’s just get into some quotes that would likely even make Sir Mix-a-Lot himself cringe if he looked back on them:

“So I’m lookin’ at rock videos/Knock-kneed bimbos walkin’ like hoes”

In a lot of cultures including ours, neither “bimbo” nor “hoe” are actual terms of endearment. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that Sir Mix-a-Lot doesn’t JUST listen to rap, and that he’s broadened his musical horizons to include rock videos, but would it have killed him to say “I’m lookin’ at rock videos and the women featured are also pretty in their own way”? I sure don’t think it would. I sure don’t think it would have killed him.

“So Cosmo says you’re fat./Well I ain’t down with that.”

A lot of kind and hard-working people work at Cosmo. I don’t see why he couldn’t have swapped out “Cosmo” with the name of a made-up magazine. The song as it stands now is alienating to anyone who works, has worked or will work at Cosmo, and that is the same as bullying. Why would Sir Mix-a-Lot want to punch down on all of those hardworking Cosmo writers, copyeditors, editors and design specialists? We all know that checking yourself is important because doing so is the only way you can be sure to avoid wrecking yourself, but do you know what you should maybe check first, Sir Mix-a-Lot? Your privilege.

“To the beanpole dames in the magazine/You ain’t it Miss Thing.”

Body acceptance is a huge part of modern feminism, but it needs to go both ways. Feminism isn’t about just assuring women that they don’t need to be as skinny as Kate Moss to own their sexuality— though that IS important— it’s about being accepting of ALL body types. So while I appreciate and respect Sir Mix-a-Lot’s encouragement of “thicker” women, I can’t condone his BODY SHAMING of skinnier “beanpole-esque” women. Some women will have curves and that’s okay, and some will be thin like a… uh, beanpole, I guess, and that’s okay too. I don’t think it’s too out of line to say that this song would have been improved with a verse where Sir Mix-a-Lot lists all of the other different kinds of body type and says that he also likes them, and then followed up with an additional verse that explains that even if he didn’t like those body types everything would still be fine because it is not a woman’s job to design her body with the sole purpose of pleasing some man.

Further (and it took me a couple viewings to even realize this) the music video for “Baby Got Back” does not feature a single transgender person, which obviously means there’s no scene with a transgender person being nice to or even shaking hands with an Asian-American. It would be criminally naive to assume that this omission was accidental; Sir Mix-a-Lot CHOSE not to show transgender people and Asian-Americans being friends because he obviously is trying to create new and harmful stereotypes about the transgender community (that they do not like Asian-American people). I know it’s “just a music video” and artists can and should express themselves however they want, I’m not part of the “PC Police” or anything, I have a sense of humor. Do I really think this music video would have been better if it featured not only black and white but also Latino people and Native Americans and perhaps a handi-CAPABLE person and at least two transgender people taking some time to hold open a door for or give a thumbs up to an Asian American? Yes, with all of my body I believe that, AND I think it stays true to what I feel was Sir Mix-a-Lot’s intention with this song.

I still don’t think this is a bad song or that Sir Mix-a-Lot is a bad person. In fact, it’s specifically BECAUSE I think this song is so important that I’ve written this essay in the first place. Sir Mix-a-Lot is so close to having a perfect, problem-free, all-inclusive anthem. I’d really like to see him take those extra few steps towards being the #change he wants to see in the #world so we can all #heal. Together.

OH, and one more lyric I wanted to bring up.

“My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.”

I’m not calling this out for being problematic, I just thought I’d give some unsolicited lyric advice to Sir Mix-a-Lot, from one artist to another. You refer to your penis as your “anaconda,” so to suggest that your penis is very big indeed. While an anaconda is certainly nothing to scoff at, it’s still just the SECOND longest snake. It is the largest, no doubt about that, but if we’re discussing length like men, which I think we are, and you’re going to compare your penis to a snake as a way of impressing/terrifying people, my humble suggestion is that you really go for it and make your metaphorical penis snake the longest: Reticulated Python. Why settle for second longest? Where’s the confidence, Sir? Because as long as you’re the rapper boasting about having a penis that is as long as the second longest snake, you leave yourself open to ridicule from a young, enterprising rapper who sees an opportunity to one-up a legend by comparing his penis to the LONGEST snake. Think of it this way: Ghostface Killah recorded a song about himself called “The Champ.” He didn’t write a song called “Champ’s Friend” or “Second Runner-Up to Being Champ,” because if he had, you could bet your beans that some other rapper (Shaggy?) would have immediately gone out and recorded “The Champ,” thereby making Ghostface irrelevant.

It’s the same as your situation. Any minute now, a young rapper trying to make a name for himself (or herself!) could write a song about how their penis is like the reticulated python, and then whomever this rapper is (Asher Roth?) will seem more impressive than you in everyone’s minds, eyes and hearts.

I really think you should consider re-releasing this song with the progressive adjustments we talked about as well as an amended verse where you call your penis your Reticulated Python. You accomplish two things by doing this: 1) You establish that your penis is the longest thing there is, as any dope who knows the first thing about snakes will tell you that the reticulated python is the longest. 2) The door to rhyming opportunity gets flung wide open. In your verse, “anaconda” is buried in the middle of a line, likely because it’s difficult to rhyme. Python is a lot more lyrically malleable. Here are some opportunities that you missed because you humbly decided to give yourself the second longest snake penis:

“My penis is a python/Let’s make love with the lights on.” “My penis is a python/A tasty, healthy meat, like bison.” “My penis is a python/Nice stockings are they nylon?” “My penis is so reticulated/You’d think it was matriculated (in Big Weiner Sex University)”

You’re the rapper, so your brain is no doubt FLYIN’ (note: soft rhyme of python) with ideas, I just wanted to help get you started.