Study Of A Chaotic System

If every single woman today chose to only see female OBs, and did nothing else to move towards separatism, many women’s lives would still be drastically changed. The system would still be changed.

An 80 year old Catholic woman who isn’t going to leave her 45 year marriage may still decide to only see female doctors if the benefits are talked about. An 18 year old girl leaving for college may not cut contact with her dad, or refuse to take tuition money from him, but she may decide she only wants to take classes with female professors, or stay in a women’s only building, if she is given that opportunity. A mom isn’t going to “decenter” her male children from her life, but she might leave her porn addict husband and decide to stop dating men, if that option is destigmatized and she is told her comfort is a good enough reason to leave. A highschool girl may not stop having male friends, but if she decides that she is setting a boundary and not allowing those males into her home, she is already making a difference in how safe she is.

Telling little girls it’s ok to only read books by women means the creation of a new generation of women who haven’t been programed to accept how male authors dehumanize and belittle them. Telling little girls it’s ok to only play with girls, or to want to be in girls only sports means the creation of a new generation of women who have stronger bonds with each other, trust each other more, love each other better. Telling little girls it’s ok to request female doctors and therapists means the creation of a new generation of women who may be saved from medical sexual abuse and sometimes fatal medical misogyny.

I wouldn’t call these things “separatism” per say because I understand to some extent how that can water down an ideology that is inherently more radical and more complete, but I’d definitely say those small acts of decentering are also important, and can also improve women’s quality of life. A more strict, radical ideology is not going to bring in every single woman (though it SHOULD exist and WILL appeal to a portion of the population, and with stigma around it removed a much larger portion) but small acts of decentering can be done by every single woman, and may actually make very large positive impacts on their lives.

Almost everyone would benefit from, for example, brushing their teeth every day, but I’d still rather everyone was able to brush them once a week than that some people just didn’t touch them at all, if that’s a fair comparison.

Almost everyone would benefit from running every single day, but I’d rather everyone be encouraged to at least walk half an hour than feel like if they aren’t running they may as well be on their ass. Some of those people who start out walking when they see it encouraged will end up running marathons.

Sometimes it’s the small, more “reasonable” steps that are a closer fit with the worldview someone is comfortable with that lift them closer to the end goal than telling them that they aren’t doing enough would lift them. And even if they only take the small steps, it’s better than no steps.

I say all of this as a woman who, besides my son and my kids father I legally am required to coparent with, has almost fully removed men from my life to the extent which that is possible in the modern day (I still have situations outside of my control like prevalence of male ER physicians over female meaning in emergencies I have to give up my physical safety and health into mens hands, general media focus on male opinions, subconscious social programing, etc). I have no male friends, no relationship with male family members due to their misogyny, I work in fields which actively center women and girls, I had only female college professors, I have only female doctors, a female therapist (more specifically a lesbian feminist therapist who works private practice and only sees female clients). I read works by female authors, listen to other women’s ideas, have fantastic deep bonds of trust and support with female family and friends, go to a women’s art class for community building and enjoyment of our craft.

I fully appreciate the value of separatism. I wish womyns lands were more common, more accessible, more protected. I wish female only medical practices, dental practices, secular colleges, trade schools, art schools, etc. were a choice for every woman. I wish women were born into female safety and female community as the default, and not questioned on their decision to center their sisters over their oppressors.

While those goals are still being fought for, I think it’s pretty wonderful that there are women (Even female children. Even non-feminists. Even women who don’t know what separatism means) out there every single day making small choices that help to remove some thorns of patriarchy from their lives, or that grant them deeper bonds with each other.

Mine is little girls having their ears pierced. In a lot of countries, like mine (France) but also the UK, the USA, etc, it is perfectly normal for parents to take little toddler girls to get their ears pierced.

It's even accepted and shrugged at that they usually do it unsafely, with piercing guns, in the middle of a Claire's by a person with barely any training. If you did that as an adult people would shriek at you for being an idiot.

Piercing a little boy's ears sounds insane to all those people. They'd scream abuse.

Piercing any other parts would also be insane and abuse. But earlobes are fine.

