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STARTING OVER FROM GROUND ZERO WITH EX-HUSBAND!HIGURUMA WAS SOMETHING YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D DO.

you were so far ahead of that failed marriage and his sickening treatment.

at least that's what you wanted to believe. you wanted to believe that you could just shed the years of your marriage the moment it ended but you couldn’t even keep yourself from reminiscing the upside. guess that's just a downside to making memories—no matter what happens or what changes, you’ll always live with the good ones just as much as the bad ones. it called into question whether the good can outweigh the bad and how bad the “bad” has to be for the good to no longer matter. in your case there was a clear line though, you never really understood the reason why your marriage deteriorated the way it did. it seemed to out of the blue to you. especially considering: HUSBAND!HIGURUMA never wanted to be separated from you for too long. going to work then complaining about how he missed you all day and hating the times you'd work overtime because then he'd have to return to an empty house. he'd even find you in the house whenever you wound up in different rooms and just lay on top of you no matter what you were doing. you’d whine for him to get off you and he’d say no, latching onto you even harder before squeezing.

HUSBAND!HIGURUMA loved to spoil you. constantly buying the things you'd compliment even when you told him not to worry about it. "no baby I want you to have it." Even when you weren't the one ogling at cute things he'd be doing it for you, trying to convince you to get him to buy you something.

it was silly but endearing knowing he associated you with only the highest quality of anything. he'd surprise you with trips out the country. he'd plan extravagant dates at extravagant places and when you'd get on him about not needing to do it all, he would say that he absolutely does. "this isn't even half of what you deserve, if i had it my way you'd have the world." all you could do was laugh and hit his arm, face hot from how swooned you were.

and he would hate when it was reciprocated, saying that you should be spending your money on yourself to which you would tell him shut up before shoving gifts into his hands. and the way he complimented you, nonstop. no matter what you were wearing or how tired you looked from work, if he saw you, it was like he had to say looked beautiful or else he’d die. you acted annoyed but it left a warm and gooey sensation in your chest every time, it was like your heart glowed at his words.

HUSBAND!HIGURUMA listened to you complain about any and everything. when and whenever. your husband was a lawyer but turned therapist for you and he was good at it. someone pissed you off at work? he’s shitting on them with you. one of your plans fell through? he’s telling you it’s okay and proposing solutions. one of your friends made you mad? he’s trying to make sure you don’t lose a friendship over small disagreements.

anytime you cried, Higuruma hated it. he’d hold you into his chest until you stopped, not letting you pull away until you told him why. it became second nature to share every emotion you felt with Higuruma; you couldn’t even recall those earlier days when you used to try and keep your feelings at bay assuming imposing them on him would annoy him eventually. Its Higuruma who made sure to teach you that in marriage, there are no individual issues amongst you two, you share them.  

HUSBAND!HIGURUMA would worship your body every time you had sex. his hands taking their time mapping and caressing your curves as though you had all the time in the world and it would feel like that too.

he’d kiss every section of your skin he came in contact with, marking up the parts of your body the world would never see. he’d kiss each of your fingers, the palms and back of your hands, before kissing your rings. Higuruma would tell you how much he loved you, how much you were perfect for him, and how much he couldn’t live without you as he made love to you. you could only parrot his statements, proof of the feeling being mutual manifesting as your bodies reaction to his. and promises of being together forever were always whispered between you in your most intimate moments.

your hands always found his, grasping onto them tightly as your bodies continued in a rhythm most familiar to you—your wedding rings kissing as you do. afterwards he would make sure you were okay, cleaning you up and pressing even more kisses into your skin as he held you close. and you would always stare up at him blissfully when he did, making him laugh as he asked “what?” you’d just shake your head and nuzzle further into him, wanting to be impossibly closer.

HUSBAND!HIGURUMA never did anything to make you feel unloved. there was no doubt in your mind that he knew you better than anyone else. he was the reason you believed in soulmates, because what else could describe how well you two go together? even on your hardest days you found they were made easier than before just by his presence alone and vice versa.

eating together, lounging together, planning anniversaries together, and even setting goals together. any of your wins were treated like his own with him being the most excited whenever anything good happened to you be it a promotion, a raise, or even something as minimal as finding money on the ground.

you’d constantly tell him how lucky you felt to have him by your side, and he would just throw it back at you. “not luckier than me.” he’d say before pressing his lips to your forehead and pulling you in for a hug. he was one of the safest places you knew and there was nothing in your brain that could shake your love and admiration for the man you married.

you thought you'd be together forever and it really did seem that way. 3 years of what you considered a perfect marriage had you thinking you had to be the luckiest girl in the world. "how could our honeymoon phase last this long?" "we must be real soulmates, we never fail to see eye to eye." "we were fated to be together—we must be, how else could you explain this type of romance?" everyone told you that marriage came with a lot of ups and downs, alerting you that you should anticipate those. you didn't think much of it then, most of these warnings obviously stemming from your long-lasting love stricken state. all over each other all the time, always on dates, and taking spontaneous trips together. back then, the worst argument you had been in was over something super small—him forgetting to turn the stove off causing your pasta to become mushy. he claimed you didn't tell him to watch it, you knew that you did so you didn't back down, and in the end he apologized and ordered you both takeout.

