just a creature

《 Jasper ☆ he/him ☆ 18 》

Disabled, autistic, mentally ill.

Queer To The Core — gay genderqueer transmasc.

In mental health recovery.

Fat, white Irish, and Punk.

Interests: queerness, psychology, Halloween, space, rocks, sharks, music, mythology.

Hobbies: reading (mostly graphic novels and webtoons), collecting things, art.

Fav Medias/Fandoms: HTTYD, Sonic, Godzilla (especially Legendary Studios version of the Monsterverse), Spiderman.

Link to my carrd.

My name and legal gender are officially changed and I'm on a waitlist for gender affirming care (4+ years unfortunately).

I have a mass in my liver and the place we went to for a private MRI couldn't even find my vein to inject the contrast dye. I randomly had high activity in my thyroid for a bit and then it stabilised 😭. I have slight hypertension and tachycardia but the Cardiologist just told me to drink more water lol (he did order an ECG tho).

I only go into school Monday-Thursday and have decided to stay an extra year at school since I was stressed about having to try to finish by the end of may (there was an issue with a teacher and everyone in my year lost all of their work done for a specific course and now had to complete that course in one year or we would all fail).

I've made some genuine friends at school this year. Such a huge thing for me since I haven't had actual friends irl for so long it's genuinely been years. Always denied needing friends and said I was happy alone. Turns out I never had true friends.

I take medication for my anxiety and depression and it's genuinely gotten so much better. I've become noticeably less depressed and anxious.

I'm not in therapy anymore. And the last time I was, there was a massive incident that caused me to relapse and ruin all my hard efforts and now I'm honestly scared to go back even though sometimes I feel like I need to.

I don't have meltdowns or mental breakdowns as much, though I do still have shutdowns randomly (honestly hard to tell with shutdowns since my mind goes blank and I stop thinking).

I'm able to make a slightly larger variety of food for myself now. It's a very very slow journey for me, getting comfortable and used to making foods. I need to be explicitly shown, instructed, and told to the first many times before it finally fully registers itself in my brain as something I can make on my own.

I passed my Driver's theory test and have my provisional license. I might start driving lessons in July.

I've joined a D&D group in my town that usually meets up every other week. And I recently started electric guitar lessons every Friday.

All in all, I'm doing much better than I was before and I'm happier too. Still not perfect and there is so much I still want to change. I don't yet have the motivation, discipline, mindset, whatever it is I need to have, to be able to work on my body and it kinda kills me inside, but maybe some day.

Wild how I used to think I wouldn't last this long. But now I'm here, out to my family and school, diagnosed autistic, just being myself.

Got my first ever birthday card from my parents calling me their son and using my preferred name. Now that I'm 18 I can apply to have my legal name and gender changed, as well as get on the waitlist for T.

I asked the Resource Person to tell the other students and teachers for me since I wouldn't have been able to handle the stress.

I always knew I liked women but I never found myself having sexual, romantic, or really any other attraction towards them besides aesthetic attraction. Until now at least.

My mental health is getting better slowly. I'm on the long thorny path of recovering from chronic depression. And now that I have better access to my emotions I'm suddenly attracted to someone for the first time in my life and I'm nearly an adult!!

It feels like my life is being flipped upside down honestly. It's weird. Not necessarily bad though.

But now I'm not sure how to identify. I know I can use whatever terms and labels I want. I've identified as and with aspec for so many years. I'm sort of attached to it now but it doesn't feel the same. I definitely don't identify as fully allo but fully aspec doesn't click anymore. Greyspec feels the most accurate but even then I'm still not sure.

I'm slowly getting better. After leaving school and starting at an alternative education center, I'm feeling less shitty constantly. I'm finally able to actually start recovering from the almost decade-long depression I've been suffering with.

Of course, my mental health still isn't the best, but still. And I have a friend again! It's been so long since I've had someone I could confidently say I'm friends with.