Hannah MK

One my best friends passed away 5 years ago and I still don’t believe it. To me, she is still alive and we just haven’t been keeping in touch. 

And I feel so guilty. For so many reasons. I feel horrible and guilty every time she crosses my mind and I’m unsure why. So much so that I quickly try and erase the thoughts of her from my mind. And that makes me feel even worse. Maybe because I feel I could have loved her more or been there for her more? Perhaps I could have been a better friend - giving her everything she deserved from me?

And I feel like I didn’t do that. I feel like our banter, Skype conversations, phone calls, DMs and text messages were frivolous, empty discourse and I think to myself … is it fair for me to reduce our friendship to that? Perhaps it DID mean something? Perhaps I WAS a good friend? I don’t know. 

It has been 5 years and I’m replaying our friendship in my mind and I’m still finding so many loopholes. So many things I could have done better to enhance her experience every time she and I interacted. Only the people in a relationship really know the dynamics of that relationship and I have no one but her to verify all these questions. At this point, as I type, I feel selfish because now I’m making this all about me. 

So now my train of thought diverts and I think about if she’s happy, safe and at peace. I am now consciously trying to make this about her and not all about me. 

I don’t know sometimes. I have a lot of questions and I sweep them under the rug because, like I say, only the people in a  relationship really know the dynamics of that relationship and for everyone looking in, although you may have an opinion, you really don’t know.