so, naturally, whenever you would get with your friends, you'd have nothing to really complain about. while they ranted about times their partners pissed them off or altercations they've had, you listened unrelating. they'd playfully say they needed a Higuruma and you'd just laugh—unaware of what lied right around the corner for your relationship. of course, deep down inside, you knew that one day you two would have to overcome obstacles as well. and you were so sure you'd overcome them when they showed up. you've seen others do it and you've heard of the worst fallouts happening between couples still together. you and Higuruma are just too in love to fall apart that easily.

that's why when his moods turned sour around you, you just thought it was your guy's time to overcome—for better or worse. but as it turns out, everything is scarier when you have to face it because all you could feel was fear when: HUSBAND?HIGURUMA made it habit to vacate the house whenever you were home. you could be coming in from work, running errands, anything and you would hear the front door of your house close at minimum 30 minutes later. The first time it happened you didn’t think much of it, assuming he just had something to do but as it became a pattern you’d begin to feel a sinking in your stomach. You tried not to make a big deal of it though since it wasn’t something he’d usually do. you hoped that it was momentary and that eventually it would stop, but it just kept happening.

When you asked him about it he brushed you off, freezing you where you stood. He never brushed you off before ever. “what? no, don’t worry about it. its nothing.” not at all an adequate answer for the way you had just poured your heart out into the questions of why he had been leaving the house every time you entered it. “how can I not worry about it? you don’t usually leave like this—so often. especially not without telling me or something….” you responded shyly, unaware of how to approach the situation.

and for nothing at all because he’d just continue to brush it off. “so I leave the house a few times and it becomes a problem? Im telling you its nothing, don’t worry about it.” your eyes didn’t leave his retreating figure any time he walked away from you after diminishing your nervous curiosity, lost as to why he was so different.

HUSBAND?HIGURUMA started to pretend like you weren't there whenever you crossed paths in the house you shared. entering the kitchen to grab something from the fridge then leaving without so much as a glance your way. you watched him the entire time. is he doing that on purpose? it seemed like those days all you had were questions when it came down to him. worst of all you actually felt hesitant to ask him about it, second guessing if you were overthinking his behavior.

its not like its evil or wrong for people to have time to themselves in relationships, you are still your own people. but you couldn’t be so sure how much of it was normal. you feared…annoying him. the realization felt like being dropped into the arctic—when was the last time you worried about something like that? you really didn’t like the fact that your relationship seemed to be regressing in front of you so you decided to bring it up to him only to be met with the same indifference you had been subject to for about a month at that time.

“stop, its nothing like that. what are you talking about?” his voice sounded sincere and his question seemed honest but you could tell. you could tell he was well aware of what you were asking him about and it made you want to cry but you held it together, not wanting to cry in front of him.

“it’s just a bit weird, you know?” you laughed dryly, “once or twice is nothing but sometimes I have to call you a few times to even get you to acknowledge me lately.” Higuruma would just tilt his head at you and tell you again, that it was fine even though you were trying to tell him it wasn’t.

HUSBAND?HIGURUMA wouldn’t talk to you anymore. not without it escalating into some type of clash. you yearned to fix whatever was broken between you more than anything, but he made sure that didn’t happen. no longer brushing you off with careless reassurance, he’d graduated into escalating your valid worries into verbal altercations. never too long or too explosive, just enough for you to realize that it’s no longer a normal conversation.

You didn’t want to argue with him at all. You just wanted things to go back to normal, so you’d pull back from them the moment words turned antagonistic. Two months into his weird behavior, left you shook to your core. Your head was unable to wrap around any possible reason for what you’re experiencing, you couldn’t even pinpoint when he slipped into that impassive version of himself.

the volatility gave you whiplash. even something as simple as “was work good today? anything interesting happen?” would be returned to you as “work is work, when does anything interesting ever happen?” downcast eyes became second nature to you, only lifeline you could hold on to was the one that tells you he would come back around. its just bad right now but it will get better. it wont stay like this forever, it couldn’t.

HUSBAND?HIGURUMA couldn't have made it any clearer how much he'd grown to detest you. there was no doubt about it. he became somewhat of a phantom to you as the Higuruma you knew faded into the back of your mind. the person you were sharing your life with did everything the opposite from what you remembered, and it tore you to shreds.

it was harder to believe that it was just a rough patch and that it would pass, whatever it was here to stay. you believed that. you just didn’t know why or what you did to deserve it. the days became gloomier to you and your previously optimistic mindset had vanished. you knew talking to him was pointless and you knew that being pointless was a sign—a sign that your husband might not be that anymore.

it didn't make sense to you. "what's happening?" "what am I doing wrong?" it was as if you were living with a stranger with the same appearance and mannerisms as your husband. you hated the way he started to look out of place next to you, as if he never fit in the first place.no matter what you did to try to patch up the seams in your marriage that had randomly begun to show, it somehow only got worse. it was like pulling an out of place string from a sweater, the more you yanked the more it unraveled. you didn’t jump to blame yourself, no. it was definitely his fault. but you couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of something you had done. his late nights out unrelated to work had you checking to see if he was cheating, nothing there. him working overtime had you seeing him less at home and whenever you would suggest going out or spending any type of time together, he'd brush you off with a lousy excuse.

