men in suits are my weakness

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cherry valley forever
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@chocolatoluv
men in suits are my weakness

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Unjustice
A second piece of the golden girl since you guys liked her so muchâĄ(*´Ďď˝*)/⥠(no armor this time you will NOT make me go trough that again)
the starward explorer, himeko đš
i started playing HSR and i fell in love with her at first sight, what can i say
Hiromi Higuruma fanart! (Or just art?)
I don't watch JJK, but I saw the hype of the new season in Twitter and decided to watch the new trailer. Saw him in the trailer and my interest is piqued (I like characters in suits.. and also liked his nose shapeđ).
Then I searched him up, watched and read a character synopsis about him and his plot is so peak...I might watch JJK from the start just for him (and have some background context of the story).
Hopefully y'all liked the art!

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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ive been thinking ab making this since i started playing this game. kept getting upset at the love interests. wish i could date sawa
The Big Otome Game Survey
As someone who's been playing otome games for over ten years now and has seen the number of games available in English increase by a fair am
Hello all,
I've decided to launch a big otome game survey, looking at most popular characters across several popular otome games (and whether there are any correlations in terms of people liking the same characters across multiple games). You can also vote for your favourite otome game among the options listed.
If you're interested in otome games, please do participate and reblog this post! You don't need to have played all of the games on the list in order to participant, just answer for any that you have.
The survey will close at 10pm (22:00) (UTC+1) on May 1st 2025 and I will publish the results sometime after.
Any issues with the survey just let me know in the replies on this post!

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Hi Tumblr Newbies,
The inevitable new influx of people means a roundup of folks talking about "we don't have an algorithm here," "you NEED to reblog things," etc. and I would just like to offer some actually helpful advice.
One of tumblr's best assets is that it offers you multiple algorithmic feeds, including not having one at all. If you are on mobile, you will notice a "following" tab, followed by a "for you" tab, which is algorithmically generated. "Following" only includes posts from people you follow, in reverse chronological order. That's it. The vast majority of tumblr users prefer it this way, as we predate algorithms.
If you are new and looking to expand what you're finding quickly, you can browse under the algorithmic feed and tweak it once you've followed a few blogs and liked a few things - under "settings," you can choose to have posts related to your likes, or the likes of people you follow.
However - again, most users on this website do not use the algorithm. It's for that reason that reblogging posts is of such importance here. Liking a post is an appreciated sign of goodwill, but for the majority of users, it will not boost the post. Many of use use likes just as a save folder.
So if you genuinely like something you see on here, I encourage you to reblog it, because that is the only way the post will continue to spread around. Almost everyone started their blog with a theme they were loathe to ruin with an unrelated reblog, but by now most of us are just streams of consciousness showing each other things we find funny or interesting, and if you view your blog the same way you will have a much more enjoyable experience.
geto fanart.. haven't drawn him in so long </3
Turn this into something sweet
Ex-Husband!Higuruma x f!reader wc: 9.4k
after your divorce, you reflect on your marriage. trying to make sense its sudden decline and even more sudden end. time passes, but the question of why still lingers until a long-overdue conversation with your ex-husband finally forces the silence between you to be addressed.
divider by @uzmacchiato
warnings: swearing, switch of formats, ANGST, emotionally misguided higuruma is not toxic i swear, messy divorce, brief mention of sexual acts, dialogue heavy towards the end, past tense
STARTING OVER FROM GROUND ZERO WITH EX-HUSBAND!HIGURUMA WAS SOMETHING YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOUâD DO.
you were so far ahead of that failed marriage and his sickening treatment.
at least that's what you wanted to believe. you wanted to believe that you could just shed the years of your marriage the moment it ended but you couldnât even keep yourself from reminiscing the upside. guess that's just a downside to making memoriesâno matter what happens or what changes, youâll always live with the good ones just as much as the bad ones. it called into question whether the good can outweigh the bad and how bad the âbadâ has to be for the good to no longer matter. in your case there was a clear line though, you never really understood the reason why your marriage deteriorated the way it did. it seemed to out of the blue to you. especially considering: HUSBAND!HIGURUMA never wanted to be separated from you for too long. going to work then complaining about how he missed you all day and hating the times you'd work overtime because then he'd have to return to an empty house. he'd even find you in the house whenever you wound up in different rooms and just lay on top of you no matter what you were doing. youâd whine for him to get off you and heâd say no, latching onto you even harder before squeezing.
HUSBAND!HIGURUMA loved to spoil you. constantly buying the things you'd compliment even when you told him not to worry about it. "no baby I want you to have it." Even when you weren't the one ogling at cute things he'd be doing it for you, trying to convince you to get him to buy you something.
it was silly but endearing knowing he associated you with only the highest quality of anything. he'd surprise you with trips out the country. he'd plan extravagant dates at extravagant places and when you'd get on him about not needing to do it all, he would say that he absolutely does. "this isn't even half of what you deserve, if i had it my way you'd have the world." all you could do was laugh and hit his arm, face hot from how swooned you were.
and he would hate when it was reciprocated, saying that you should be spending your money on yourself to which you would tell him shut up before shoving gifts into his hands. and the way he complimented you, nonstop. no matter what you were wearing or how tired you looked from work, if he saw you, it was like he had to say looked beautiful or else heâd die. you acted annoyed but it left a warm and gooey sensation in your chest every time, it was like your heart glowed at his words.
