CHARKI'S UNWRITTEN

It’s not me, it’s you…

Raise your hands 🙋🏾 if you have heard this phrase “it’s not you, it’s me” or something similar during a break up before? No? Come and sit by me and let those who have continue reading in peace. Hasn't this one-liner become too much of a cliche for the final convo in a relationship? 🙄Because you are the one initiating the ending to what you both promised would last, somehow you have to take full responsibility for it? 😑

Ever been with someone that’s been treated badly in their previous encounters that they just automatically expect it from everyone? Like no matter how well you treat them or stick around for them they’re just patiently (and sometimes even impatiently) waiting for the ball to drop.

Quietly or not so much, calculating your every move until there’s a discrepancy so they can prove you to be just like all the others before you. And when that doesn’t happen still, they start creating new things to complain about because heaven forbid that you a person with blood flowing through your veins would treat them right with no ulterior motives. They deem it impossible to believe that you, breathing the same O2 as everyone else, can have nothing but genuine intentions behind your actions towards them. Sometimes leaving you to wonder why they are even with you in the first place.

And when finally that day comes when you’ve had enough and realise you deserve better than the unwarranted accusations, you get fed up and finally up and leave they have their “I always knew you would also leave me” speech 📇 all typed out, not less than 1500 words, Times New Romans, font 12, left aligned, double line spacing, ready waiting for you. If you find yourself in such a situation, I think you’re justified with saying “hey boo, it’s not me, it’s you” then ghost. 👻

“THE BIG SHORT” OF RELATIONSHIPS

I’m going to be geeky and discuss relationships with you tonight using the housing market and its finance as an analogy.

Earlier today, I was thinking about how often in my generation, partners are accused of cheating (which mostly turns out to be true). I don’t know the exact percentage but I know the majority always have a replacement for their current partners before they exit their relationships.

Let me be a bit controversial here and just ask; what really is wrong with that?

When it comes to housing there are different forms of “ownership” and I use the term ownership lightly. In my opinion, it is the same with relationships.

There are the Squatters

Just as squatters are not really considered homeowners well neither are friends with benefits, side niggas and side chicks, booty calls, these types are just a no no. No please. Don't even refer to them as your partners. You cannot even legit accuse them of “cheating” without looking stupid. No squatters should be allowed in this convo (see I didn’t even put that heading in bold).

There are the type that like to rent.

To certain people, relationships are temporary places to just relax after they have kept themselves busy outside all day. Your bosom is just a resting place. They are not looking to buy. So which sensible person who is renting would let their lease run out without finding a new place to move into? Surely that’s just plain stupid. The only difference is that these relationship rentors actually forget to notify their landlords about their exit and only tell them when they have already found a new place. Sometimes they even keep mute until the landlord gets tired of them thrashing the place up and finally kicks them out. These types are always looking for something “bigger and better”, quite never satisfied with their current abode. Most situationships fall under this category. These people don't even consider cheating as cheating because they feel no entitlement whatsoever to your house. They enjoy the experience of living in so many different area codes. A slight change in their status and they’re quick to rent what they deem to be a more luxurious version of their former place.

There are the type that like to mortgage.

These types are uncertain. They think they want to buy the house but are not sure of themselves. They may feel too young and not established enough to settle fully in one place just yet. They’d put a down payment in the form of giving their partner a title, or maybe the benefits of a relationship without fully committing to the role. Some, along the way, tend to mature and get their business together enough to fully settle the balance on the house and make it their home.

Others, they’ll be delinquent from time to time but get their acts together just in time for you to give them another shot. Emphasis on ACT. They probably feel bad about cheating but might still do it anyway until one day they finally default on your relationship mortgage and leave you hanging. They stop making payments altogether not caring the consequences because they lost interest in the house.

Now you are back on the market only this time you have less years on your lease, you’re bitter about being left stranded, with little or no trust in future prospective homeowners. Imagine after your value has been reduced and you have to come back and compete with all these newly designed houses on the market. The stress.

Finally there are the type that are looking to buy/build.

I think the “buy type” is quite self explanatory. These are the serious types. They've seen the house they want and they're not about to do anything stupid that'll make them lose this house. They're the ones that when out during the day, just look forward to getting home. The ones that are making plans to put a garden in the front, a pool at the back, add an extra room because they have every intention of staying in that home for as long as they’ve signed up for.

The “build types” may not have the stability to purchase outright but all their actions and investment into the relationship show that they want the lease on the home in their name, signed, sealed and delivered, they’re yours. (Man I’m corny lol) This type is in it for the long term too.

So to answer my bold controversial question at the beginning, I’d say this:

Stop crying about how much of a mess (cheating) your partner has created in your house. It is your house and therefore, only you can give someone the permission to come in and disrespect you. Define exactly the type of relationship you have with your partners and if they are looking to buy/build, JACKPOT!

If you find out otherwise, *dramatic pause* scram, run, flee, lock the door, lock the gate, etc, etc! Wait, you’re gonna take the short position and stay with them? Alright…Just make sure you know what you are getting yourself into. You don’t want to end up making a loss because the price you pay for that decision ends up way higher than you expected. Relationships are not supposed to be flighty. You should do just as much, if not more, due diligence as when making a decision on owning a home. All I am saying is know the intentions of whom you are handing your keys over to, are they looking to rent, mortgage, buy/build?