and lousy is exactly what it was. because the moment any of his friends would do the same, he'd be out of the house without a second thought—only telling you after you asked about his whereabouts. showing up solo to gatherings and holiday events is when it really set in for you. nobody would warn you of anything anymore. now they'd just ask "higuruma's busy again?" before moving on, face saying what their mouths didn’t. "damn, again?" "I hope all’s well." "whenever you're ready to talk about it…" they didn't have to say it though. you knew everything was drastically different from how it used to be. that fact only exasperated by the couples around you, all containing men you'd heard complaints about at some point. it was so lonely. holding back their questions, everybody still did their best to include you while attempting to act oblivious to the tension boiling the air around you. it got to a point where you'd cry in your car before heading inside your own home. the thought of sleeping out constantly flowed through your mind but only made you feel worse. how could this be your reality? and so suddenly at that?

you so badly wanted to know why things had changed, but higuruma wouldn't wholly engage in a conversation without turning it into an argument. arguments he'd use as an excuse not to sleep next to you, sleeping instead in the guest bedroom. in fact, he moved into the guest bedroom—your shared closet half empty, bathroom counters clearer, and his side of the bed untouched. and you went through it alone. lips remained sealed about it but your appearance was so telling of your predicament that nobody cared to dance around their curiosity anymore. the nature of their questions made it clear you wore treachery on your face and accessorized yourself with heartbreak at every outing, still trying to insist that things were fine—just a little rocky.

because to tell the utmost truth, you were embarrassed. embarrassed of the way you had flaunted the "perfect Higuruma". embarrassed at how you thought of your relationship in the past—your naïveté.

it was all so embarrassing almost just as much as it was agonizing, so agonizing you knew it couldn't be ignored anymore. the way you two moved around your home like roommates, barely speaking, and rarely running into each other. to you it was already over.

you wished it wasn't and that one day you’d wake up to Higuruma next to you telling you everything was okay, but it wasn’t. and you were done acting like it was something that could still be salvaged. its taken so much out of you already.

and that's why you finally took yourself to the courthouse and filed for divorce.

the process was quick, mostly due to your endless research on it. long nights spent sitting at the dining table, vision blurry as you searched for the easiest means to an end. the papers would be served to Higuruma by your process server, and you were sure he’d be more than happy to sign them off.

aware that it would be a bit before he received the divorce notice, you figured you might as well tell him yourself. not wanting to hide away the fact—not feeling the need to. you also wanted out of the house, already having prepared a hotel to stay in while you and your family decided what the next course of action would be.

quick and unchallenging is what you expected the delivery of the news to be. you had already begun to pack your things and buy boxes for the larger items you would be taking. you didn’t hide it, so you assumed he got the memo.

waiting around the living room from 8 to 10 gave you time to stew in your sorrows, not daring to contact his phone asking when he’d get home knowing you’d receive some type of vague answer. he finally made his way in a little after 10.

you had planned to face him head on, but found yourself frozen at the sound of him moving through the kitchen, then past you and towards the guest bedroom.

it took a minute for you to gather yourself, heart thrumming through your chest and eyes already beginning to water. you didn’t want to be bothered by any of it anymore—the way he made you feel like an unwanted nuisance. the way he could still cheapen your rationale and weaken your fortitude served as a repulsive reminder of the history you had together.

“we’re getting a divorce.” you spoke shakily into the silence of the house. the sound of his footsteps halting before moving towards you had your leg bouncing anxiously while your gaze remained locked forward. “I already filed the petition. you’ll be getting the papers in about a week.”

“you didn’t think to consult me about that first?” Higuruma asked annoyed. “I would’ve gone with you, made the process easier.”

ah. it was almost laughable. you figured he wouldn’t care but still, the dropping of your heart and streaks of tears running down your face betrayed that notion.

all of your silent and not so silent suffering being met with a response like that had you fuming through anguish. “consult you? are you fucking kidding me?” you spat. “I wouldn’t consult you for shit! you don’t even talk to me anymore, why should I make anything easier for you?!”

he sighed into a sarcastic laugh, the sound making you stand from your sitting position. “what’s funny?”

“you thinking you’ve ever made anything easier for me. that’s what’s funny.” Higuruma tugged at his tie, loosening it from his collar. “ill sign the papers when they c—”

“and what’s that supposed to mean?” you cut him off. “as if you’ve ever made anything easier for me! you’ve been lurking around this house like I don’t exist, and still wasn’t man enough to just tell me you didn’t want to be with me anymore!”

“that’s not even tr—”

“I had to take it upon myself to start the divorce process! you didn’t do shit but make me feel like shit here!” you yelled. “the only thing you should be fixing your mouth to say is sorry, I don’t care to hear anything else Higuruma!”

