Cooking Up a Blackhole

Charcuterie of Man

BLT

Universe Ice Cream

Moloko Plus Cheese

If you want to make it at home. It’s less expensive and still packs a punch! 

Elements:

2 gallons whole cow milk

½ tsp. MM100 Mesophilic Starter Culture

½ tsp. liquid rennet

Cheese salt or other non-iodized salt

A tablespoon of each: 

amobarbital (Amytal)

butabarbital (Butisol)

pentobarbital (Nembutal)

secobarbital (Seconal)

belladonna

butalbital

acetaminophen

caffeine 

CONCOCT!

Heat milk over low heat to 70°F.

Turn off the heat. Sprinkle the starter over the surface of the milk, and allow it to rehydrate for 5 minutes. Stir in with a whisk, using up-and-down motions, for 1 minute. Cover and maintain the temperature at 70°F for 45 minutes to allow the milk to ripen.

Turn the heat back on and raise the temperature slowly to 86°F. After the milk has reached this temperature, add the diluted rennet by pouring it through a slotted spoon into the milk. Add in the drugs. Then stir it in for about 1 minute, using an up-and-down motion.

Cover the pot and let it sit undisturbed, for 35-40 minutes, or until you have achieved a clean break between curds and whey.

Maintain the temperature of the milk at 86°F. Cut the curds into ½-inch pieces; stir them for 10 minutes, then let them rest for 5 minutes, covered.

Ladle out about ⅓ of the whey in the pot, then add 3 cups of hot (130°F)water. When the temperature in the pot reaches 92-94°F, add 3 more cups of hot water. Stir 5 minutes, then add 2 more cups of hot water.

Add salt and stir it into the curds and whey. Keep adding water that is 130°Fas needed to maintain the curds and whey at a temperature of around 97°F. Constantly stir the curds until they begin to feel a bit springy when gently squeezed. This should take about 20 minutes.

Ladle off enough of the whey to expose the curds.

Using damp butter muslin, line a clean, 8-inch tomme mold and place it on a draining rack. Gently scoop the warm curds out of the pot with your hands or a cheese spoon into the lined mold. Press curds into the mold gently with the back of your hand. Pull out any wrinkles in the butter muslin, and fold the tails of the cloth over the top of the curds. Place the follower on top of the covered curds, and press the cheese at 8 pounds of pressure for 30 minutes.

Take the cheese out of the mold, peel away the butter muslin, flip the cheese over, and re-dress with the muslin. Place it back into the mold and press again at 8 pounds for 30 more minutes. Repeat this process for about 3-4 hours or until all the excess whey has been expelled. When pressing is complete, leave cheese in the mold without any pressure, out on the kitchen counter for about 3 more hours.

Place the cheese in the refrigerator and leave it there overnight. 

It’s difficult nowadays to find good soylent green, but with this recipe, you won’t ever have to search the stores again. 

Ingredients

6 large eggs

1 stick butter

1 human

Green food dye

1 cup confectioners sugar

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

1 1/4 cups all purpose flour

2 cups melted chocolate

1 cup brown sugar

How to make the wafer

Talk to the butter for 20 minutes and make sure that it knows that it’s butter.

Cream egg yolks with confectioners sugar until light. Stir in clarified butter and vanilla. Add flour and beat vigorously until thick but pourable. If too thick, dilute with a little half-and-half.

Just before baking, whip egg whites and fold into batter. Place wafer iron over gas or electric burner on medium heat, brush with butter and spoon in just enough batter to cover the surface. Close lid and cook 1 1/2 minutes. Flip and cook another 1 1/2 minutes. Remove to a platter to cool. Repeat with remaining batter.

How to make the Filling

Grind up the human

Add in a butt ton of food dye

Stir in melted chocolate and brown sugar

Now to make them edible 

When wafers are completely cool, spread one plain side of a wafer with  filling and top with another wafer, plain side down, to make a sandwich cookie. They can be dusted with confectioners' sugar just before serving.

A spin on one of the dishes in the famous To Serve Man cookbook for humans. Paired best with a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

Items Needed

1 pound of Man (tendrils. walking sticks, and entrails work for this recipe)

Starbix (Melba Toast can be substituted) 

Soylent Green (see this recipe) 

Bantha Blue Cheese (or Thala-Sirens Green if you want to be fancy) 

Moloko Plus Cheese (can be purchased at your local Korova Milk Bar. Recipe also found here.) 

Hasperats

Guglesmorps

Barkonian Clevents

Olives

How to make it:

Select the proper cut of man. I find the tendril bits to be best suited to today’s application, as they tend to pack the most flavor. It’s true that the tendril bits can be a bit chewy, but grinding will eliminate that concern. The entrails, the so-called tongue, and the transportation sticks are also great options. Any of these would have worked equally well in this application.

Place the bits into the grinder

Place the ground man meat into a curer. 

Arrange the rest of the board in this order: 

Starbix, which will provide that much-needed “crunchy” factor that man lacks.

Just a touch of Soylent Green, which is an excellent means of imbuing even more “man” flavor into the dish.

Moloko Plus Cheese

A smidgen of Bantha Blue cheese to add a bit of color. Now, by all means, feel free to use Thala-Sirens Green if you can get it. I’ve used Bantha Blue here, because most of you will already have some at home.

The curing process should be complete by now, so take that out and slice it.

At this point you should taste a slice and then throw in some Hasperats to balance out any aftertaste of ignorance or entitlement you might find.

Sprinkle on Guglesmorps and barkonian clevents to taste

Garnish with a few olives.

We all have bad mornings where we just can’t bring ourselves to get up. Well, all you really need is a little boost to get ya going. 

Ingredients: 

1 banana (with shell)

3 cups of blueberries

1 cup of raspberries

5mg of Lysergic acid diethylamide 

1 Orange

2 Apples

2 cups of Spinach

How to make the abomination

Get a blender. 

Throw everything in the blender

Push the on button

Blend the sanity out of that thing

Pour into a cup

Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato.  Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato. Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato. Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato. It gets boring after a while. So here’s how to put a cool new twist on an age old classic. 

Stuff you need

1 human named Blake

1 human named Lauren

1 human named Taylor

2 pieces of bread

A shit ton of bacon. Like as much is possible. 

How to put stuff together so it tastes good. 

Toast the bread

Cook the bacon

Season the humans

Put down a piece of toast

Stack everything but the other piece of toast on it

Put the other piece of toast on it

Eat

Sometimes normal Earth ice cream just isn’t enough. Sometimes you want to eat a whole solar system’s worth of ice cream like the pig you are. I’m not here to judge. Just here to make your wildest dreams and nightmares possible.

What you’ll need:

1 solar system

1 ice cream cone

How to make the damn thing:

Throw all of the planets into empty space away from their sun

Wait a thousand years or so

Stack them on the ice cream cone