Sam

Welcome, angels 🪽

(Minors/terfs DNI)

My name is Luna and i am 22 now, I use she/her pronouns. This blog is mainly a mix of journalling, music recommendations, and trying to make friends or support others with recovery. I’m on the spectrum and have bpd so human interaction and relationships can be hard <3 I love talking to people but sometimes i get burnt out and my emotional regulation sucks. I love getting asks and messages though! I really care about my friends and always try to help however I can. I am not necessarily in active recovery but working a harm reduction regimen. I am transgender and asexual so if thats a problem please kindly fuck off.

Thank you so so so much sweet angel 🥹🥹 so are you!!!! I love you Skyyy

Not only am i gaslighting myself with “maybe this isn’t really who i am because its not how i was born” but he said the exact same shit to me. After i said I have been struggling with gender dysphoria and my identity is female and i am going to transition he says “How. And why.” 😪

”God made you a certain way” so what. “You’re sad because you’re not a girl??” “so you want to die. Because you’re not a woman?? I don’t think thats your real problem.” “Yeah your depression does not come from feeling girly” “your life is already very fucking difficult and you seriously want to add this to it to make it a fuck of a lot more difficult?” “Stop being immature take those headphones out” “idk what you expect me to say! Do you want me to clap? Do you want an award? You’re just going to make life so much harder for yourself.” “You are not female, you were born male” “

It’s honestly just silly that I’m expected to take it seriously. I really am sorry that your life is so upsetting that you need to feel better about yourself by putting others down. I hope you find the inner peace you so desperately need!! (And not even misspelling but using the entirely wrong word? Come on now. Anonymous, grammatically incorrect, random attack on my identity and you didn’t even spell check? I’m sensitive but not THAT sensitive) Thanks for the laugh babe 😘

Also. My identity isnt a fucking kink. I’m asexual, zero part of my transition is related to trying to please ANYONE other than myself. I’m not an object. I am disabled and i am fragile and sensitive but NOT an object and deserve respect. Don’t message me asking for a slave. My low self esteem is not an invitation to be dehumanized.

Also, to whatever ignorant bigots that may stumble across this, transgenderism isnt a choice. Gender dysphoria is a real mental disorder and so many people die from it because the world is so hateful. I, along with many, many other people suffering from dysphoria, am chronically $uicidal and struggle on a daily basis to continue on. The CHOICE isn’t “oh i just woke up feeling kinky to be a woman, lets transition!” Its an long term or life time, deeply depressing, identity crisis, struggle to accept yourself knowing you are in the wrong body. The choice is to not fucking off yourself and to be BRAVE and decide that you deserve a future as the gender you truly are!! The concept of “transgenderism is a choice” in transphobia and bigotry is a misguided and hateful assumption. We can’t live life suffering from dysphoria forever and it takes a great deal of strength to even live and function, dealing with the indescribable dysphoria.

Thank you for being kind to me, I appreciate you a lot Luna.

Alex

This makes me very very upset. I understand protecting your mental health but I ALSO want to protect you and support you so deeply. You are one of my best friends….. i want want to lose you

That voice in your head telling you that you are not worth peoples time is a fucking insensitive liar and i am so upset she keeps being so mean to you. You are so, so much braver than you know. You are so strong and toxic ASSHOLES existing will NEVER determine your worth.

I only didnt respond to the other ask because I didn’t know if you wanted me to answer publicly or not I figured I would wait to see if you reached out. I sent you friend requests on Roblox. Please, please stay in contact. Im not going to be safe if anything happens to you because you were harassed by fucking ANONYMOUS FUCKING LOSER FUCKS. I need you to be supported and loved in this extremely overwhelming time.

I don’t think people really understand how severe borderline personality disorder is in everyday life. It makes day to day functioning extremely difficult, and emotional regulation/relationship management feel next to impossible. It comes with a very deep intense fear of abandonment and a desperation to try and stop that abandonment. Different symptoms manifest differently for people but it’s never easy. This isn’t an ableism post to offend people who are undiagnosed; this is because it impacts so many people and understanding the illness is important for everyone. Trigger warning for statistics involving suicide.