“sorry for what? trying to find a way to stay with you?” he asked matter-of-factly. “the only reason I didn’t divorce you months ago is because I at least tried to give myself space before making a hasty decision.”

you couldn’t believe what you were hearing. fresh tears no longer flowing, your sadness dulled and the only thing you felt was fury. stepping in long strides, you made your way up to him and got in his face.

“you didn’t try a fucking thing! all you did was ignore me.” you shouted, hands in his face enunciating your words.

“hasty decision? give yourself space? trying to find a—you wanted to divorce me months ago?” you laughed in disbelief at your own questions. “I fucking hate you.”

“you wouldn’t even g—”

“I fucking hate you.” you repeated, this time shoving Higuruma’s chest. “you don’t even know what i’ve been going through, what i’ve been thinking…”

“you hate me?” he asks in disbelief. “for what? are you’re the only person whose ever gone through something? ive never—”

“I don’t give a fuck.” you spit. “it’s done. it’s done. I don’t want to hear anything else. the house is yours; everything is yours, keep everything.”

you began your walk to your bedroom to gather the bags you had prepacked, already planning to forgo packing the boxes you prepared. the only thing you wanted was to get away from that man.

“don’t walk away now.” Higuruma followed you, probably stepping into your previously shared bedroom for the first time in months. “you get to curse at me, push me, and complain about how you’ve had it oh so hard, but I don’t get to say anything?”

you ignore him as you try to pile as many bags onto yourself as possible, not wanting to have to make two trips

“of course. because if it isn’t about you then it doesn’t matter right?”

you check your vanity, making sure you’ve gotten all your personal jewelry, before sliding your engagement and wedding band off in one go. turning around to face Higuruma you get one good look at his aggrieved expression before throwing them both in his direction, hard. they hit him near his shoulder before hitting the floor. he didn’t move at all to look down at them.

“no.” you answer. “it doesn’t.”

your exit from the house was met with multiple attempts to goad you into continuing the argument and you made sure to turn a blind eye to it. he even followed you all the way to your car, insisting that you listened to him, but you were over it.

even hearing his voice became annoying and you found it more satisfying to snap and curse at him, which was a stark contrast to the you from a few years ago. it still hurt, but not as much as it did before and that was all the win you needed.

the divorce itself was smoother than your announcement of it. Higuruma agreed to all of your requests which weren’t many—just all of your things and the bank split. despite your grand claim of not wanting anymore of your things, your family convinced you to go back and get it. to which you obliged, and with their help, moved all of your additional stuff into a small moving truck while Higuruma was out, leaving the key to the house on the kitchen counter.

early on it was a rollercoaster of emotions. sadness attacked you out of nowhere as you grieved the man you used to love before anger took its place as you played back the actions of the man who hurt you.

but time passed—because it always does, and you managed to find yourself in a comfortable routine once again. work, home to your own little condo you brought with the divorce cut, and back to your usual self at functions surrounded by friends. and while you didn’t feel pristine, you felt okay enough.

memories of your loving marriage continued to haunt your thoughts at your happiest moments, and the ugliest during your worst. the fact that you were never awarded a proper explanation as to why you were subjected to emotional turmoil for months on end never left you no matter how much time passed.

you wanted nothing more than to hate him, truly. you already hated the way he treated you, the way he handled your heart, the way he stopped loving you gradually and loudly. but you couldn’t bring yourself to hate him and it bothered you.

you meant it when you said you loved him and your vows—despite no longer mattering—were born from that love. the most you could commit to was disliking him. though, there was no motivation to seek him out in any way. all methods of communication to him were cut the moment you left that house and while you never got your answer, you were willing to accept that you never would get it.

that’s why you ignored the letters that would get faxed to your job every friday. everyone who knew you, knew that you almost always left last on friday because you liked to ensure everything was in order for the following week. information such as fax arrival was always shared to you ahead of time so the first time it happened, you were confused and checked it with reserved interest. eyes widening at the contents, you took it from the machine to examine it closely, then you took it to the shredder.

if Higuruma wanted to talk to you, he should’ve when he had the million chances to. simple as that. he doesn’t even have the right to impose on your life like this, not anymore. especially after what transpired between you two.

so, you made a habit out of shredding the faxed letters that would come through on friday afternoons, no longer even sparing them a glace. you thought it was so cruel of him to leave you with yet another thing to mull over at the end of the day. he should’ve been doing his due diligence to get over your marriage the same way you were, how dare he try to contact you?

you thought it would end there. with the letters eventually stopping, you assumed he got the message and was done. what you weren’t assuming was that the faxed letters were only the first phase of Higuruma’s desperate and dismal ploy to do what he should have done the first time:

EX-HUSBAND!HIGURUMA was smart enough to register your non replies as rejection but not smart enough to understand that was an overall rejection. because a few weeks later you’d receive a letter, handwritten—directly to your home. grabbing the mail on your way up to your condo, you shuffled through bills and cute little packages, before coming face to face with a formal envelope addressed to you from your old house. you scoffed at his bravado, then pulled your phone out aiming to find who it was that gave him your address. he shouldn’t know that.

you entered your house and threw the mail down as you read the message from one of your friends—replying through text, then calling to apologize. their excuse citing his supposed begging and claiming he looked so worn with his words coming across so earnest. you couldn’t bring yourself to be moved by that, he’s a lawyer, of course his words seemed earnest. and begging? he should’ve begged you when he had the chance, but he didn’t. you scoffed again, she said he looked worn? you looked worse, he should suck it up. picking up the letter and giving it one more look, you tossed it into the trash and continued on with the rest of your day.