HUSBAND!HIGURUMA listened to you complain about any and everything. when and whenever. your husband was a lawyer but turned therapist for you and he was good at it. someone pissed you off at work? heâs shitting on them with you. one of your plans fell through? heâs telling you itâs okay and proposing solutions. one of your friends made you mad? heâs trying to make sure you donât lose a friendship over small disagreements.
anytime you cried, Higuruma hated it. heâd hold you into his chest until you stopped, not letting you pull away until you told him why. it became second nature to share every emotion you felt with Higuruma; you couldnât even recall those earlier days when you used to try and keep your feelings at bay assuming imposing them on him would annoy him eventually. Its Higuruma who made sure to teach you that in marriage, there are no individual issues amongst you two, you share them. Â
HUSBAND!HIGURUMA would worship your body every time you had sex. his hands taking their time mapping and caressing your curves as though you had all the time in the world and it would feel like that too.
heâd kiss every section of your skin he came in contact with, marking up the parts of your body the world would never see. heâd kiss each of your fingers, the palms and back of your hands, before kissing your rings. Higuruma would tell you how much he loved you, how much you were perfect for him, and how much he couldnât live without you as he made love to you. you could only parrot his statements, proof of the feeling being mutual manifesting as your bodies reaction to his. and promises of being together forever were always whispered between you in your most intimate moments.
your hands always found his, grasping onto them tightly as your bodies continued in a rhythm most familiar to youâyour wedding rings kissing as you do. afterwards he would make sure you were okay, cleaning you up and pressing even more kisses into your skin as he held you close. and you would always stare up at him blissfully when he did, making him laugh as he asked âwhat?â youâd just shake your head and nuzzle further into him, wanting to be impossibly closer.
HUSBAND!HIGURUMA never did anything to make you feel unloved. there was no doubt in your mind that he knew you better than anyone else. he was the reason you believed in soulmates, because what else could describe how well you two go together? even on your hardest days you found they were made easier than before just by his presence alone and vice versa.
eating together, lounging together, planning anniversaries together, and even setting goals together. any of your wins were treated like his own with him being the most excited whenever anything good happened to you be it a promotion, a raise, or even something as minimal as finding money on the ground.
youâd constantly tell him how lucky you felt to have him by your side, and he would just throw it back at you. ânot luckier than me.â heâd say before pressing his lips to your forehead and pulling you in for a hug. he was one of the safest places you knew and there was nothing in your brain that could shake your love and admiration for the man you married.
you thought you'd be together forever and it really did seem that way. 3 years of what you considered a perfect marriage had you thinking you had to be the luckiest girl in the world. "how could our honeymoon phase last this long?" "we must be real soulmates, we never fail to see eye to eye." "we were fated to be togetherâwe must be, how else could you explain this type of romance?" everyone told you that marriage came with a lot of ups and downs, alerting you that you should anticipate those. you didn't think much of it then, most of these warnings obviously stemming from your long-lasting love stricken state. all over each other all the time, always on dates, and taking spontaneous trips together. back then, the worst argument you had been in was over something super smallâhim forgetting to turn the stove off causing your pasta to become mushy. he claimed you didn't tell him to watch it, you knew that you did so you didn't back down, and in the end he apologized and ordered you both takeout.
so, naturally, whenever you would get with your friends, you'd have nothing to really complain about. while they ranted about times their partners pissed them off or altercations they've had, you listened unrelating. they'd playfully say they needed a Higuruma and you'd just laughâunaware of what lied right around the corner for your relationship. of course, deep down inside, you knew that one day you two would have to overcome obstacles as well. and you were so sure you'd overcome them when they showed up. you've seen others do it and you've heard of the worst fallouts happening between couples still together. you and Higuruma are just too in love to fall apart that easily.
that's why when his moods turned sour around you, you just thought it was your guy's time to overcomeâfor better or worse. but as it turns out, everything is scarier when you have to face it because all you could feel was fear when: HUSBAND?HIGURUMA made it habit to vacate the house whenever you were home. you could be coming in from work, running errands, anything and you would hear the front door of your house close at minimum 30 minutes later. The first time it happened you didnât think much of it, assuming he just had something to do but as it became a pattern youâd begin to feel a sinking in your stomach. You tried not to make a big deal of it though since it wasnât something heâd usually do. you hoped that it was momentary and that eventually it would stop, but it just kept happening.
When you asked him about it he brushed you off, freezing you where you stood. He never brushed you off before ever. âwhat? no, donât worry about it. its nothing.â not at all an adequate answer for the way you had just poured your heart out into the questions of why he had been leaving the house every time you entered it. âhow can I not worry about it? you donât usually leave like thisâso often. especially not without telling me or somethingâŚ.â you responded shyly, unaware of how to approach the situation.
and for nothing at all because heâd just continue to brush it off. âso I leave the house a few times and it becomes a problem? Im telling you its nothing, donât worry about it.â your eyes didnât leave his retreating figure any time he walked away from you after diminishing your nervous curiosity, lost as to why he was so different.
HUSBAND?HIGURUMA started to pretend like you weren't there whenever you crossed paths in the house you shared. entering the kitchen to grab something from the fridge then leaving without so much as a glance your way. you watched him the entire time. is he doing that on purpose? it seemed like those days all you had were questions when it came down to him. worst of all you actually felt hesitant to ask him about it, second guessing if you were overthinking his behavior.
its not like its evil or wrong for people to have time to themselves in relationships, you are still your own people. but you couldnât be so sure how much of it was normal. you fearedâŚannoying him. the realization felt like being dropped into the arcticâwhen was the last time you worried about something like that? you really didnât like the fact that your relationship seemed to be regressing in front of you so you decided to bring it up to him only to be met with the same indifference you had been subject to for about a month at that time.