I have seen plenty of feminists, including radical, shrug at the matter because they themselves got their ears pierced as kids and they like wearing earrings so meh. And I guess nobody wants to face the reality that their parents put holes in them as a baby for esthetic purposes just because they were female.

If I call it mutilation I'm insane.

Even the most progressive non gendered education gentle parenting the whole 5 yards parents I know plan on having their girls' ears pierced.

All for what? So they can wear earrings. And it's assumed that if you don't do it when they are babies they'll want it once they grow up so really you are doing them a favor. Or some people don't do it to toddlers, they wait until the girl "says she wants it", aka once they are in primary school and want to conform because all their girl friends have pierced ears.

Makes me feel crazy sometimes.

@madolecence

But that's exactly the thing! Would she have caved if it had been a tattoo? Or a nose ring? Or if you had been a little boy? That is not normal and of course 9 is still too young, any age under the one you can stroll in a piercing shop yourself and ask for one is too young. That's what I'm talking about when I say piercing girls' ears is so normalised that the most progressive thing is waiting for the girl to be in primary school and say "she wants it" (completely ignoring that she would not be allowed to make that decision for any other body modification of that kind, that she just entered an institution where most girls she meets probably have their ears pierced, their female teachers too, etc).

I have a lot of conflicted feelings myself toward my mother for having this done to me. I was a toddler, at least it was at an actual piercer's place, but it's insane either way. I have two brothers and not for a single second would the thought "Let's put holes in them kids to decorate them!" cross my parents' minds when looking at them.

I’ve gone down the sewing rabbit hole this pandemic. I fell in love with Bernadette Banner and Morgan Donners videos on historical clothing. I’ve been practicing sewing through making my own things, or editing the clothes I have to better fit my style. I’ve been doing some quilting too, simple ones, enough to stare in awe at the geometric masterpieces that have been made with the purpose of keeping someone lovingly warm at night.

I’ve been thinking about the history of coding, and how, at its inception, it started as a way to make machine weaving go through repetitive patterns.

I grew up loving geometry and math, along with crafts and art. I adored Viharts YouTube videos about doodling in math class, and all her love of all things math and art. I love that she calls herself a mathemusician. Art and math are intrinsically combined in my head and heart. It comes out in cute drawings of succulents based off of the Fibonacci spiral, or understanding knot principals based on a girlhood of friendship bracelets and crochet.

When looking at quilt patterns, I thought of my childhood love for MCEscher, with all his geometric and mathematical art. I have an impossible triangle tattooed on my skin, and I wondered what Escher quilts there might be. But looking at the results felt wrong, in a way. Beautiful, sure, but I was seeking out a mans art slapped upon a women’s art form. It felt disrespectful to the traditional quilting patterns full of geometric beauty to ignore them for a more recognizable and “nerdy” style. As if that nerdiness was more acceptable than a frank love of quilt art. As if making a cool Escher inspired quilt somehow made up for the embarrassing boring domesticity of a quilt.

I’ve been thinking about how much geometry and math is involved in shaping flat fabric to our curved forms. The unique calculations each seamstress makes when fitting clothes to their personal body. The intense planning and measuring and accounting for seam allowance involved in traditional quilt patterns. The optical illusions and hidden seams and structures to create what’s wanted. The grids drawn on to make some Japanese embroidery styles.

I’m reminded that originally, coding was a female driven field. That in NASA, there were women Calculators to do the long repetitive complex math. That when making the original coded hardware for space travel, it was a form of copper weaving, and that the only people skilled enough to do it were little old ladies who had a lifetime of embroidery practice. That when looking for a company to make space suits, a bra company won hands down, because they were far more experienced in complex fabric work. That they had to see the space suits with no pinning, with ridiculously little margin of error.

I’m reminded of the curse of the boyfriend sweater. How, stereotypically, if a woman takes the hours and hours of work and the money to invest in quality yarn to make her boyfriend a sweater to show him love and keep him warm, he won’t appreciate the work put in. He won’t recognize her labor, making her realize his lack of care, and leading to them breaking up. It happened to my sister, and many others.

