AMERICA'S ASS

private: you really gave up that beautiful house for "new place, clean slate" ? yeah, that just made things feel a little too final for me too. home-wise speaking. because i know how much you loved it. and i loved it too. but thank you. for packing my stuff, i mean. you really didn't have to. you should've just called. i'm actually having some off time right now, so i could just come over and pick it up myself. saves you the trouble from shipping it over to new york. i get it if you don't wanna see me. but i've still got the keys. i could text you when i make my way over there, so you can avoid the run-in if you want to. remember that night you surprised me with them ? i'll leave them there once i'm done.

PRIVATE: I still own it. I just couldn’t keep living in it. It started feeling too big for just me and Dodger. Too much space for all the things I thought would be there by now. Kids, noise, a life that felt a little fuller than two sad idiots staring at each other across a giant kitchen. So I got a condo. Very LA of me, I know. I’ve also been thinking about going back to Boston for a while. I know you loved the house. You can still use it when you’re in town, if you want. You have time off? That might be the most shocking part of this entire conversation. I’m an adult, Camila. I don’t need to avoid you. If you want to come by and get your things yourself, you can. And yeah, I remember that night. I remember giving you those keys. I also remember them coming with your own closet space, which somehow turned into most of the closet, while I got demoted to a couple of drawers. It was funny. Annoying, but funny. And sounds good.

hold up, when did we decide on this matter? i can't remember agreeing with that, as you are infinitely cooler than i could ever hope to be. we're both on the wrong side of forty and that's why we're terrible at this planning thing. doesn't help that you're always filming all over the world and i never know were you are. however, if you're in LA, come hang out. we'll watch soccer and i'll fire up the grill. how're you doing, my friend? i miss you.

This is exactly why you're everyone's favorite. I come in here trying to humble myself and somehow I'm the one getting complimented. You're impossible. And hey, don't blame forty. I've been terrible at making plans since I was 25. Now I've just got the gray hairs to prove it. I'm actually in L.A., so I'll absolutely take you up on it. Soccer, something off the grill, and getting to sit around talking nonsense for a few hours sounds like a pretty great evening. I've been good. Doing absolutely nothing. Trying to be home a little more when I can, keeping life simple, you know me. I miss you too, buddy. How are things on your end?

captain america here, captain america there. how tired are you on a scale of one to ten that people never go for asking how dodger is doing when trying to wrap you up in a conversation ? i mean, i don't mind doing the honors, i'm just wondering. so, how is dodger doing ? is he gonna be a fan of the upcoming firework spectacle you guys are about to do this weekend ? or is he gonna hide in the closet ? in case it's the latter, i'll gladly volunteer as his hiding bestie. that way you can celebrate and i get to hang out with a sweet, chill boy for once. / @chrissvans

Finally. Someone with their priorities in the right place. Captain America has to share the spotlight with a four-legged, much more handsome co-star. Dodger's doing great. Completely spoiled, convinced he owns the house. For the fireworks, he's definitely more of a find the best spot under the bed and pretend the world doesn't exist kind of guy. So your application to be his hiding buddy has been accepted. Congratulations. Are you volunteering because you genuinely love dogs, or is this just a scheme to steal mine?