Cherry

I think I am finally free. I had to make a dramatic exit, but some of those things were truthful. My peace was interrupted and now I have more to heal from mentally and physically. I was a foolish lover girl for not leaving the first time he put his hands on me and showing me his true colors. I believed he could change because he said he would, but he didn't find me worth it enough. He was a man child, I'm 19 almost 20 while he was 26 for most of it and recently turned 27. The person who abused me, used me, then decided I wasn't worth any of it. Was willing to hurt me but not make things right or fix his mistakes. I was able to try but for him I was an inconvenience. I got mental and physical scars, my items destroyed and more. I don't love him. Betrayal, lies, and abandonment just hurts.

God do I have some growing up to do.

I knew all of the signs, I recognized the patterns, I saw what was happening and yet I stayed. I have hope that he actually loves me dearly, that he'll change for me, but then I'd get reminded or intrusive and thoughts telling me that I'm just another woman with a pussy for him. I'm not perfect and probably not worth the world to him. That he actually prefers older women or others in general, and not ones with a heart as big as mine that comes with big emotions and they'll only get me hurt. That he prefers to follow and be friends with a bunch of other women and mainly becomes friends with those he finds attractive. That even when I'm in his bed he'll still find time to jerk off to other women. I'm put in survival mode more than I am into being soft and being soft is more me. Why did I stay? Why did I cry, plead and beg? What do I mean to him?

What does it take for someone to love you wholeheartedly? Not just when it's convenient for them.

I struggle so bad mentally sometimes. I thought I was so much stronger, better. All of this just made history repeat itself and even though I was more aware this time, I still didn't fully leave. I listened to my heart instead.

When I'm not in my luteal/menstruation phase of my cycle. Life is worth living again and I love myself.

It's insane how someone who hurt you and you stayed throughout that hurt will leave you. It can hurt even more once you notice that they didn't leave because they finally understood that they hurt you.

I wanna be cuddled while me and my partner watch disney movies. 🫶🏽💕

You would think a woman people call kind, smart, intelligent, and all kinds of good things would know to follow her instincts or trust her gut no matter what. Yet I struggle.

How to make the fact that you've been mentally and physically abused click? My neck is throbbing and I can still feel the force and the moment I could no longer breathe. My eyes hurting and tired from the crying, voice is hoarse, head pounding...yet he rests high as hell on my thigh. I gave him head and had sex with him 2-3 hours before even though I was hurting from the last session. He said some words when the issues started. I was an ugly bitch, and so much more that I can't fully remember.

I need more chronically online friends.

Words can eventually get to me. The things you say are lies can feel more true than the things you say you truly mean. I reached a breaking point as you continued to speak, call me names, and lie. I step in front of you and your hand touches me roughly. I hit your arm as hard as I can. Pent up emotions, exhaustion and pain from the hurtful things you say and do. You get even more angry, you storm towards me and grab me by my neck as hard as you can and push me onto your bed yelling words to me I can't recall. You try to reassure me that the things you said were false, you apologize, but I'm in my head for hours and I continue to cry. Maybe I'm just too young for you, and both of our emotions are too much for the other.