I wonder if Pythagorus ever looked at the creation of a toga. I wonder Escher was ever inspired by a quilt. I wonder at the countless nameless mathematicians and artists who were not recognized for their brilliance because their art and geometric theory was displayed on a bed. I wonder at the thread of history between women sewing or weaving long complex repetitive patterns to women calculating long repetitive complex math sums at NASA. I wonder if that effort is ever recognized.

How much of the history of fabrics and domestic work and women are considered inconsequential, but that without which we might not have gotten to the moon? If there was a small god of fabrics and textiles, she would be a small god of geometry as well, and one of her children be the small god of space travel.

Crazy thought I know, but gay people don’t actually find homosexuality to be restrictive, as if we’re always so tempted to dip our toes into bisexuality or something but don’t feel allowed to. Gay people actually find embracing our sexualities to be extremely liberating and freeing and not restrictive in the least.

- A lesbian perspective, in light of these news. (01/12/2020)

Sometimes I get called sir. Usually by men, in a waiting room at the ophthalmologist, or at reception for buying a new phone. I respond by raising my eyebrows, in a bewildered, don’t-you-have-functioning-eyes, and they look confused. Apparently, you can’t wear pants and a shirt with a buzzcut, sport flat shoes, wear no make-up nor shave, and still be a woman. Even if you have breasts literally as big as melons. Apparently, I’m an incorrect woman; I’m going about my womanhood wrong. It’s in my mother’s hesitancy when we discuss clothes, it’s in the lack of women like me in the media, in my daily life.

It’s a special kind of loneliness. As if I’m separated by a sheet of glass from everyone else. I’m there but I’m all alone. I’m not doing anything wrong, but people’s glances, the little silences, the double-takes, the inability to relate, all of this is trying to paint a different reality. One where I am wrong for existing. Where I’m betraying all the agreed upon rules that say that women must wear dresses and jewellery and marry men and birth them children. But I know, I know, that I’m not doing anything wrong. Still, it’s like walking against the wind. I’m grasping at anything that could help me not be blown off. I treasure my like-minded friends. I rejoice when women with shaved head appear on tv, when I see unapologetic lesbians, when I come across pictures of women rocking suits and suspenders. And yet, they are still too few and far in between. I have to keep each one close to my heart; and more often than I wish I still feel the loneliness.

I liked Ellen Page because she was unapologetic. She didn’t apologise for being a lesbian. Just by existing in the spotlight she pushed back a little on the careful boundaries set for women. She reminded everyone that there were more to women than high heels and masks of make-up and skirts. And while we should not rely on celebrities to save us, we can still all benefit from seeing women in the spotlight refuse to conform to misogynistic tropes. So today I feel a little sad, a little mournful. One more woman succumbing to misogyny, one more lesbian suffocated by lesbophobia. She was probably under a different kind of pressure that the one I have to face. Still, still, still. We should do better. We don’t have to submit to their definition of womanhood.

Womanhood is big enough for all women. There’s enough space for us all, with all our differences. Having short hair or wanting to wear comfortable clothes doesn’t disqualify you from being a woman. There’s no need to say that we are not women just because we don’t fit the misogynistic traits that pass for descriptors of womanhood these days. Every time a woman gives up, gives in, says “I must not be a woman then” because of the misogyny, because of the lesbophobia, we all suffer as women. Because the rules, the expectations, become a little more stringent for each of us who stays.

We have already been doing so from the start of humanity. Women have been creating and securing food, clothing and shelter for themselves, and their families from the very start. Not only that, but only women have proved to be able to maintain and continually provide food, shelter and clothing, and keep community functioning in a non-violent way. Right now we’re still doing all those things but in favour of men, securing safe home, shelter, food, clothing and buffer for violence and safety of men, instead for ourselves. 

You wouldn’t leave a man to care for an infant, you wouldn’t leave a man to nurture and take care of small children, putting them on heads of communities had proven to be destructive and oppressive for every time it was done. Women however, have found ways to create a functioning society without men over and over again. When men go to wars, women thrive. When men die and leave women to live in peace, women thrive. We don’t have to wait for them to go to wars or die, we could leave on our own.