âstop, its nothing like that. what are you talking about?â his voice sounded sincere and his question seemed honest but you could tell. you could tell he was well aware of what you were asking him about and it made you want to cry but you held it together, not wanting to cry in front of him.
âitâs just a bit weird, you know?â you laughed dryly, âonce or twice is nothing but sometimes I have to call you a few times to even get you to acknowledge me lately.â Higuruma would just tilt his head at you and tell you again, that it was fine even though you were trying to tell him it wasnât.
HUSBAND?HIGURUMA wouldnât talk to you anymore. not without it escalating into some type of clash. you yearned to fix whatever was broken between you more than anything, but he made sure that didnât happen. no longer brushing you off with careless reassurance, heâd graduated into escalating your valid worries into verbal altercations. never too long or too explosive, just enough for you to realize that itâs no longer a normal conversation.
You didnât want to argue with him at all. You just wanted things to go back to normal, so youâd pull back from them the moment words turned antagonistic. Two months into his weird behavior, left you shook to your core. Your head was unable to wrap around any possible reason for what youâre experiencing, you couldnât even pinpoint when he slipped into that impassive version of himself.
the volatility gave you whiplash. even something as simple as âwas work good today? anything interesting happen?â would be returned to you as âwork is work, when does anything interesting ever happen?â downcast eyes became second nature to you, only lifeline you could hold on to was the one that tells you he would come back around. its just bad right now but it will get better. it wont stay like this forever, it couldnât.
HUSBAND?HIGURUMA couldn't have made it any clearer how much he'd grown to detest you. there was no doubt about it. he became somewhat of a phantom to you as the Higuruma you knew faded into the back of your mind. the person you were sharing your life with did everything the opposite from what you remembered, and it tore you to shreds.
it was harder to believe that it was just a rough patch and that it would pass, whatever it was here to stay. you believed that. you just didnât know why or what you did to deserve it. the days became gloomier to you and your previously optimistic mindset had vanished. you knew talking to him was pointless and you knew that being pointless was a signâa sign that your husband might not be that anymore.
it didn't make sense to you. "what's happening?" "what am I doing wrong?" it was as if you were living with a stranger with the same appearance and mannerisms as your husband. you hated the way he started to look out of place next to you, as if he never fit in the first place.no matter what you did to try to patch up the seams in your marriage that had randomly begun to show, it somehow only got worse. it was like pulling an out of place string from a sweater, the more you yanked the more it unraveled. you didnât jump to blame yourself, no. it was definitely his fault. but you couldnât help but wonder if it was because of something you had done. his late nights out unrelated to work had you checking to see if he was cheating, nothing there. him working overtime had you seeing him less at home and whenever you would suggest going out or spending any type of time together, he'd brush you off with a lousy excuse.
and lousy is exactly what it was. because the moment any of his friends would do the same, he'd be out of the house without a second thoughtâonly telling you after you asked about his whereabouts. showing up solo to gatherings and holiday events is when it really set in for you. nobody would warn you of anything anymore. now they'd just ask "higuruma's busy again?" before moving on, face saying what their mouths didnât. "damn, again?" "I hope allâs well." "whenever you're ready to talk about itâŚ" they didn't have to say it though. you knew everything was drastically different from how it used to be. that fact only exasperated by the couples around you, all containing men you'd heard complaints about at some point. it was so lonely. holding back their questions, everybody still did their best to include you while attempting to act oblivious to the tension boiling the air around you. it got to a point where you'd cry in your car before heading inside your own home. the thought of sleeping out constantly flowed through your mind but only made you feel worse. how could this be your reality? and so suddenly at that?
you so badly wanted to know why things had changed, but higuruma wouldn't wholly engage in a conversation without turning it into an argument. arguments he'd use as an excuse not to sleep next to you, sleeping instead in the guest bedroom. in fact, he moved into the guest bedroomâyour shared closet half empty, bathroom counters clearer, and his side of the bed untouched. and you went through it alone. lips remained sealed about it but your appearance was so telling of your predicament that nobody cared to dance around their curiosity anymore. the nature of their questions made it clear you wore treachery on your face and accessorized yourself with heartbreak at every outing, still trying to insist that things were fineâjust a little rocky.
because to tell the utmost truth, you were embarrassed. embarrassed of the way you had flaunted the "perfect Higuruma". embarrassed at how you thought of your relationship in the pastâyour naĂŻvetĂŠ.
it was all so embarrassing almost just as much as it was agonizing, so agonizing you knew it couldn't be ignored anymore. the way you two moved around your home like roommates, barely speaking, and rarely running into each other. to you it was already over.
you wished it wasn't and that one day youâd wake up to Higuruma next to you telling you everything was okay, but it wasnât. and you were done acting like it was something that could still be salvaged. its taken so much out of you already.
and that's why you finally took yourself to the courthouse and filed for divorce.
the process was quick, mostly due to your endless research on it. long nights spent sitting at the dining table, vision blurry as you searched for the easiest means to an end. the papers would be served to Higuruma by your process server, and you were sure heâd be more than happy to sign them off.
aware that it would be a bit before he received the divorce notice, you figured you might as well tell him yourself. not wanting to hide away the factânot feeling the need to. you also wanted out of the house, already having prepared a hotel to stay in while you and your family decided what the next course of action would be.
quick and unchallenging is what you expected the delivery of the news to be. you had already begun to pack your things and buy boxes for the larger items you would be taking. you didnât hide it, so you assumed he got the memo.
waiting around the living room from 8 to 10 gave you time to stew in your sorrows, not daring to contact his phone asking when heâd get home knowing youâd receive some type of vague answer. he finally made his way in a little after 10.
you had planned to face him head on, but found yourself frozen at the sound of him moving through the kitchen, then past you and towards the guest bedroom.
it took a minute for you to gather yourself, heart thrumming through your chest and eyes already beginning to water. you didnât want to be bothered by any of it anymoreâthe way he made you feel like an unwanted nuisance. the way he could still cheapen your rationale and weaken your fortitude served as a repulsive reminder of the history you had together.