EX-HUSBAND!HIGURUMA made sure to let you know he was still the stubborn man you met years ago. despite you having took the liberty to block his fax number and add it to the automatic reject list even after the letters stop coming to your job, he still found a way. during your usual routine, friday afternoon, finishing up the closing operations, you noticed delivery personnel outside the windows of office floor. there was no one who pulled you aside to tell you there would be a package to be received after hours.

at first, you were irritated that you weren’t told,  but you though it was lucky you were there to sign for it. then, unlocking the door and speaking to the deliverer zapped all that morale and replaced it with revulsion. you tried to get the driver to return the assortment of flowers, which you assumed were ordered by your boss who had been talking about the lack of décor around the office earlier in the week, but he refused stating that even if you didn’t take them he would still have to leave them.

ultimately you took the flowers inside the office space and placed them on your boss’s desk. they sure weren’t going home with you. there was a small card attached to them and despite your brain’s objections, you reached for it. curious at that point, what could he possibly mean by sending you flowers as if y’all were on good terms—as if y’all were still together. you made a face after opening the card, balling it up in your hand before tossing it the garbage. it was empty.

EX-HUSBAND!HIGURUMA wanted to prove he could be a vexation even as a divorcee and proved it he did. because you were vexed. you couldn’t even heal properly, not with his presence closing in on you steadily. you’d been holding on for so long and you felt like you had just started to get the hang of yourself.

but of course even in a conversation with one of your friends—albeit a mutual friend—he disturbs you. “can I say something really quick though? promise you won’t get mad?” you should’ve said no. should’ve known the won’t get mad promise was being made for mention of him. your face almost sinks into itself with how hard it screws up the longer he speaks and his own face reflected his understanding of your feelings. “sorry! I know it’s a touchy subject—I just…I wanted to let you know. I hate to see you two so—I believe in fate, you know. so, I really do think you were fa—” your annoyed sigh ripped through his nervous chatter, tired of hearing his horrible try at mediating.

mentioning how much Higuruma regrets wont make you run back. mentioning how sorry Higuruma is wont make you care. playing up how bad he’s doing because he finally realized he can’t just treat people however whenever for whatever, wont make you feel sorry. he should regret, he should be sorry, and he should be doing bad—it’s only fair. you hung up the phone after letting the boy on the other line know that he shouldn’t be doing emotional conciliating on behalf of a man as grown as your ex-husband and put your phone away.

EX-HUSBAND!HIGURUMA couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw you walk past him and further into the restaurant he was patronizing, and neither could you. arriving late, you had a bit of trouble finding the table your group was sitting at, on the phone with them as you navigated the packed space. you spotted one of your girls after she stood and you saw him the moment you made your towards her. your eyes wouldn’t have let you miss him, neck tensing as you held back the instinct to turn and look fully.

you felt nauseous as you passed him, and your nose homed in on the smell of the cologne he always wore. it was soul crushing the way your body reacted—the way your mind had fooled you into thinking you were even close to being over it. the moment you took your seat at the table, all eyes were on you. you probably looked like you saw a ghost. are you okays? and what happeneds? flew at you, but you didn’t want to talk about it and you didn’t want to be asked about it.

it didn’t matter though, because before you could even play it off with a lie, Higuruma was at the foot of your table—eyes gentle and hands clasped formally in front of him. the sound of your name coming from his lips for the first time in so long had you blinking away tears—he hadn’t called you that softly in more than a year despite you only getting divorced almost 3 months ago.

the urge to leave was overwhelming. reassuring hands rubbing your back and empathetic looks from your friends only served to make you feel worse. you wanted to leave. but still, as if stupid, as if you weren’t scorn, as if you didn’t feel cracks forming in your heart a months ago due to his actions. when he asked if he could speak to you outside, you got up and followed him.

would you say that you regretted following him outside? yes and no. no because deep down you truly didn’t want to be done with him, even with all the hurt attached. and yes because you did want to be done feeling the way he made you feel, all the way back to the first moment you noticed the difference in how he treated you till the current moment.

when you followed him outside, he tried to engage in formalities which you shut down the moment he started. “none of that, please. what do you want?”

he nodded like he understood but you didn’t believe he did, crossing your arms in response.

“I just want a chance to talk to you, properly.” he spoke. “I know I messed up—a fucked it all up. but please can I ju—”

“do you know?” you asked skeptically. “do you really know? because if you did then you wouldn’t think there would be a chance to talk to me ‘properly’.”

his eyes dropped from your face to your shoes. “im so sorry. I sh—”

“I tried to talk to you ‘properly’ so much, all the time. and guess what? you refused every time.” you shook your head. “of course you’re sorry now. of course you are.”

