Just My Thoughts

He’s still in my dreams; talking to me from another dimension… my head in the clouds and his ring on my finger keep a silver string of thought tied around my soul until the end of time.

I miss you, Carse. With every fiber of my being. I would go insane if you didn’t give me messages thru the expanse of the universe that divides us.

I tried to sojourn thru. The silence of the recent pause in time allowed me space to honor your memory. I am so grateful for the time we had and that I feel you on the other side of the veil in eternity.

“Love’s too weak to define just what you mean to me…”

Have you ever had a flashback so hard it took you right back to the dream you had the night before? No? Well I did. I woke up this morning with my right hand in my bra nestled under my ditties. As I entered consciousness, I heard my first husband yelling but it was faint like a whisper in my ear. He told me my dreams were real. That he could visit me in my dreams and he stayed with me all night in my subconscious. My hand was proof of the crossover cuz he was touching me in the dream. I physically echoed the movement in reality whilst dreaming. He led and left my hand in that position to show me the connection when I awoke. He told me he was here with me and with our Father as well. He told me that he can be everywhere at once and I have my own personal Super hero in the spirit world. My EddieBear is giving me messages from beyond, Interstellar style.

So later in the day… hours after wake up, I’m zoned out and listening to music when I have another hard flashback. This time, I see him in my bed, here in Hawaii. I saw him in this reality and immediately knew it was my dream. A place I created in my subconscious where I was sleeping in my bed in the in between. He joined me there. We literally slept together and I flashbacked like it was REAL!! And it felt real. I was taken back to the feeling of it being very real in my dream. Because it WAS.

My love, Eddie was my match in every way. We found each other in one another. We never had a chance to be husband and wife fully but we imagined every moment together. It isn’t hard for me at all to lay my reality into the fantasy we created all those years ago. He told me that he wanted to enter heaven with me and now it feels like he lingers at the gates for me. Watching and waiting for our reunion… the only thing that keeps me sane is the hope that this is all true.

In life, Eddie and I made a very hefty couple 😂 I like big Boys, what can I say? So together our combined weight tips 500lbs. The bed frame in my dream? Broke af. We broke it in the dream. We were laughing and joking about it. Like how do you do that in the spirit? We did though. I told Eddie that I needed a new mattress and bed frame. He agreed. I awoke knowing that God would provide and I would be privileged to lay in a brand new mattress to drift into the spirit world comfortably and quickly.

In life, my Eddie told me that he could control his dreams. He told me that all he had to do was think about what he wanted to dream about before he fell asleep. It was akin to tuning his frequency onto a certain channel. It’s not the first time I heard this theory, the second time it was uttered, it was my eldest son who told me the very same thing. I see both Eddie and My Sun as a kind of superhero. Able to manipulate their thoughts and subconscious into something very real in the conscious world. Both of them have convinced me that dreams are definitely real. Assata Shakur said “Dreams are real. It’s action that synthesizes them”. All of this existence is simply an experience that we are having to learn more about ourselves. All of this existence is simply an experience that we are having to learn more about ourselves. My first husband was never boastful about his superpowers. He simply told me that I could do the same. In his dreams, he could fly. In the end when he became a double amputee, in his dreams, he was whole. In my dreams, he is whole and intact and the way that I remember him. That is the way that he shall forever be to me.

There was no veil in my dream last night. We were side-by-side in this dimension and the next. Eddie waits by the door for me until it’s my time to pass through, and that thought is what keeps me at peace in the love of God.

“All of them,” he replied.

Music is our love language

Widow’s Plea

Went from an A

To a B

Always moving unilaterally

Forever circles back to me

He and I

Were written in the sky 🌌

He gave me that kiss of life

Completely eternal

Shedding mortal coil and toil

Doesn’t tear love asunder

I never sit back and wonder

What it should have been

Cuz He let me into every thought

Of what always could have been

Immersed in his fantasy

All our dreams came real

Manifesting destiny

Totally Ele-MENTAL

All that’s left of us

Is left in the cosmic dust

Of memory and I know he sees

God in heaven

In the place

Prepped for us

‘Save me a seat

Right next to you!’

Cuz in this life

We didn’t really get it to do

My heart, my heart

Stay missin you

Missin you

Missin you

He took the peace of me that others threw away

Love roots deep grow eternally planted firmly forever stays

Why didn’t I see all along?

Heart cry out for his song!

After all these years, it’s been you

It’s been you

It’s been you

It’s been you

Can’t believe I didn’t see

Can’t accept it’s too late

Can’t set your soul free

We got plans to make

God! You must have made a mistake

Run that back, do that play again

I missed my lines, lost the script

We didn’t get a chance to begin

Call Superman, put him in the mix

Tell him we need him to do that thing

Where he turns time backwards as he flies in the wind

I was taught with God all things are possible,

Why does it make his parting unstoppable?

I wish for a miracles to rain down once more

Just like the times in the Bible from before….

Or is it just lore?

Must I accept this as the consequence of sin?

Missing the mark, target swayed as my soul wails within?

