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rules for surviving trauma anniversaries

Do you ever notice that some days it just hurts and hurts and nothing happened but you’re just irritable and upset. But then you get a moment of silence, a moment by yourself and you hear their name in your head. And then it all makes sense. This pain is not anger, it’s not because I woke up in a bad mood, it’s because I miss you. You look at the date after your outburst and your mind just goes “oh. I understand you, heart. I see why you hurt today.” Because today is another anniversary. My body, my soul, my heart remembers that on this day however many years ago I experienced one of the hardest days of my life. Even when your mind is too busy with this and that, my heart always remembers. Because that’s a day that it overfilled, not cracked but burst. My heart burst because I had so much more love to give someone and they were no longer here to receive it. Any number of days will never be enough to give all the love I want to to my loved ones. I’m always going to have so much more love I want to put on you all. Til the day I die I will love you all more than I can physically handle. You could say I love too hard but I don’t believe that. What is life worth living for if it’s not love? How lucky am I to get to love all these people. I grieve so hard and so much. I love so hard and so much. It has to be a trade off. Without death there is no life. Without grief there was no love. And I love you. I am blessed to love so many people in my life. So this morning my love is painful, my love is renamed “grief” this morning. But tonight, when I get to visit with my loved ones still in this realm, my love will just be love.

I was 6 when my parents got divorced and my dad had an apartment while I lived in a car with my mom

At this point in time my love life is zero to none. I have no one giving me attention, passion, love; but I’m not lacking any of those. I’ve found them when I dance. It’s inside of me, set free when I allow the music to soak into my veins. I give it to my myself. I allow myself to take it.