“I was sorry then too! I just—I wanted to talk to you, I did. I just…” he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lighting one with the fancy lighter you brought him a long time ago. the sight of it makes you roll your eyes now, ignoring the burning sensation in your eyes.

if you didn’t know about his nervous smoking habit, you would have deemed the whole thing performance, but that knowledge is still with you. didn’t keep you from feeling frustrated though.

“just what?!” you snapped, wanting the interaction to be over as soon as possible. “you wanted to say sorry but didn’t, you wanted to talk to me but didn’t—what can you do besides make me feel worthless?

“I never meant to make you feel worthless.” he says, voice trembly. “I hate that I did that. I hate the way I handled everything.”

he inhaled and exhaled smoke aggressively between sentences, his cigarette inching down to the filter quickly. “knowing that I made you feel anything other than loved kills me. I—”

“kills you? really?” you purse your lips. “then you should be dead a hundred times over by now.”

“you’re right and I don’t blame you for hating me.” he agrees. “I just couldn’t bear to let any more time pass knowing I made the woman I love feel as though she meant nothing to me. I know I did everything wrong and my actions can’t be changed, but I had to talk to you.”

you clenched and unclenched your jaw as your heart throbbed. his solemn demeanor and dejected voice resonated with the ugly part of you that wanted him to feel pain like you did and shattered the part of you that still loved him unconditionally.

“you mean everything to me.” he sniffles. “I just couldn’t bring myself to burden you with any of my problems—I just wanted you to—”

“burden? we were married. what burden?” you asked dumbfounded. “and for what anyways? I was sti—”

“please give me a chance.” he clasped his hands together in front of himself again. “to talk to you, please. please let me at least alleviate whatever feelings I caused you to leave with—whatever thoughts.”

you stared at his pleading figure, stuck.

“i’m sorry it even took me this long, i’m sorry I treated you like you weren’t there when I could never be unaware that you were.” he apologized, wet streaks on his face mirroring your past ones. “I didn’t think—I just didn’t think I belonged with you anymore.”

your throat tightened. your vision rapidly blurred and unblurred as you blinked rapidly. you wanted to ask what he meant but you couldn’t trust yourself to speak. your foot began tapping against the ground as you watched Higuruma cry. a man you had only seen cry a handful of times up until that point.

“I couldn’t even look at you.” he weeps silently. “I couldn’t even sleep in the same room as you. I know you noticed my behavior and I couldn’t do anything but close the conversations off whenever you asked about it. too mad at myself for—”

“stop.” your own weary voice cuts into his.

“—even feeling the way that I did but I couldn’t shake it. I couldn—”

“stop!” you raise your voice, attracting the attention of a few bystanders walking near the restaurant. “lets just. …lets just finish this another time, we cant do this here.”

his teary eyes find yours, hopeful and grateful. “thank you so much for giving me a—”

“at a public place like this,” you point towards the restaurant. “we’ll talk properly, like adults with sense.”

Higuruma nods, dabbing his eyes on the sleeve of his coat. “okay, I understand.” his hand reached out towards you slightly, arm seemingly stuttering before he drops it along with his own head. “we’ll talk.”

the return to your group was less awkward than you thought it would be, most likely due to everyone’s knowledge of the situation. Higuruma left a little while after you finished your conversation, the men he was with following suit.

it didn’t take long for you to fall back into the familiar groove you had been able to find yourself in when it came to gatherings. though the future chat you were supposed to have with Higuruma weighed heavily on your mind throughout the rest of your hangout.

you couldn’t stop thinking about how he cried. how he looked. it was nerve wracking but freeing. What the future held was unknown but it still felt as though there was a weight lifted off your shoulders—perhaps the weight of pretending to be fine with the way things ended.

because it’s true that you hated the way things ended, the only thing keeping you from letting yourself really accept it was the variable Higuruma and his unexplained elusiveness. with this upcoming conversation, you hoped to get proper closure—and to maybe end the day able to see the love you have for him unmuddied.

your meeting took place over a week later at the first restaurant you two ate at after getting married. when he texted, asking to meet finally, you didn’t expect the location to be that one. yeah, you told him a public place, but it didn’t have to be another restaurant exactly and definitely not that one.

if you remember correctly, you two hated the place anyway. pretty scenery, pretty food, but everything is nasty, even the drinks. that’s the exact reason why you only went once and vowed to never go again.

maybe it was sentimental to the past you but it’s nothing to the current you, just one of many bad restaurants you don’t care for. and that’s exactly why when you sat down across from his steadfast figure, you remained stone-faced.

“thank you for coming.” he readjusted himself in his chair, gesturing to the cup of water he must’ve ordered for you. you acknowledged the cup with your eyes before watching his face.

“I want to start this off by saying I am in no way excusing my actions.” he clears his throat. “and I know I don’t even deserve your presence, much less your forgiveness. I just want you to know that my intention is to take full blame because it’s all my fault.”

“okay.” now it’s your turn to shift in your seat, sitting up straighter and setting your hands on the table. “i’m listening.”

 the room seemed to warp around you two. the sounds of the other patrons’ conversations faded into the background, Higuruma’s words the loudest thing in the vicinity to you. the upcoming explanation has been something you’ve been ruminating over for the longest, you almost found it irksome that the end of your confusion could be brought about so easily—that he was so privy to your distress.