âweâre getting a divorce.â you spoke shakily into the silence of the house. the sound of his footsteps halting before moving towards you had your leg bouncing anxiously while your gaze remained locked forward. âI already filed the petition. youâll be getting the papers in about a week.â
âyou didnât think to consult me about that first?â Higuruma asked annoyed. âI wouldâve gone with you, made the process easier.â
ah. it was almost laughable. you figured he wouldnât care but still, the dropping of your heart and streaks of tears running down your face betrayed that notion.
all of your silent and not so silent suffering being met with a response like that had you fuming through anguish. âconsult you? are you fucking kidding me?â you spat. âI wouldnât consult you for shit! you donât even talk to me anymore, why should I make anything easier for you?!â
he sighed into a sarcastic laugh, the sound making you stand from your sitting position. âwhatâs funny?â
âyou thinking youâve ever made anything easier for me. thatâs whatâs funny.â Higuruma tugged at his tie, loosening it from his collar. âill sign the papers when they cââ
âand whatâs that supposed to mean?â you cut him off. âas if youâve ever made anything easier for me! youâve been lurking around this house like I donât exist, and still wasnât man enough to just tell me you didnât want to be with me anymore!â
âthatâs not even trââ
âI had to take it upon myself to start the divorce process! you didnât do shit but make me feel like shit here!â you yelled. âthe only thing you should be fixing your mouth to say is sorry, I donât care to hear anything else Higuruma!â
âsorry for what? trying to find a way to stay with you?â he asked matter-of-factly. âthe only reason I didnât divorce you months ago is because I at least tried to give myself space before making a hasty decision.â
you couldnât believe what you were hearing. fresh tears no longer flowing, your sadness dulled and the only thing you felt was fury. stepping in long strides, you made your way up to him and got in his face.
âyou didnât try a fucking thing! all you did was ignore me.â you shouted, hands in his face enunciating your words.
âhasty decision? give yourself space? trying to find aâyou wanted to divorce me months ago?â you laughed in disbelief at your own questions. âI fucking hate you.â
âyou wouldnât even gââ
âI fucking hate you.â you repeated, this time shoving Higurumaâs chest. âyou donât even know what iâve been going through, what iâve been thinkingâŚâ
âyou hate me?â he asks in disbelief. âfor what? are youâre the only person whose ever gone through something? ive neverââ
âI donât give a fuck.â you spit. âitâs done. itâs done. I donât want to hear anything else. the house is yours; everything is yours, keep everything.â
you began your walk to your bedroom to gather the bags you had prepacked, already planning to forgo packing the boxes you prepared. the only thing you wanted was to get away from that man.
âdonât walk away now.â Higuruma followed you, probably stepping into your previously shared bedroom for the first time in months. âyou get to curse at me, push me, and complain about how youâve had it oh so hard, but I donât get to say anything?â
you ignore him as you try to pile as many bags onto yourself as possible, not wanting to have to make two trips
âof course. because if it isnât about you then it doesnât matter right?â
you check your vanity, making sure youâve gotten all your personal jewelry, before sliding your engagement and wedding band off in one go. turning around to face Higuruma you get one good look at his aggrieved expression before throwing them both in his direction, hard. they hit him near his shoulder before hitting the floor. he didnât move at all to look down at them.
âno.â you answer. âit doesnât.â
your exit from the house was met with multiple attempts to goad you into continuing the argument and you made sure to turn a blind eye to it. he even followed you all the way to your car, insisting that you listened to him, but you were over it.
even hearing his voice became annoying and you found it more satisfying to snap and curse at him, which was a stark contrast to the you from a few years ago. it still hurt, but not as much as it did before and that was all the win you needed.
the divorce itself was smoother than your announcement of it. Higuruma agreed to all of your requests which werenât manyâjust all of your things and the bank split. despite your grand claim of not wanting anymore of your things, your family convinced you to go back and get it. to which you obliged, and with their help, moved all of your additional stuff into a small moving truck while Higuruma was out, leaving the key to the house on the kitchen counter.
early on it was a rollercoaster of emotions. sadness attacked you out of nowhere as you grieved the man you used to love before anger took its place as you played back the actions of the man who hurt you.
but time passedâbecause it always does, and you managed to find yourself in a comfortable routine once again. work, home to your own little condo you brought with the divorce cut, and back to your usual self at functions surrounded by friends. and while you didnât feel pristine, you felt okay enough.
memories of your loving marriage continued to haunt your thoughts at your happiest moments, and the ugliest during your worst. the fact that you were never awarded a proper explanation as to why you were subjected to emotional turmoil for months on end never left you no matter how much time passed.
you wanted nothing more than to hate him, truly. you already hated the way he treated you, the way he handled your heart, the way he stopped loving you gradually and loudly. but you couldnât bring yourself to hate him and it bothered you.
you meant it when you said you loved him and your vowsâdespite no longer matteringâwere born from that love. the most you could commit to was disliking him. though, there was no motivation to seek him out in any way. all methods of communication to him were cut the moment you left that house and while you never got your answer, you were willing to accept that you never would get it.