Men need the entire system of patriarchy and environment destruction to enable themselves to have homes, food, rape, power over women and whatever else, women don’t need that. Women can get all of that without any kind of oppressive system, without depleting resources or destroying the environment. Women have always been able to feel closer to nature, and use resources responsibly and with greater consideration of how it will affect environment and our future. When women are put in charge, the earth will prosper as well.

And women are still doing all of these things, today. Knowledge of how to prosper without patriarchy, thru knowledge of nature and magic we’re granted, is still passed on thru generations. I found a group of women who are so knowledgeable about plants they can go out even now, and gather lunch ingredients without spending a penny, and it’s more nutritious than you can buy. There are groups of women specifically sharing the knowledge of how to grow any kind of food anywhere, keeping seeds of all old sorts, and sharing them to preserve the precious produces that capitalism is currently dying out. There are women who still make clothing from scratch, clothing that will last for lifetimes. There are women who will collect plants as medicine and don’t need pharmacies. There are women who know more about building houses and making them into homes than most of dudes. 

There is a distinct lack of older role models in my life and I've come to think it is one major factor in the disconnect and alienation I feel.

When I look at the older women around me, I do not see something I wish to become, or even have the option of becoming. I see my mom, a somewhat satisfied housewife, and I can only feel distance from her. My grandmother, a woman who spent her entire 81 years of life so far taking care of everyone around her, donating every piece of herself to her family, then her adoptive family, then her husband, then kids, then grandkids. I haven't sacrificed much so far and I wouldn't, either. I'm far too selfish.

I have an aunt who I adore who does set some examples for me. She's strong and somewhat independent, clever and interesting and I love being close to her. But still, she has a husband at home, and she responds to him. She has two kids, two cousins I do love, who do however also take a lot from her. I'm not nearly as independent as her, and I will never have a husband to respond to. I'm never gonna be like her.

Who will I be like when I'm old, when I'm middle age? What will my childless life look like for me, especially if I never find a long term partner? What will the end of my life be?

I feel I would not feel so inappropriate, so unfit, if I had some footsteps to follow. I don't know what my love life is supposed to be at 24; it looks vastly different than those of most of my friends, and no matter how much they assure me I'm not a freak, it doesn't feel as meaningful as it could coming from someone who've been here, and gotten to a better place.

I crave some solid lesbian role models, who tell me how I should behave on a first date, when someone is treating me like shit and I can't see it cause it feels like she's the only chance at happiness I will ever have, how I should feel about my body during sex. How I should heal before I get there, even.

I feel the aspiration I have for my future is a jigsaw puzzle with a slightly sick twist. I have a professor as a role model for my future career; brilliant woman. Straight, unmarried, powerful. But I want to marry. Another for my character and my personality; my aunt, vibrant and passionate. Married with kids, but I will never love a man. Tiny pieces of life I want, but never the full picture.

The sick twist is sometimes... finding that lacking role model in my romantic interests. This can't be a healthy dynamic, but I find it very rare to be interest in women who treat me as equal. Instead, I find myself endlessly lost in older women who'll be only slighty condescending to me, but also protective, like they've been here before not that long ago. Lesbians, needless to say.

If I had healthy examples of women who live like I want to, and like I can live, I might not have to find that in the already tiny amount of women I meet who fit my dating criteria.

Rules: Google/search your name + your favorite color + the word ‘aesthetic’. Take the first 4 (non collage) photos to create an aesthetic mood board and tag your friends and mutuals.

<3

interesting mix

@bichaotic @cliteralviolence @boiparts @yorha-unit-a2 @055u4ry @opabiniawillreturn @gardensandruins @mm-society-women @sappho-the-witch @stowks @gcdk @seesaltwitch @radicoo1 @glitteras @loatheeverythingmale @desertbleed @omnivore-odyssey @duppledore1

(some of y'all I can’t tag and some of y'all I can’t remember your new screennames offhand!)

ngl these do give off vibes that are me. thanks for thinking of me

Thanks for thinking of me @loatheeverythingmale​!

@floatingbook​ I had to use my nickname because my name only showed a k-pop singer. This aesthetic mood board isn’t me at all but at least It reminds the gyns who follow me to drink water I guess.