“I meant it when I said I hate that I made you feel anything other than love—that I made you feel worthless.” he ran his hand through his hair. “marrying you was the best thing ive ever done and you were an amazing wife…I couldn’t even see myself getting married again.”

“…then why would you do that to me?” you questioned through clenched teeth. “why would you go months ignoring me and only me? argued with me anytime I spoke to you, wouldn’t sleep next to me, and it was all out of nowhere!”

you didn’t mean to raise your voice, but even discussing it has all the subdued emotions flaring up, reliving some of the worst moments of your life. it’s inflaming. irritating already irritated wounds.

“I thought I would be able to get out of my head with a little space, then it spiraled out of my control because I couldn’t.” Higuruma’s response came out soft, reflective and sincere. “plainly, I didn’t believe I should pollute your life with my issues.”

you roll your eyes and he beats you to the chastity. “I know, we were married and meant to share everything and lean on each other. but I couldn’t bring myself to bother you with that. I couldn’t.”

“but you could. you could’ve.” you chide, your leg starting to bounce beneath the table. “you should’ve! why wou—”

“I know you, even better than I know myself after all this time. I know how you get—how you worry, how you feel things so deeply. always so compassionate.” he took a quick sip from his water. “so, whenever you’d come to me with your issues, I would listen and try to fix them even when I had my own simmering on the backburner, because how I could I add on to yours?”

“how could you add on to mine? add on?” you opened and closed your hands on top of the table, trying to calm your racing mind. “whatever problems or hardships you faced were already mine, we were married. were you there? at the alter? do you not remember any of that or what?”

“I felt capable enough to handle it on my own, so I stuffed it down to keep it from you. and I know that’s the worst thing to do and in retrospect it was a stupid decision, but I wanted to keep you happy, not weigh you down with my whatever.” Higuruma’s voice wavered and he looked up at the ceiling. “but my capability manifested only as distance from you, and I noticed immediately how it affected you—how could I not.”

“do you know how—” your own voice hiccups as you try to ignore the growing pain building in your throat. “do you even know how bad it was? it was excruciating. it was like a switch flipped in you and you just hated me all of a sudden. there wasn’t a day that didn’t go by where I would just…wish that you would…tell me we were okay. that one day I wouldn’t have to second guess whether or not you even needed me.”

“I really did need you. I needed you so badly, but I couldn’t—I refused to do anything about it and it only made things worse. I wanted to avoid being the reason you worried, cried, or stressed. and in doing so, I felt like I backed myself into a corner bec—”

“but I did worry. and I did cry. and I was stressed. I did all of that with no knowledge of why!” you interrupted, eyes so watery you could no longer blink the accumulating tears away. “you made it so hard Higuruma, from the moment you pulled away till now. you made it so hard.”

Higuruma’s expression grew melancholic, but his eyes held your gaze intently. “and it’s my fault for not wanting to be open with you. I regret it more and more everyday—the last thing I wanted was for any of my cowardice to leave you reeling.”

his gaze traveled down to your now clasped hands. “I regret. I just regret. it’s all i’ve felt since the divorce because I knew that it was my fault and I let you walk away bearing the treatment you received with no apology.”

you thought you would be able to hear the truth, and it wouldn’t affect you that much. he treated you like an afterthought and left you running for divorce just for a chance to feel like yourself again. you thought it would be like a breath of fresh air, maybe a little sad, but surely you’d be able to take it and move forward towards healing. but that was incredibly flawed logic—it didn’t take into account the over 10 years of knowing each other with 3 spent married.

beyond breaking, beyond shattering, your heart felt like it was splitting and you didn’t know how to process the newer pain inflicted by knowledge he withheld.

“I knew that you knew I was separating myself, but I hadn’t begun to get fix myself nor my problems well enough to face you.” he continues. “so, every time you tried to get me to talk to you, asking me what happened or what was wrong when I had been working so hard to keep my troubles concealed, I would argue with you. ashamed of my own incompetence. ashamed that I even thought I could hide from you.”

you looked like a mess. unable to stop crying, drenching every tissue you pulled from the dispenser and your body shaking from how fast your leg was going. you didn’t believe it could be, but the reality was worse than you thought. maybe you would’ve rather it be cheating or falling out of love that did it—it would’ve been easier to navigate, easier to lash out at. but to hear that he man you love had been harboring his own issues because he felt as though speaking of them would ruin your happiness was heartrending. you hated the entire situation.

 “eventually I came to the conclusion that I didn’t deserve you at all—that’s why I mentioned I had been thinking of divorce. no one should ever have you feeling unwanted or worthless—and I did.” Higuruma’s own tears began running down his face though his voice remained stable. “I was disgusted with myself at how your dispirited eyes would follow me whenever we happened to be in the same room so much, I made sure we never were.”

“I don’t—I cant ta…” your jumbled words could barely get out before a sob wracked through you.