I thought your blood paid for that sin

And all the ones without

My mind won’t plunge in fear, despair and doubt

I just wanna bend your ear God, I want you to send my love back

I promise this time to make up for what I lacked

I need him Lord, to continue the work for you.

If you can’t give him back, gimme the strength to carry thru

Hurriedly scribbling on my page

Leaping and bounding thru every stage

To endure to that end where I feel him standing

I need to get there to stand hold in handing

Not like I’m in a hurry or a rush

I just know when enough is enough

And with my Love gone from this world

I know another love like that will never be unfurled

So please forgive as I follow my heart

To the ends of the universe and unto the dark…

I’m pleading with my entire soul, send him back if you can…

So, I’m a widow.

You know that part of the wedding vows where the promises of the covenant say ‘for the rest of my life’? Turns out I promised for my life, not my husband’s. So when he died, I still carry the bond of covenant to the grave. That bond is love.

Memories constantly replay in my mind of every conversation, every song he sang, everything he did… I’m flooded with it all.

My first husband, the first bond before God, was not torn asunder no matter what we did. No divorce, decree or time stood between the bond we forged all those years ago. It developed in parallel and we never figured out how to merge our timelines back together. We continued to commune yoked in spirit as we painted pictures of a future we would never see and immersed ourselves in the vibration of love. That love was rooted in God and flowed between us naturally. We couldn’t help but to get along and ultimately could not synch up to work together to build a future. We never blamed each other for it and I know we both figured we had time….

Although my soul cries out after his in lament of chances lost, I am comforted by knowing the work he did on Earth stored his treasures up in heaven. I am comforted by hearing his voice sing into my soul that there is a God and he is alive. My Love is alive thru Christ in that place prepared for us. His passing makes me feel and know it’s true. The Bible is God’s Holy word and there are no lies in it. I don’t care which translation that’s used when it’s written on my heart. God is showering me with love and comfort that I will be reunited with my love again… all of the love that has passed will be seen again, felt again and loved again. Over and over because love is Eternal. It doesn’t just stop because we give up our mortal coil. It lives on in your entire being and in the bonds you forge with others. I feel him in the wind, i see him in the sky and sea, he’s in the stars and in my dreams. This year marks a 23 year covenant between us that I now carry with me until my death. We are bonded here and beyond. I now see the relationship in its entirety and it’s bittersweet. Knowing my EddieBear made it to heaven a good and faithful servant makes me rejoice at his homegoing. No more pain, tears or disappointments. Our love remains eternal. Eddie, Save me a spot! Post up at the gates for me and bend God’s ear about me! See you in the blink of an eye, Love 💕

I never wanted to be a single mom but here I am. Even tho things went down the way they did, I still miss him.

If I could rewind time, I would go back to the days where your heart was mine…

4/22/2025

BamBam❤️

So here we are, on our 3rd anniversary.

Last year, I was consumed with grief and sorrow because you weren’t even alive to celebrate our second.

Of course I miss you! Of course I want you around to hear me say Happy anniversary. However, I have to be OK with the fact that we are celebrating on different sides of the veil today. The only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that you haunt me daily. 😂🥰

Can I say I feel more love in your death than I do in life? It feels like you have a newfound freedom where you can be everywhere I am and more some. I’m not so selfish to think that you’re just with me but today I felt your presence with me so strong.

Before you died, I have very vivid memories of us being together all those early Hawaiian mornings. 700 to be exact. You would stare up at the clouds, touching the peaks of the mountains and almost run us off the road daily. I would shake my head at you as you would say, “the volcanos are active today”. I would roll my eyes and warn you that even though you were OK with dying, I wasn’t, so be careful. I looked at it as if I wanted to enjoy way more memories with you than we already had. I was being greedy and I didn’t tell you what I really felt, which was the only way that I wanted to go into the next life was by your side.

Today, April 22, 2025, Kilauea erupted hundreds of feet into the air as a celebration of our love together. So today, the volcano really is active, mi amor 🥰Everything this year seemed to converge into one moment in time. Easter, solstice, Greek Easter, 4/20, Earth day, the Pope died, Merrie monarch, our anniversary, the day I laid you to rest and now, Pele’s final resting place erupted? It’s like the earth is doing a recap before it all fizzles out.. and time goes by relatively fast so I feel I will see you in a blink of an eye, my Love.

Right after you passed away, I would wish that I could rewind time, Superman style and go back to every moment with you. To let you know how deeply in love I was with you. How happy that I was to finally be your wife. I was deeply humbled to ultimately be the one that you chose to live and die with. I will never forget the words you said in your wedding vows to me. You told me that I was your first and I would be your last. I was and always will be the Pebbles to your Bam Bam. There will never be another love in my life as big and deeply rooted as yours. I carry on your memories and your legacy simply because it’s the only thing left for me to do. Espérame, mi amor. Save me a spot right next to you and until then, I’m overjoyed to continue celebrating you and the life of memories we shared.

Para Siempre,

Pebbles 🪨🥰

His love transformed my soft Amber into strong Pebbles.

The loss of a husband though? A lifelong partner that CHOSE to be more than a brother to you? A best friend and partner? Father of your children? That’s a whole- nother level! The word “missing him” doesn’t even begin to touch the loss…. A piece of me died and can never be replaced…. Just as my brother but the wound is way deeper… and for the rest of my life, I will never be the same.