thatâs why you ignored the letters that would get faxed to your job every friday. everyone who knew you, knew that you almost always left last on friday because you liked to ensure everything was in order for the following week. information such as fax arrival was always shared to you ahead of time so the first time it happened, you were confused and checked it with reserved interest. eyes widening at the contents, you took it from the machine to examine it closely, then you took it to the shredder.
if Higuruma wanted to talk to you, he shouldâve when he had the million chances to. simple as that. he doesnât even have the right to impose on your life like this, not anymore. especially after what transpired between you two.
so, you made a habit out of shredding the faxed letters that would come through on friday afternoons, no longer even sparing them a glace. you thought it was so cruel of him to leave you with yet another thing to mull over at the end of the day. he shouldâve been doing his due diligence to get over your marriage the same way you were, how dare he try to contact you?
you thought it would end there. with the letters eventually stopping, you assumed he got the message and was done. what you werenât assuming was that the faxed letters were only the first phase of Higurumaâs desperate and dismal ploy to do what he should have done the first time:
EX-HUSBAND!HIGURUMA was smart enough to register your non replies as rejection but not smart enough to understand that was an overall rejection. because a few weeks later youâd receive a letter, handwrittenâdirectly to your home. grabbing the mail on your way up to your condo, you shuffled through bills and cute little packages, before coming face to face with a formal envelope addressed to you from your old house. you scoffed at his bravado, then pulled your phone out aiming to find who it was that gave him your address. he shouldnât know that.
you entered your house and threw the mail down as you read the message from one of your friendsâreplying through text, then calling to apologize. their excuse citing his supposed begging and claiming he looked so worn with his words coming across so earnest. you couldnât bring yourself to be moved by that, heâs a lawyer, of course his words seemed earnest. and begging? he shouldâve begged you when he had the chance, but he didnât. you scoffed again, she said he looked worn? you looked worse, he should suck it up. picking up the letter and giving it one more look, you tossed it into the trash and continued on with the rest of your day.
EX-HUSBAND!HIGURUMA made sure to let you know he was still the stubborn man you met years ago. despite you having took the liberty to block his fax number and add it to the automatic reject list even after the letters stop coming to your job, he still found a way. during your usual routine, friday afternoon, finishing up the closing operations, you noticed delivery personnel outside the windows of office floor. there was no one who pulled you aside to tell you there would be a package to be received after hours.
at first, you were irritated that you werenât told, Â but you though it was lucky you were there to sign for it. then, unlocking the door and speaking to the deliverer zapped all that morale and replaced it with revulsion. you tried to get the driver to return the assortment of flowers, which you assumed were ordered by your boss who had been talking about the lack of dĂŠcor around the office earlier in the week, but he refused stating that even if you didnât take them he would still have to leave them.
ultimately you took the flowers inside the office space and placed them on your bossâs desk. they sure werenât going home with you. there was a small card attached to them and despite your brainâs objections, you reached for it. curious at that point, what could he possibly mean by sending you flowers as if yâall were on good termsâas if yâall were still together. you made a face after opening the card, balling it up in your hand before tossing it the garbage. it was empty.
EX-HUSBAND!HIGURUMA wanted to prove he could be a vexation even as a divorcee and proved it he did. because you were vexed. you couldnât even heal properly, not with his presence closing in on you steadily. youâd been holding on for so long and you felt like you had just started to get the hang of yourself.
but of course even in a conversation with one of your friendsâalbeit a mutual friendâhe disturbs you. âcan I say something really quick though? promise you wonât get mad?â you shouldâve said no. shouldâve known the wonât get mad promise was being made for mention of him. your face almost sinks into itself with how hard it screws up the longer he speaks and his own face reflected his understanding of your feelings. âsorry! I know itâs a touchy subjectâI justâŚI wanted to let you know. I hate to see you two soâI believe in fate, you know. so, I really do think you were faââ your annoyed sigh ripped through his nervous chatter, tired of hearing his horrible try at mediating.
mentioning how much Higuruma regrets wont make you run back. mentioning how sorry Higuruma is wont make you care. playing up how bad heâs doing because he finally realized he canât just treat people however whenever for whatever, wont make you feel sorry. he should regret, he should be sorry, and he should be doing badâitâs only fair. you hung up the phone after letting the boy on the other line know that he shouldnât be doing emotional conciliating on behalf of a man as grown as your ex-husband and put your phone away.
EX-HUSBAND!HIGURUMA couldnât believe his eyes when he saw you walk past him and further into the restaurant he was patronizing, and neither could you. arriving late, you had a bit of trouble finding the table your group was sitting at, on the phone with them as you navigated the packed space. you spotted one of your girls after she stood and you saw him the moment you made your towards her. your eyes wouldnât have let you miss him, neck tensing as you held back the instinct to turn and look fully.
you felt nauseous as you passed him, and your nose homed in on the smell of the cologne he always wore. it was soul crushing the way your body reactedâthe way your mind had fooled you into thinking you were even close to being over it. the moment you took your seat at the table, all eyes were on you. you probably looked like you saw a ghost. are you okays? and what happeneds? flew at you, but you didnât want to talk about it and you didnât want to be asked about it.
it didnât matter though, because before you could even play it off with a lie, Higuruma was at the foot of your tableâeyes gentle and hands clasped formally in front of him. the sound of your name coming from his lips for the first time in so long had you blinking away tearsâhe hadnât called you that softly in more than a year despite you only getting divorced almost 3 months ago.
the urge to leave was overwhelming. reassuring hands rubbing your back and empathetic looks from your friends only served to make you feel worse. you wanted to leave. but still, as if stupid, as if you werenât scorn, as if you didnât feel cracks forming in your heart a months ago due to his actions. when he asked if he could speak to you outside, you got up and followed him.
would you say that you regretted following him outside? yes and no. no because deep down you truly didnât want to be done with him, even with all the hurt attached. and yes because you did want to be done feeling the way he made you feel, all the way back to the first moment you noticed the difference in how he treated you till the current moment.
when you followed him outside, he tried to engage in formalities which you shut down the moment he started. ânone of that, please. what do you want?â
he nodded like he understood but you didnât believe he did, crossing your arms in response.
