M is "learning how to decay gracefully"

i have been thinking of getting it for years, since the end of 2022. i don't share much about this usually, but as i openly state in my bio, i used to be a full service sex worker. i can't lie and say that it was all bad, because good came from it too. in any case, it was a difficult situation for me, i started when i was only 18 when i was groomed into it--and then i kept going back for years. it was addicting; i felt like it was the only part of my life i had actual control over, and my brain found confort in the pain and the drugs and the sex. this isn't news--it's a common story for many people in the same sitaution, or anyone with a history of addiction.

of course, this is not the case for every sex worker, and no one should be made feel like their reasons for getting into swork aren't valid (everyone's a slave under capitalism oldest profession just another job yadda yadda--we are not talking about politics here, and i am NOT saying sex work and sex trafficking are the same thing. always strive for full decrim. if anyone wants to actually discuss sex work and sex trafficking and the politics of exploitation, ask me about the dissertation i wrote in university about it while being actively involved. but i digress).

anyways. the very last day that i worked shit happened. i was very scared and paranoid and just at what i thought was rock bottom back then (ha! if only i knew what was coming lmao). i was in the train going back home, it was sunrise, and i was hungover and exhausted, and then this song came on in shuffle.

i had listeneted to it before, but that time i really heard the lyrics, and paid attention to them. i decided that that was it--that was the last time going back to it and to him. i really promised myself to take control over this part of my life. i understood that the knife will always be there (be it trauma or addiction or capitalism or just the challenges we face in life), but i could face it and take it and push through.

i was able to get out of that life, and even though during the following years i have had many chances and temptations to go back, i haven't. amongst other things, i kept remembering this song and that moment in the train back home. the relief taking that decision made me feel. i may have sucumbed to other things afterwards, but i've always pushed through them. i've made my choices and they haven't ways been the right ones, but i'm still here.

i am heavily depressed and anxious. i have bpd and ptsd and i dissociate heavily. but i tak emy medication, and i go to therapy, and i try to do some exercise in my living room several days a week.

i'm trying. i promise i am. even though i am so scared i'm still here, finging reasons, reminding myself of them.

i try to remember that i will decay, but i must do it gracefully; i will grow like eerything grows; i can live even though the knife will always be there.

this tattoo is a reminder of that. one of several i plan to have done. i don't want to look at my body and only see what the clients saw; i want to grow myself into something lovable and good. grow through my own choices.

i don't expect anyone to read this far since i'm a nobody screaming into the tumblr void, but if any sex worker is there and wants to be mutuals or talk about it, i'd love to. if anyone has been/is in a similar situation or going through a hard time, i'm here and you can talk to me any time.