“and you were right, I wasn’t man enough to file for divorce. because I still wanted to be with you and that was so selfish of me.” he continued, his hands wiping his eyes. “it was so absurd of me to even think of wanting you while putting you through hell, I know.”

you covered your face with both of your hands and laid down on the table, all of the energy in your body dissipating the longer the conversation goes.

“when you told me that were getting a divorce, I wasn’t shocked. who wouldn’t divorce a man who did what I did? and you’ve always been ten times stronger than I am, of course you would be able to make the decision I couldn’t.” he rubbed his hands along his pants. “but I didn’t know how to respond. I felt cast off with no right to and sad with no right to be. all I could muster up was—”

“Higuruma I cant.’ you cut in, words mumbled into your hands. “I cant.”

“I deserved everything you said to me and more. i’m so sorry for putting you through that. even at your breaking point I couldn’t gather the courage to be honest. I let all of our time spent together go up in flames and I will forever live knowing the only reason I lost the most important woman in my life was due to my own shortcomings.”

you lifted off the table. removing your hands from your face and meeting Higuruma’s red rimmed eyes. “I cant take this right now. its—” you patted your chest over your heart. “it’s way too much… I thought you hated me—I wanted to hate you!”

“I would never hate you,” he replied softly. “but you should hate me, I know ive earned it.”

“you’re right, I should.” you sniffled. “but I can’t. I wish I could so bad you don’t even know, but I just cant.”

nothing was said between you two for a while and the atmosphere of the restaurant creeped back in to only after you calmed down. breathing in and out as you steadied your racing heart and dried your soaked face.

Once again hearing the sounds of other people’s far away conversations and the occasional clinking of their cutlery against plates. your brain remained in overdrive as it tried to process all the information just received as you took in Higuruma’s tired appearance. looking over him closely for the first time since you’ve been apart you realized he looks the same as you remembered. he’s still him.

you sighed. “I don’t know what to think.”

he remained still on the other side of the table, hands moving from the top of the table to his legs as he fidgeted slightly.

“we’ve talked now.” you put your elbow on the table and leaned on your hand. “what do you want from me Higuruma?”

Higuruma shook his head and slowly waved his hands at you. “I don’t want anything from you. like I said I just wanted to…be honest with you. I wanted to clean up my mess. the guilt of letting you leave without a proper explanation ate away at me since we split.”

“well, do you think it’s clean now? And that the explanation just fixed everything?”

“no. I don’t think that.” he explained carefully. “but I thought it could be a start or that it could help—I wanted to try.”

“my love for you didn’t end the way our marriage did.” Higuruma’s eyes widened at that and your own rolled instinctively. “that’s the only reason I didn’t leave that house hating your guts even though I should’ve. because truly, I was so miserable towards the end. I cried so much, I wondered what went wrong all the time, and I even thought it was because of something I overlooked.”

you pointed towards Higuruma “I never stopped wondering why, so yes, it did help. but fix? words could never be enough, and I don’t even know what would. I suppose only time could heal the wounds you’ve left me with, ex-husband.”

his head drooped but he nodded, understanding. “my love for you will never end.”

you rubbed your lips together and blinked slowly, making sure to hold your eyes closed for a second longer.

“you say that words could never be enough, but if you let me, ill apologize as many times as I need to even if it does nothing. because I will never stop feeling sorry for the pain that I caused.” he exhaled. “if I could go back in time, I would do everything differently.”

“but you cant go back in time.” you sit up. “what’s done is done.”

“where do we go from here?” you ask exhaustedly.

 “we don’t have to go anywhere—we shouldn’t.” Higuruma’s eyes flickered between yours as if he was searching for something, before sitting up straighter. “however, its my own imprudent wish that we could walk out of here as strangers.”

“strangers?” you scoffed. “as in forget everything that happened and go our separate ways?”

“no.” Higuruma clarifies. “as in remember everything that happened and start over, as strangers. im not foolish enough to ask you to get back with me or be my friend or anything like that. I just couldn’t imagine a life without you…so I wanted to leave the door open to us—as anything, even strangers.”

you almost wanted to scoff again. but the sentiment is shared. for what its worth, its not like you wanted to leave him—you had to. and its not like you hate him enough to act as though he didn’t exist and carry on through life suppressing the memories that have shaped your life for the past couple of years.

it still makes you so angry when you think about what you went through, and your heart still aches when you remember the nights you used cry yourself to sleep. but all the good times hold candles to your darkest memories as if to remind you of what used to be—what could be again,

everything is held within you after all. You remember the odd phase you two had when you first became friends, not really speaking without anyone else there. his super extra way of asking you out and his super super extra way of asking you to be his wife. your wedding day. all your dates. all your shared memories—shared time.

its all there, and it hasn’t gone anywhere because, like a tattoo, it’s permanent no matter how faded. you can’t stand the fact that its true, but it is. you couldn’t imagine a life completely void of him and whether he’s present or not, you will never know one that way either.

You crossed then uncrossed your legs a few times, trying to keep them from bouncing again as you thought. Higuruma’s anticipatory eyes were shifting from you to the table on repeat and when you meet his gaze, he held your apprehensive stare.