âI just want a chance to talk to you, properly.â he spoke. âI know I messed upâa fucked it all up. but please can I juââ
âdo you know?â you asked skeptically. âdo you really know? because if you did then you wouldnât think there would be a chance to talk to me âproperlyâ.â
his eyes dropped from your face to your shoes. âim so sorry. I shââ
âI tried to talk to you âproperlyâ so much, all the time. and guess what? you refused every time.â you shook your head. âof course youâre sorry now. of course you are.â
âI was sorry then too! I justâI wanted to talk to you, I did. I justâŚâ he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lighting one with the fancy lighter you brought him a long time ago. the sight of it makes you roll your eyes now, ignoring the burning sensation in your eyes.
if you didnât know about his nervous smoking habit, you would have deemed the whole thing performance, but that knowledge is still with you. didnât keep you from feeling frustrated though.
âjust what?!â you snapped, wanting the interaction to be over as soon as possible. âyou wanted to say sorry but didnât, you wanted to talk to me but didnâtâwhat can you do besides make me feel worthless?
âI never meant to make you feel worthless.â he says, voice trembly. âI hate that I did that. I hate the way I handled everything.â
he inhaled and exhaled smoke aggressively between sentences, his cigarette inching down to the filter quickly. âknowing that I made you feel anything other than loved kills me. Iââ
âkills you? really?â you purse your lips. âthen you should be dead a hundred times over by now.â
âyouâre right and I donât blame you for hating me.â he agrees. âI just couldnât bear to let any more time pass knowing I made the woman I love feel as though she meant nothing to me. I know I did everything wrong and my actions canât be changed, but I had to talk to you.â
you clenched and unclenched your jaw as your heart throbbed. his solemn demeanor and dejected voice resonated with the ugly part of you that wanted him to feel pain like you did and shattered the part of you that still loved him unconditionally.
âyou mean everything to me.â he sniffles. âI just couldnât bring myself to burden you with any of my problemsâI just wanted you toââ
âburden? we were married. what burden?â you asked dumbfounded. âand for what anyways? I was stiââ
âplease give me a chance.â he clasped his hands together in front of himself again. âto talk to you, please. please let me at least alleviate whatever feelings I caused you to leave withâwhatever thoughts.â
you stared at his pleading figure, stuck.
âiâm sorry it even took me this long, iâm sorry I treated you like you werenât there when I could never be unaware that you were.â he apologized, wet streaks on his face mirroring your past ones. âI didnât thinkâI just didnât think I belonged with you anymore.â
your throat tightened. your vision rapidly blurred and unblurred as you blinked rapidly. you wanted to ask what he meant but you couldnât trust yourself to speak. your foot began tapping against the ground as you watched Higuruma cry. a man you had only seen cry a handful of times up until that point.
âI couldnât even look at you.â he weeps silently. âI couldnât even sleep in the same room as you. I know you noticed my behavior and I couldnât do anything but close the conversations off whenever you asked about it. too mad at myself forââ
âstop.â your own weary voice cuts into his.
ââeven feeling the way that I did but I couldnât shake it. I couldnââ
âstop!â you raise your voice, attracting the attention of a few bystanders walking near the restaurant. âlets just. âŚlets just finish this another time, we cant do this here.â
his teary eyes find yours, hopeful and grateful. âthank you so much for giving me aââ
âat a public place like this,â you point towards the restaurant. âweâll talk properly, like adults with sense.â
Higuruma nods, dabbing his eyes on the sleeve of his coat. âokay, I understand.â his hand reached out towards you slightly, arm seemingly stuttering before he drops it along with his own head. âweâll talk.â
the return to your group was less awkward than you thought it would be, most likely due to everyoneâs knowledge of the situation. Higuruma left a little while after you finished your conversation, the men he was with following suit.
it didnât take long for you to fall back into the familiar groove you had been able to find yourself in when it came to gatherings. though the future chat you were supposed to have with Higuruma weighed heavily on your mind throughout the rest of your hangout.
you couldnât stop thinking about how he cried. how he looked. it was nerve wracking but freeing. What the future held was unknown but it still felt as though there was a weight lifted off your shouldersâperhaps the weight of pretending to be fine with the way things ended.
because itâs true that you hated the way things ended, the only thing keeping you from letting yourself really accept it was the variable Higuruma and his unexplained elusiveness. with this upcoming conversation, you hoped to get proper closureâand to maybe end the day able to see the love you have for him unmuddied.
your meeting took place over a week later at the first restaurant you two ate at after getting married. when he texted, asking to meet finally, you didnât expect the location to be that one. yeah, you told him a public place, but it didnât have to be another restaurant exactly and definitely not that one.
if you remember correctly, you two hated the place anyway. pretty scenery, pretty food, but everything is nasty, even the drinks. thatâs the exact reason why you only went once and vowed to never go again.
maybe it was sentimental to the past you but itâs nothing to the current you, just one of many bad restaurants you donât care for. and thatâs exactly why when you sat down across from his steadfast figure, you remained stone-faced.