But you can weather it, and you can get others under your shelter. You can build a place to weather the storm, so when it’s over you can still fight the ones you don’t have to just withstand

It can be immeasurably defeating to see all the minds you can’t change, the people you can’t convince, and the storms you can’t stop. So don’t focus, always, on the storm

writing is one of the few things that is better to start when you’re older. that’s not to say it’s bad to start young, but if you come to any art when you’re older, you tend to have more patience with yourself, more discipline and focus, and very simply, you have more experiences to draw from. writing will always be there for you, no matter what age you pick it up or set it down. 

the writer’s life is very compelling, and i can see how you might fall in love with it. honestly, you can live the writing life without really writing much at all. write a short piece and polish it as best you can, get it published, come up with a project proposal, and start applying to places. workshops, residencies, an MFA. a lot of people who are afraid to write can sometimes flourish in academic settings because you have structure and deadlines and community. 

if the writing life is something you’re interested in, it’s absolutely available to you. it’s expensive, and you probably won’t make much money, and if you’re in the US you probably won’t have healthcare unless you have a spouse to cover you, but it’s the cost of living (as @aeriallon says) a chosen life. 

i can promise you, there are no Greats. greatness is something given to writers by publishers to sell more books. there is no writer who is better at writing than you are, and no one who is worse. there is only difference and diligence, writers who are farther down their respective paths. writers who have social privilege and luck, who have found the right agents and editors and judges who jive with their work and can use their existing platform to support them. it’s chasing down opportunities, and facing failure and rejection, and pretty much constant struggling, but it’s also, for me anyway, the only reason to live. it’s the work that i’m here to do. 

my best advice to you is to seek out other writers and build a community or partnership in writing. it is really hard to deny yourself the writing life when you’re around people who take it as seriously as you do. moreover, it’ll lend you courage and support and hopefully a sense of belonging. 

If you're getting started and have never written anything, my advice would be : write. Write anything and everything, ideas that come to mind, snippets of dialogue, three lines angst pieces, two pages descriptions of a single object, fragments of poems...the possibilities are endless. Don't worry about writing well, don't worry about plot or structure or meaning. Start by exploring your own writing, what you like, what themes attract you, what emotions resonate with you. Just write, and the rest will come naturally.

And my second advice is, if you're in a place where you want to write a story, with plot and structure and consistency, I would say : backbone before muscle. Start with the core, and flesh it out. It's a lot like @mistmoonandheart said, general before specific. For me, that means writing first the essential of the scene. It can be only dialogue and zero description, lengthy description but no dialogue, no punctuation or paragraphs of any kind, just the brut ideas thrown on paper. And once I get the thread, I can build on it. Add descriptions, polish the dialogues, rethink a sentence, add some poetic writing...and I find it much easier to build onto something I already have, even if it's just a few lines, rather than to write every scene from scratch.

- practical actions that can be taken to fight internalized misogyny

Why: A woman starved is easy to control. When you’re food deprived, you lack the energy to rebel, your thoughts are muddled, you’re consumed by your hunger. If the standards of beauty, of acceptable body shapes are unachievable, women are locked in an impossible quest for weight loss, a war with their body to restrict their eating, to shrink themselves, to fit into the unrealistic mold. Most of the injunctions we get from modern society regarding food and eating are not motivated by concern for our health. They are meant to keep up subjugated and distracted. We need food, we need to satiate our hunger, we need to eat to act and think and exist. But how are we supposed to be fine with eating while we’re seeing ads for weight loss programs everywhere? When everyone tells you you should lose weight as soon as your BMI is on the wrong side of 25? When doctors always diagnose you with “too fat” instead of treating your ailments? When fat is stigmatized as a personal failing? When losing weight is one of the best thing that can happen to a woman? When you never see any fat women in the media? Food is linked with one of the worst things that could happen to a woman (gaining weight) and so it becomes the enemy. Something to be controlled, to be distrusted, something shameful. In this system, a woman’s worth is intimately tied to her weight and appearance.

Your articulate this point so well : if you listen to what your body wants, your body will take care of itself. If you deprive yourself from anything you actually enjoy because it's considered 'bad', you'll end up craving it all the time. But if you eat want when you want it, you will have moments of 'I would really enjoy a salad right now' and it won't be a chore to eat it.