die to the ego nature

szpd culture is not seeing a lot of things as cheating in a relationship when most people think it definitely crosses boundaries but you just cant understand whats the issue . i dont have strong attachment to anyone especially in THAT way so how can i understand what violating that attachment means for BOTH parties also i just dont really care about myself like that lol

one thing i dont see people talk about on here is the "inconsistent morals" part of szpd. i believe i might have co-occurring scrupulous ocd, and so having these two traits causes so much more conflict in me than is healthy. just every hour with this, with me assuming im some sort of unfeeling monster but in the next, feeling like a pushover loser who cares too much about the little things no one thinks about.

your version of love is deep consuming adoration that often hurts to feel and provokes such a strong attachment that it may even do more harm than good. it is poetic, timeless and admired. my version of love is simple indifferent tolerance, maybe mild enjoyment however quite limited by detachment at its hollow core.

so i realized why i like makeup/ looking nice in general.. its because i inherently feel dirty, nonhuman, ugly, different, etc. (moreso my mind/ nature, not really actual physical looks) and the dressing up is another layer to the whole facade i give to people to further distance myself from them knowing what i really am .

listening to songs of people being very emotional about an ex/ ex friend and the lyrics are about abandonment or lack of emotional intimacy/closeness or something etc., how the ex was evil and how much "it hurts" and i just cant help to picture myself in the shoes of the "evil ex".

i was talking to my partner while happening to be around his mom at the same time and when i was done, she kept asking what i said and i didnt answer (lol) . she then said that she thought i was talking about moving out in a somewhat shocked but lighthearted tone , saying something like "pleeease dont leave us, please dont move"

i go in these waves of "schizoid-esque but i can still do some things i like and mask well when needed and such" and theres this other phase i go through where i just cannot care about anything to a point where the fabric of reality is very thin for me and nothing helps me feel like a person whatsoever. devoid of passion, motivation or anything and so so bored, even more than before. its like im a ghost, but even then ghosts can be depicted to feel things, more or less. disassociation also spikes when this happens. i try to make myself feel anything but its as if i never had the ability to feel any emotion at all.

there must be more to existence than this. im hanging onto my undying belief in some sort of afterlife, in which any ailment- mental and physical, is purified and the contradictory heavy hollowness of mine is miraculously finally absent. the meaning is apparent and there will be beautiful things any mind contained within this dimension could not comprehend and ill be free playing with them. there will just be joy and ease in everything

"you dont care about anyone else, you dont desire being around them and you hate just even interacting? wow, you must only care about yourself then, you must be very selfish atleast a little if no one is good enough for you!!"

i wonder what percentage of schizoids have absolutely 0 friends like myself . strictly absolutely no one at all. not even friendly acquintences. from what i know its quite rare?

i love watching the same things over and over and eating the same things and doing the same things and listening to the same songs. anything "adventurous" i instantly dislike just by it being unfamiliar. i dont care if "i might like it"