âthank you for coming.â he readjusted himself in his chair, gesturing to the cup of water he mustâve ordered for you. you acknowledged the cup with your eyes before watching his face.
âI want to start this off by saying I am in no way excusing my actions.â he clears his throat. âand I know I donât even deserve your presence, much less your forgiveness. I just want you to know that my intention is to take full blame because itâs all my fault.â
âokay.â now itâs your turn to shift in your seat, sitting up straighter and setting your hands on the table. âiâm listening.â
 the room seemed to warp around you two. the sounds of the other patronsâ conversations faded into the background, Higurumaâs words the loudest thing in the vicinity to you. the upcoming explanation has been something youâve been ruminating over for the longest, you almost found it irksome that the end of your confusion could be brought about so easilyâthat he was so privy to your distress.
âI meant it when I said I hate that I made you feel anything other than loveâthat I made you feel worthless.â he ran his hand through his hair. âmarrying you was the best thing ive ever done and you were an amazing wifeâŚI couldnât even see myself getting married again.â
ââŚthen why would you do that to me?â you questioned through clenched teeth. âwhy would you go months ignoring me and only me? argued with me anytime I spoke to you, wouldnât sleep next to me, and it was all out of nowhere!â
you didnât mean to raise your voice, but even discussing it has all the subdued emotions flaring up, reliving some of the worst moments of your life. itâs inflaming. irritating already irritated wounds.
âI thought I would be able to get out of my head with a little space, then it spiraled out of my control because I couldnât.â Higurumaâs response came out soft, reflective and sincere. âplainly, I didnât believe I should pollute your life with my issues.â
you roll your eyes and he beats you to the chastity. âI know, we were married and meant to share everything and lean on each other. but I couldnât bring myself to bother you with that. I couldnât.â
âbut you could. you couldâve.â you chide, your leg starting to bounce beneath the table. âyou shouldâve! why wouââ
âI know you, even better than I know myself after all this time. I know how you getâhow you worry, how you feel things so deeply. always so compassionate.â he took a quick sip from his water. âso, whenever youâd come to me with your issues, I would listen and try to fix them even when I had my own simmering on the backburner, because how I could I add on to yours?â
âhow could you add on to mine? add on?â you opened and closed your hands on top of the table, trying to calm your racing mind. âwhatever problems or hardships you faced were already mine, we were married. were you there? at the alter? do you not remember any of that or what?â
âI felt capable enough to handle it on my own, so I stuffed it down to keep it from you. and I know thatâs the worst thing to do and in retrospect it was a stupid decision, but I wanted to keep you happy, not weigh you down with my whatever.â Higurumaâs voice wavered and he looked up at the ceiling. âbut my capability manifested only as distance from you, and I noticed immediately how it affected youâhow could I not.â
âdo you know howââ your own voice hiccups as you try to ignore the growing pain building in your throat. âdo you even know how bad it was? it was excruciating. it was like a switch flipped in you and you just hated me all of a sudden. there wasnât a day that didnât go by where I would justâŚwish that you wouldâŚtell me we were okay. that one day I wouldnât have to second guess whether or not you even needed me.â
âI really did need you. I needed you so badly, but I couldnâtâI refused to do anything about it and it only made things worse. I wanted to avoid being the reason you worried, cried, or stressed. and in doing so, I felt like I backed myself into a corner becââ
âbut I did worry. and I did cry. and I was stressed. I did all of that with no knowledge of why!â you interrupted, eyes so watery you could no longer blink the accumulating tears away. âyou made it so hard Higuruma, from the moment you pulled away till now. you made it so hard.â
Higurumaâs expression grew melancholic, but his eyes held your gaze intently. âand itâs my fault for not wanting to be open with you. I regret it more and more everydayâthe last thing I wanted was for any of my cowardice to leave you reeling.â
his gaze traveled down to your now clasped hands. âI regret. I just regret. itâs all iâve felt since the divorce because I knew that it was my fault and I let you walk away bearing the treatment you received with no apology.â
you thought you would be able to hear the truth, and it wouldnât affect you that much. he treated you like an afterthought and left you running for divorce just for a chance to feel like yourself again. you thought it would be like a breath of fresh air, maybe a little sad, but surely youâd be able to take it and move forward towards healing. but that was incredibly flawed logicâit didnât take into account the over 10 years of knowing each other with 3 spent married.
beyond breaking, beyond shattering, your heart felt like it was splitting and you didnât know how to process the newer pain inflicted by knowledge he withheld.
âI knew that you knew I was separating myself, but I hadnât begun to get fix myself nor my problems well enough to face you.â he continues. âso, every time you tried to get me to talk to you, asking me what happened or what was wrong when I had been working so hard to keep my troubles concealed, I would argue with you. ashamed of my own incompetence. ashamed that I even thought I could hide from you.â
you looked like a mess. unable to stop crying, drenching every tissue you pulled from the dispenser and your body shaking from how fast your leg was going. you didnât believe it could be, but the reality was worse than you thought. maybe you wouldâve rather it be cheating or falling out of love that did itâit wouldâve been easier to navigate, easier to lash out at. but to hear that he man you love had been harboring his own issues because he felt as though speaking of them would ruin your happiness was heartrending. you hated the entire situation.
 âeventually I came to the conclusion that I didnât deserve you at allâthatâs why I mentioned I had been thinking of divorce. no one should ever have you feeling unwanted or worthlessâand I did.â Higurumaâs own tears began running down his face though his voice remained stable. âI was disgusted with myself at how your dispirited eyes would follow me whenever we happened to be in the same room so much, I made sure we never were.â
âI donâtâI cant taâŚâ your jumbled words could barely get out before a sob wracked through you.
