𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐄 𝟏𝟎𝟏

I genuinely can’t remember the last time we properly talked and honestly? I’m a little offended by it. We have matching tattoos, Hems. That’s basically a legally binding relationship in Marvel terms. Have you become too cool and Australian and busy surfing to answer my texts now? Because if so, I’d like you to know I take this betrayal very personally. / @chrishemswrths

hey, hey, hey... you can't be pulling the "i'm offended"-card or the "we've got matching tattoos"-card, when you're one of the most busy people i know and probably would've forgotten my text too, if i'd reached out. if you're going to insist on pulling those cheap cards on me, i'll use the "i've got children that i need to spend time with"-card and hope you'll accept that as apology enough. i have been surfing quite a bit though, so you're right on two counts... the australian and the surfing. the "too cool" thing is debatable.

sweetie, you're not exactly selling the idea of coming to australia to teach her spanish. so… an au pair? okay, i'm not sure i can actually find the time to live with you and india, but we can meet in the middle; i'll stop by for a weekend, if you promise there are no giant spiders hiding in my shoes or lizards attacking me in my sleep. how is that better? i'd almost pick the hammer at this point… but i, for one, wouldn't mind the views, so feel free to throw those her way when she's fifteen.

i doubt she'll be scary with you, if that helps? i think it's because i'm her dad and she has me wrapped around her little finger, that she thinks she can get away with saying and doing anything. stop by for a weekend and hang out with me and the kids, and i'll make sure the entire place is spider, lizard and snake free. the stern-dad look is worse? good to know. i'll use it the next time you say something a little too wild, such as when you say my daughter should watch "culpa mia" because that'll not happen if i can have any say.

So long as I'm back by the 6th, I can definitely make the trip. It's been a while since I was in Austrlia anyway. Are you sure you don't mind? I don't want to distract you from work, but grabbing a beer with you does sounds really tempting now. When you're back State side, we can go to a game and I'll support whichever team you want me to... temporarily, of course.

well, then i think i'll fire up the barbie at my new place and we'll have a couple of beers and some nosh. i don't mind, man. any excuse to spend time with mates. i've been spending a lot of time with my family and my kids, but sometimes you just need a break to do adult things with other adults, where the main focus isn't the children. when i'm state-side we'll catch a match. what's your team though?

I believe that. I don't have any kids, but my friends that do always say the same thing as you, time warps and you can't tell your Tuesday's from your Friday's. You not watching Euphoria actually makes sense and I'd never hold it against you. Not entirely sure it's your kind of genre anyway. Oh wow, you don't know how well I can disappear if I want to.,I hadn't been seen for years until the premiere. I like living this mysterious little lifestyle. Maybe since I don't really have any other major projects, it makes life easier, no one really pays much attention to me. Spending time back home must be really nice. Bet your family love having you so close. I know how much you love your work. Are you enjoying filming this particular project?

my kids are my world but when i spend time with them? it's as though time is a concept that i have no grasp on. yeah, most certainly not my genre, but i've heard enough about it to know that you did a stellar job, love. you disappearing just doesn't make sense to me, but if you prefer your mystery and privacy, then i say keep doing what you're doing. but i doubt no one pays attention to you, because that's impossible when you just exist. oh yeah, my kids especially love that i'm close by. i love what i do but time away from them is the worst part of what i do. i'm enjoying filming, yeah. excited for all of it to release and maybe catch a small break.

i'm just gonna ask here since you're clearly too busy replying to my texts.. yeah, this is me calling you out. when can i come visit you in the land down under… where women glow and men plunder? it's long overdue, man. ( @chrishemswrths )

you're welcome any time, mate. you know that. but you do know not all women glow and not all men plunder here, right? it's overdue and you better believe that you're coming for a barbie and a surf. the waves in the new place i found near my new place have been cranking, mate. i'll be there to save you.

chris, please. when i even see someone else in platform boots, it gives me ptsd. there would've been no need to shrink on behalf of me. the only saving grace is that i got to work with someone so very tall and handsome. i've been recording a series for audible, working on a little over ten projects (most are finally in post production now), and still busy with the small kiddos and working on my masters on top of all that. it's nearly always never-ending for me. but i know that can't compare to what you've been up to. what's been keeping you busy besides your little ones?

fuck, my height caused you ptsd? at least it's a hell of a story at least, right? thank you for so graciously asking me to not shrink. i quite like my height and would feel quite weird not being able to reach the top shelf. you are probably the most busy woman i've ever met and you do it fucking amazingly. never-ending is better than never-begun, right? can't compare? you're taking the piss, right? i've got my kids and filming. sure the whole intercontinental commute is a bitch, but i've got work in down in aus right now, so i'm a bit closer to home which is nice.

i have been good. wow. what do you mean you weren't first in line to see it? thought we had something good here. going to go put my rating of crime 101 down on letterboxd till you watch it.

blackmailing me through ratings? really, tessa? have you sunk that low? "crime 101" deserves at least 4 stars and a beaming review.

but please… just for insta… do you have any idea how much street cred that would give me? the boys back home will be all "whoa, dude."

i doubt you'd get street cred for holding a prop hammer, mate. i could probably get my hands on a toy one for you, though? you have my permission to say it's a prop from the films.

private: are you? seems like i'm the lucky one in that case. i could definitely make a whole day work. you'd be a welcomed distraction from all this tour prep. i'm a little hurt you wouldn't at least try to get me a little piece of the reef or something but if you can manage some timtams and maybe a cute little koala plush from the airport, then maybe i can look past that.

private: you're the lucky one? ari, you're very sweet, but you're also so very wrong. the states are only worth visiting for the people you know there. tour prep sounds like it'd be exhausting, so let me come by and treat you to dinner and a catch up, yeah? let's chill out and relax together for the day. the reef is a protected marine area and i'd rather not get put in the big house. so no matter how much i enjoy spending time with you, i won't be bringing a part of the reef. timtams and a koala plushie are doable and noted. when are those 24 hours available?

gotcha, but i can almost guarantee you i'm not buried in anyone. i'd blame it on work, but truth is i'm just too bloody tired these days. have her call me. last i remember, you got absolutely smashed and started sounding more and more like god of thunder when i once again tried to explain the importance of football. so yeah… always, mate.

almost is not good enough when it comes to my daughter possibly being traumatized for life, seeing her uncle in a compromising position like that. you? too tired for hookups? are you sick? running a fever? do i need to call emergency services for a welfare check? football is such a theatrical sport, mate. someone accidentally lays a finger on another player, and they're on the ground crying for their moms. but let's continue this thing, when i'm back in the northern hemisphere.

Where are you right now? Are you back in Australia or in the States? For a short while, I have some time off before things pick back up this summer with some shows and I wanted to reach out and see if maybe you were free to hangout? When was the last time you attended a basketball match? It could be fun. @chrishemswrths

i'm in australia filming "subversion" but you're always welcome, mate. i'll get elsa to take the kids and we'll grab a beer. a basketball match? i can't even remember, so what team are we supporting at which game? i'd say we'd have to attend one in the states, though, or we won't get the full experience.