Let him go to the sea

“Yeah, I think so. I’ve never been in one of those myself, but I feel like I’ve heard people talk about Victoria’s Secret sales before. Or maybe I’m just crazy, who knows. Sam’s underwear stash, huh? Why am I not surprised by the fact that this is gonna be a thing? I’m always proud of you, I just don’t say it that often. I don’t want that head of yours to get too big. Oh, yes. Silk is definitely your fabric. It brings out the sparkle in your eyes.” 

“That’s certainly possible. Boring, but possible. It’s okay, I’ve rinsed my eyes with holy water and everything was okay. Would it be weird if I asked you what kind of things you’ve seen? I’m intrigued by these exhibitionist cable cars. I feel like maybe what they need is bigger underwear. I think I prefer to see what ever underwear they’re wearing than what’s under said underwear, you know? Oh, definitely. Maybe once I marry her I can become my true self or as I like to call it, Prince Pizza.”

“I’ve heard they have good sales sometimes. Not for you, obviously, but for your girl. Although that might not be new information for her. Look at you though, being a good boyfriend and what not. I don’t think I’ve ever been this proud. I don’t know, I don’t think lace’s really your fabric.” 

“Well, that went from sweet to creepy very fast. Who knows, maybe this Victoria girl doesn’t even exist. I don’t know about the whole ‘underwear is private’ thing, some people on the subway don’t seem to think that way. Trust me, I’ve seen things that I wish I could erase from my memory. Oh, I hope these food monarchies exist, especially Princess Pasta. I think I could marry her.” 

“I mean, it’s possible if you somehow consider perfume-making some sort of witchcraft. Maybe the perfume fumes brainwash people into buying underwear and what not. In which case, that would be a very good selling strategy. Maybe Victoria’s secret is that she’s actually a marketing genius. I think the affair thing is also a possibility, but I like the witch theory better.” 

“Someday, maybe someday he’ll get something right and that will be the end of his blog. I’ve never heard of these puppies before, but I can see how that would be adorable. Puppies make everything better. I don’t know, it’s Percy we’re talking about here, but hey, he has never cooked for me before so I wouldn’t know. I will get to the bottom of this though and if he denies anything, I will throw a tantrum on the floor and then kill him in his sleep. Or wait, plot twist. I could be the one making Pinterest crafts. A DIY guillotine to successfully kill my brother if he doesn’t cook for me. Well, if you can’t remember it and if I can’t remember it, maybe it never happened. Or maybe you’re lying about the lie I’m supposedly lying about.” 

“Right? He even has a Pinterest dad kind of face. And I think people would find his disgrace kind of adorable. What kind of things do you think he’ll try? Recipes or crafts? I hope he does crafts, because then you’d have someone who could make your Cynthia doll dress. If people don’t know who you are, they’re not worth your time. It’s as simple as that. Ah, it’s not a big deal. You’d do the same for me. The award for Best Costume is already yours, I’m telling you. You know what, I’ll even build a cupcake city for you to destroy with your new, shiny trophy. Oh, so the cookie dough thing wasn’t it? What was it then? I swear, I’d never lie about ice cream except maybe to Percy.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. If anything, I think I’d see Percy being a Pinterest dad. Is that even a thing? I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong, he’d fail epically, but at least he’d try. You’re right, that wouldn’t be fun, but think about it. You could dress up as that Rugrats doll for Halloween. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade, am I right? I swear, if you don’t win best costume or something like that, I will start a riot. I don’t know how I’m gonna make that happen, but Troy is gonna burn, that’s for sure. Really, Annabeth? Why would I lie about ice cream? If anything, I might’ve said cookie dough was my favorite, but that was before I tried red velvet. I’m older and wiser now.” 

“Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there. Do I look like Professor X to you? I can’t possibly know everything you’ve ever known, Piper. I know James McAvoy and I are practically twins and that my life-changing wisdom can be a bit overwhelming at times, but I’m no mind reader. Well, congratulations, you got it. You should consider starting a podcast, that’d make things easier and I wouldn’t have to rely on my memory to get those Dwayne Johnson-y abs. I don’t know where this ‘life being founded by jokes’ thing is coming from, but I don’t wanna keep talking about it or else my blood is going to boil and I don’t wanna die today.” 

“You do have a certain ‘mom’ ness to you, but it’s the good kind. I know this because you haven’t started trying out every single craft and every single recipe you see on Pinterest. Please, please don’t ever be a Pinterest mom. I’ve heard hair ripping is something people do when they don’t get their Pinterest stuff right and I certainly don’t wanna come over to your house and see you ripping your hair out. I mean, I could try to glue it back on your head, but I have a feeling that none of us are gonna enjoy that. Look, I know I might look like a monster and especially when I wake up, but I’d never build a cupcake city to destroy it all by myself. We’ve known each other for how many years now? Five? When have I ever lied to you about anything?” 

“I don’t know, I’ve told quite some people here about my mom’s occurrences. Percy, Rose, Sam, you. You got the acting down to a T, so I don’t think they’ll have a problem figuring out who you’re dressed up as. Why did you immediately think the worst? I could’ve been building a cupcake city for you as a surprise. And now the surprise is ruined. Besides, no one else here has the amazing and precise cupcake destroying technique we do, let’s be real.” 

“I think I can handle it. It’s all gonna be worth it as long as I get to call you Samuel. I see, but that’s not fair at all. Your ego gets to grow and your kinks get to be fulfilled while I get a stomach ulcer and roll in jealousy. Are you kidding? It’s Annabeth we’re talking about, of course she knows. I don’t know how, but I’m gonna make her spill the beans. As much as I hate prolonging my agony, the mothership requires my presence. You’re more than welcome to join us if you want. I’m sure my mom would be more happy to see you than to see me.” 

“How the hell am I supposed to know what you already know? If I were you, I’d definitely go for hosting instead of comedy. Your face is a good face to look at and you could be like Jimmy Fallon with less fake laughter. I thought I’d never admit this, but I actually listen to your jokes when I train and hope that makes me look like The Rock. Hey, I wasn’t insulting you. I was insulting your jokes, it’s different.”

“Believe me, it was. You even got mom’s frown line for a second. You should consider dressing up as my mom for Halloween, that’d be one scary costume. You know, the fact that you think I would actually destroy a cupcake city with someone else hurts my feelings. I might be a lot of things, but I’m not a traitor. Cupcake cities are our thing and besides, not everyone can go full Godzilla like we do.”