I love you, Carse. For the rest of my life, I will love you. Thank you for always being there for me and continuing to watch over me in spirit. My ‘twelve monkeys’ is writing this on my wall of thought. I hope it leaves a digital footprint that traces right to you. Im still so very crazy for you, head over heels in love. No one can ever touch the part of me you had. When it’s my time, I hope you save me a spot in heaven, right next to you! 🥰

Rest in eternal peace, my Love

No one will ever fill the shoes I created for you….

My first and last Valentine 💌 💝 Carse Lucas Debnam (April 3, 1976 - March 23, 2024)

Carse Lucas Debnam (April 3, 1976 - March 23, 2024)

Year One: Carse Lucas Debnam (04/03/1976-03/23/2024)

My late husband

Carse Lucas Debnam was born April 3, 1976 at Albert Einstein Hospital in Philadelphia, PA. He grew up on Old York Road in the Logan section of the city and attended Timothy Academy Christian School. After he successfully completed the 8th grade, he went on to graduate from Christopher Dock Mennonite High School located in Landsdale, PA in 1994. Two years before graduation, Carse took the initiative to take on a part time job where his incredibly strong work ethic awarded him a Full-time position before his 18th birthday. He chose for his first job to work with his neighborhood friend, Kevin, who Carse looked to as more of a big brother. Kevin helped Carse to get hired at the same place he worked, AMC Orleans 8 in Northeast Philadelphia near Cottman and Bustleton. Since he was a HUGE movie buff, this was the perfect job for him. While growing up, one of Carse’s favorite pastimes was to play video games. Fun fact about him: he owned every gaming system starting with Nintendo, Super NES, Gameboy and PlayStation 1 thru 5: True Story. He played video games until the very end. Back when he was younger, while he worked endlessly at one job, he was always planning for bigger things, so he decided to take on another job at Wawa where his part-time hours quickly became full time once again. Do you believe that he even found the time to take some business courses at CCP? He was trying his hand in learning how to become an accountant. After attending for a few semesters, he decided against it and continued working tirelessly from shift to shift on TWO JOBS for a few years with a work/sleep/repeat pattern until 1998. That year, he entered the United States Army as an E1 Private and completed basic training at Fort Knox in Kentucky. There he trained to become an Army Tanker. He served for 6 full years of service and was part of the Stop Loss draft in 2002 when he was originally supposed to be released from duty. He served at Fort Hood, Korea and completed two deployments in Iraq for OIF/OEF. He received various awards and made the rank of E5 Sergeant. He served his country proudly and loved driving and maintaining his tank nicknamed “Dead Broke”. For years after he received his Honorable Discharge, he regretted leaving the Service being just shy of E6 rank and seriously considered reentering the Army but opted to use his Montgomery GI bill to pay for Trucking School to become a CDL (licensed) Truck driver. In 2008, debt free, he began a job at Delaware Valley Shippers which was later acquired by Combined Express(CXI). He worked tirelessly for 15 years until 2022 when he answered the call of a childhood friend in need. Carse packed up his life in Philadelphia, PA and moved to Hawaii to marry his childhood sweetheart and became the head of their blended family. He quickly landed a job at Honolulu Freight Company/Xpress Trucking and continued his strong work ethic up until the last day of his life. On March 22, 2024, Carse Lucas Debnam passed away as a result of hypertensive cardiovascular disease of natural causes. He was 47 years old. Carse was four months shy of meeting his first born daughter, Carma-Mae and his niece, Arrow who were due weeks apart. Carse is survived by his mother Darlena Mae, his Grandfather, Carse for whom he is named, his Grandmother, Addie Mae, his sister Adeana Mae, his brother LeVie, his wife, Amber Faye, his daughter, stepsons, nieces, nephews, a host of Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, coworkers, battle buddies and friends.

I did it, Love… I told your story from my eyes… you will remain forever in my heart.. meet you on the other side 😇

🙏🏾❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

I always thought it was a shame that my late husband never got an obituary at his funeral. I further regret that the celebration of life that I thoughtfully planned for him wasn’t participated in by his family. It felt as if my presence in his life wasn’t honored. If they celebrated his life back on his home soil, I wasn’t a part of it. There were no announcements on any social media. Maybe they will have a party for him next year on his birthday and toast his name. Perhaps that will help them in the years to come in healing from their loss. I can only hope they will write a proper obituary, collect the pictures to do a tribute and mourn him the way they need to.

I know they say, til death do us part. But I used to tell him, you promised to love me for the rest of your life, not mine. So now, I eat my words as I carry the love I have had for him his entire life for the rest of mine.

His remains stay with me until we are rejoined in the next life. Buried together until the <world> ; <end program>

He was my End-of-Life partner and his ended before mine. I need to stand up and tell the story! Even if it’s from my own skewed perspective. Out of the nothing in our lives programming we were everything together. He left my life better than it was before he got here. I must honor him and tell his story.

So that is the reason for the next post.

The vase you left behind

Memories of you

Keep me locked into time…