âand you were right, I wasnât man enough to file for divorce. because I still wanted to be with you and that was so selfish of me.â he continued, his hands wiping his eyes. âit was so absurd of me to even think of wanting you while putting you through hell, I know.â
you covered your face with both of your hands and laid down on the table, all of the energy in your body dissipating the longer the conversation goes.
âwhen you told me that were getting a divorce, I wasnât shocked. who wouldnât divorce a man who did what I did? and youâve always been ten times stronger than I am, of course you would be able to make the decision I couldnât.â he rubbed his hands along his pants. âbut I didnât know how to respond. I felt cast off with no right to and sad with no right to be. all I could muster up wasââ
âHiguruma I cant.â you cut in, words mumbled into your hands. âI cant.â
âI deserved everything you said to me and more. iâm so sorry for putting you through that. even at your breaking point I couldnât gather the courage to be honest. I let all of our time spent together go up in flames and I will forever live knowing the only reason I lost the most important woman in my life was due to my own shortcomings.â
you lifted off the table. removing your hands from your face and meeting Higurumaâs red rimmed eyes. âI cant take this right now. itsââ you patted your chest over your heart. âitâs way too much⌠I thought you hated meâI wanted to hate you!â
âI would never hate you,â he replied softly. âbut you should hate me, I know ive earned it.â
âyouâre right, I should.â you sniffled. âbut I canât. I wish I could so bad you donât even know, but I just cant.â
nothing was said between you two for a while and the atmosphere of the restaurant creeped back in to only after you calmed down. breathing in and out as you steadied your racing heart and dried your soaked face.
Once again hearing the sounds of other peopleâs far away conversations and the occasional clinking of their cutlery against plates. your brain remained in overdrive as it tried to process all the information just received as you took in Higurumaâs tired appearance. looking over him closely for the first time since youâve been apart you realized he looks the same as you remembered. heâs still him.
you sighed. âI donât know what to think.â
he remained still on the other side of the table, hands moving from the top of the table to his legs as he fidgeted slightly.
âweâve talked now.â you put your elbow on the table and leaned on your hand. âwhat do you want from me Higuruma?â
Higuruma shook his head and slowly waved his hands at you. âI donât want anything from you. like I said I just wanted toâŚbe honest with you. I wanted to clean up my mess. the guilt of letting you leave without a proper explanation ate away at me since we split.â
âwell, do you think itâs clean now? And that the explanation just fixed everything?â
âno. I donât think that.â he explained carefully. âbut I thought it could be a start or that it could helpâI wanted to try.â
âmy love for you didnât end the way our marriage did.â Higurumaâs eyes widened at that and your own rolled instinctively. âthatâs the only reason I didnât leave that house hating your guts even though I shouldâve. because truly, I was so miserable towards the end. I cried so much, I wondered what went wrong all the time, and I even thought it was because of something I overlooked.â
you pointed towards Higuruma âI never stopped wondering why, so yes, it did help. but fix? words could never be enough, and I donât even know what would. I suppose only time could heal the wounds youâve left me with, ex-husband.â
his head drooped but he nodded, understanding. âmy love for you will never end.â
you rubbed your lips together and blinked slowly, making sure to hold your eyes closed for a second longer.
âyou say that words could never be enough, but if you let me, ill apologize as many times as I need to even if it does nothing. because I will never stop feeling sorry for the pain that I caused.â he exhaled. âif I could go back in time, I would do everything differently.â
âbut you cant go back in time.â you sit up. âwhatâs done is done.â
âwhere do we go from here?â you ask exhaustedly.
 âwe donât have to go anywhereâwe shouldnât.â Higurumaâs eyes flickered between yours as if he was searching for something, before sitting up straighter. âhowever, its my own imprudent wish that we could walk out of here as strangers.â
âstrangers?â you scoffed. âas in forget everything that happened and go our separate ways?â
âno.â Higuruma clarifies. âas in remember everything that happened and start over, as strangers. im not foolish enough to ask you to get back with me or be my friend or anything like that. I just couldnât imagine a life without youâŚso I wanted to leave the door open to usâas anything, even strangers.â
you almost wanted to scoff again. but the sentiment is shared. for what its worth, its not like you wanted to leave himâyou had to. and its not like you hate him enough to act as though he didnât exist and carry on through life suppressing the memories that have shaped your life for the past couple of years.
it still makes you so angry when you think about what you went through, and your heart still aches when you remember the nights you used cry yourself to sleep. but all the good times hold candles to your darkest memories as if to remind you of what used to beâwhat could be again,
everything is held within you after all. You remember the odd phase you two had when you first became friends, not really speaking without anyone else there. his super extra way of asking you out and his super super extra way of asking you to be his wife. your wedding day. all your dates. all your shared memoriesâshared time.
its all there, and it hasnât gone anywhere because, like a tattoo, itâs permanent no matter how faded. you canât stand the fact that its true, but it is. you couldnât imagine a life completely void of him and whether heâs present or not, you will never know one that way either.
You crossed then uncrossed your legs a few times, trying to keep them from bouncing again as you thought. Higurumaâs anticipatory eyes were shifting from you to the table on repeat and when you meet his gaze, he held your apprehensive stare.
âokay then,â you exhaled before standing. âlets leave as strangers.â
Wanted to draw the pair, and I love how hero turned out and gojo, heâs just there âŚ
this guy

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