I have been planning on starting estradiol for a while now but have been in the closet for so, so long out of being raised in a military, catholic, republican family. I planned on just starting it and waiting until I need a bra and its not really possible to hide anymore to tell people (i’ve told my closest friends and mom and brother who have all been supportive) but I’m also beyond terrified. I’ve been advised to start with non permanent changes like hairstyle, clothing, accessories. I don’t know if theres any right way to go about this; everyone kind of just sees me as a twink right now so i don’t know if it’d come as a HUGE surprise to most when I transition but it’d just a lot of anxiety regardless. I feel like either way i am going to feel very dysphoric and like a guy just playing dress up whether i start making changes pre estradiol or post.

I think this is a common anxiety but I view myself as extremely femme and voice 100% isnt there idk if it ever will be but most importantly i don’t know if i will reach the feminization i’m after. I don’t want to get stuck in androgyny or be in between, i have zero doubts i want to be a princess, but have anxiety that i will ever reach actually “passing” or not look like a guy forever. And why is it such a gamble? “These changes are permanent and irreversible for the most part but who knows what will happen; that’s your own journey” Its deeply saddening to me that “passing” seems to be the goal and some people don’t even feel like they achieve that. I am so scared about the uncertainty or whether i’ll look feminine enough to actually pass in a few years or if i’ll be obviously still masculine and about having a masculine voice while looking however feminine.

Dealing wirh wanting to kms from dysphoria vs anxiety about feeling like id kms if i dont like the way i look and still have to deal with lack of societal acceptance without even achieving inner self acceptance has me in a depressive chokehold. Life has been extremely hard to function. I have really been struggling to make it to work, not get fired, and stay safe.

I would have panic attacks when I was with her about how one day I wanna marry her but that’s never going to work out and how I would have to go home and be alone soon enough; and when I was home I was miserable and depressed because I wasn’t with her. I wasn’t happy either way ultimately because my happiness entirely depended on her and when her mood dictated my mood. When we had to take a break because I was too depressed and her mama wanted her to have some space I was not physically safe. When the relationship, whatever it was, ended, I was definitely not safe and ended up getting hospitalized after a spiral and bender.

I’m definitely in no mental space for a relationship or stable enough for one but I am also so lonely. I feel like such a piece of shit when i feel jealousy over others in a normal, stable relationship and being genuinely happy because that just doesn’t seem like a possibility for me. Nobodies really leaping at the opportunity to be with an extremely mentally ill transfem addict.

It’s a very hard thing to mentally navigate (i need yearrs of therapy is the obvious “answer”) because I am also disabled and struggle to be independent and don’t really know how to take care of myself. Subconsciously I’m just looking to recreate the feeling of a mothers love and being taken care of. It’s not a kink thing; it’s psychological conditioning as a response to trauma and part of how i am impacted by my disabilities. Regression to me is NOT a kink thing it is psychologically ingrained as a way of returning to safety and managing ptsd and an overwhelming fear of the world and abandonment and being able to simply cope with life. I didnt choose to struggle with it and i don’t like getting scared and feeling like a child either. Being normal would be better than anything.

Where it gets extra complicated though is that I have zero self worth or confidence and extreme jealousy issues. I don’t just want to be taken care of, I need constant reassurance that the relationship is safe and I’m not going to be left behind. I have paranoia and delusions that I will be abandoned (due to it always happening) that manifest as a self fulfilling prophecy where I actually am left because of my insecurity and need for constant validation. It creates a toxicity with my BPD in the relationship; I grow entirely 100% dependent on the other person and would be physically and mentally unsafe if anything happened in the relationship. Not as a manipulative tactic; as a genuine “my mental state is not well, you are my world, and i dont see a world without you in it.” Way of thinking. With bpd and autism i feel emotions extremely deeply and relationships are enormous to me, them ending can be extremely life threatening.