V.Jay

Been a while since I have posted. This December was hard for me, usually I shut down and refuse to interact with anyone and drown myself in unhealthy distractions. This year, I worked all of December without taking mental health days, I forced myself to hang out with friends every single weekend, I went to a wedding with a date, I have even tried to reach out to give my ex more chances with our son. And I thought I was good. But I still just feel off.

Maybe its the stress thinking about getting an apartment of my own in 6 months. Or how while Im driving good im still holding myself back from just scheduling an appointment and getting my license. Or how hectic home is and I just constantly want to escape on the weekends to my friends and avoid responsibilities. Or how my son is asking about his dad on a regular basis and I try to avoid ever speaking his name or saying the words “dad” because I have no clue when he will show up or not. Or how now that he is unemployed there is a good chance he will disapear to Arizona again for months. Or how my bio mom is getting heart surgery as well as a complete thyroid removal. Or how the guy I like is nice and loves my son but has no ambition what so ever to do more with life. Or how if I want to be able to afford getting a house I have to do teacher training next fall which is a brutal program that will take up so much mental energy and time away from my son. Or how my son is a single child and will most likely always be one as my expectations for a future partner will be high to meet my needs as well as my sons, as any guy who enters his life will not just be my boyfriend but his father figure. Or how my son has started school at my work and while he is doing amazing so far and everyone is impressed with how smart and polite he is I know how he does is a reflection on my parenting. Or how its getting really hard for me to loose weight and stay consistent with becoming healthy again physically.

Found this funny 😂

Its strange, I have a guy I like. We talk daily and I care about him. I have no interest in other men what so ever.

But I dont want to date him or become “official”. I feel like if all we ever did was talk and see eachother 1-2 times a month and cuddle when we get the chance I would be good for life 🤷🏼‍♀️

Self love is the toughest thing I have had to learn throughout my life. I have friends and family who give me love and support, but that doesnt change the mantra my brain tells me on bad days.

“Whats wrong with me?”

“No one would want to be friends with me”

“I’m too stubborn for a man to respect”

“I’m going to fail and ruin my job and my son and my family”

I look my chubby faced, crazy haired self in the mirror every day and tell myself this:

“I am beautiful”

“I mess up sometimes but I also take the time to fix my mistakes and learn from it”

“I am worthy of a partner, and in time I will be ready for one”

“I am strong and can get through these hard times too”

So many people dont understand this concept. When I say I am happily single, my coworkers laugh “Oh that never lasts long!” Am I talking to someone? Yeah, but am I trying to start a relationship? No not really. We’ve been talking on a daily basis since the end of July, about 4 months. But that doesnt mean we have to rush. Rush is all I used to do and it never worked.

I have been in 4 relationships. The first was with a girl named Katherine, who I nicknamed Kitty. We dated for about a month and she said I love you first on the second date.

The second was with a good friend of mine, my best friend in highschool. I dated him because everyone told me I should and he said I love you even before we were dating. That relationship lasted 2 months.

The third was also in highschool, a peer of mine and we trauma bonded over our depression. He said I love you first after 2 weeks and that relationship lasted 7 months.

The fourth and last was my ex who I had a child with. After 3 weeks of dating, he said I love you first. That relationship lasted 1 year.

I have never said I love you first. And when the other person said it, I felt as if it was an obligation to say it back. While some relationships were healthier then others, I never truly felt those butterflies of being in love. I was worried about my parents finding out, stressed that I wasnt good enough, or so depressed that I felt as if the only way I could do anything right in a relationship was the physical aspect.

Never again do I want to feel obligated to respond to an “I love you” before I’m ready. And never again do I want to rush into the emotions and title of “boyfriend/girlfriend” before I’m ready.

This has been my journey with food abd health the last few months. I was doing so good and then after an incident at home with my brother, I unraveled. Bought candy, chips, and soda on my lunch break. And after I ate it, I didnt feel better. My tongue ached from the salt/sugars, my stomach hurt from the sheer amount, I started to get headaches again, and most of all I just felt crappy mentally.