𐌌𐌌:ᛑᙣ 𐌃𐌃:ᙣზ

on the verge of getting into alcoholism

i just want at least one person who i could be open with fully, and who would be open with me to the same extent. all the people that are dear to me, i end up protecting them from myself... hence there's always part of me or my life that is never shared and it weighs me down everytime we interact.

you live inside my peripheral and even if i can't perceive you as true due to my derealization – what's important is that you say that for you i am real. i trust you enough to hear your words and not overthink past them. i am real for you. and that's all that matters. everything else i'm feeling can go to hell.

i have endless fascination with the way things Work and interconnect to form full bodies. insides of computers, societies and civilizations, how human's skin heals after bruising, people's heads.. forever curious about the world.

yeah i am a schizoid, still. i have come a long way in relationships though and doing the social thing and finding the almost perfect place of (dis)comfort among people. but that's just because i'm inherently interested in minds, my own and other people's, and i value kindness and social integrity – they don't come natural to me as a human but rather they're my interests i'm taking up. i'm aware not everybody on the low empathy spectrum has the same interests as me and i don't expect proficiency in "human-ing", i also know that objectively i have a pretty big tolerance for it but. but. but. how did you expect our relationship to work without developing any sort of interest in how to navigate it? you admitted in half words you only ever saw me as a property, object which qualities were useful to you, something that "if it fits, i'll wear it". your biggest flaw is that with all your actual possessions that you say are necessary to your daily life – you let them collect dust and other after-use residue until they break down and can't be used anymore. how do you expect a thing to last when you don't care of it? you could've at least learned to take care of your objects, including me. i wouldn't have minded it, even would've enjoyed it. yet you couldn't even do that.

we had a new visitor? in the system today. he's our Angel. we don't know his exact name yet. but his voice is sweet and we liked having him guide.

oh, it seems like we switched back to our usual host. don't remember a time when he was resting for such a long time and let another person take over for so long. we didn't even feel like a system during that time since our Jester doesn't really concern himself with being part of the system, just wreaking a little bit (or sometimes big) havoc and enjoying himself hah

EMDR, feels like, changed my brain chemistry in a way where i sometimes can't recognize myself. but i want to continue this blog, it feels like an inner alchemical journey of sorts. sadly, i don't anymore relate nor identify myself with the schizoid individual. and my plurality also needs re-examining, but i haven't been prompted to do it since it hasn't been bothering me for a couple of months now. heads up to the bunch of people that pressed the follow button: thinking of changing up this blog a little and continuing

plural problem is that every headmate has different writing/artistic/interest projects that they do and we can never finish anything because we only partake in them when fronting. some projects are shared but other ones are completely not interesting to the rest...

i can sense myself being different people. every person has a completely different mindspace. hence different POVs, different decision-making logic, different likes and dislikes, different ways they deal with stress and uncomfortable situations, different thought pathways, different habits and rituals they do... we're bad at telling apart who's fronting, usually there's a couple of us at the surface and we take turns fronting depending on the situation at hand. we have Observer who fronts pretty often yet quietly, when we're by ourselves, and who's job is To Make Sense Of Things – mostly make sense of our system. he's the one taking notes. but today, and actually the last 2-3 days, he's been resting probably. he's not even near the surface so our understanding of ourselves feels pretty hazy. i wouldn't like to say who's writing... my job is secretive in nature and only the very chosen ones get to experience me. i'm pretty good at adapting although i'm probably the oldest in the system. i also like observing Observer's work. but my objectives are different. Observer forgets to relax about all this information and i'm here to experience everything at the core. i like to say i'm the one connecting this body's core to the core of the Universe. that's all i can say about my work in this system. i like to act upon the rule of shutting up when needed to.

there's something missing. from my life, or maybe from me. there's something only sleep can fix if it was eternal.

i think i'm gonna quit therapy for some time. been doing it for more than half a year now and there is some kind of progress but my mind's looping even more than before starting therapy. and my body can't take the weight of this intensity anymore.

another day of waking up tired. it feels like i haven't slept for a month. my body is falling apart and i have no means to hold it together.