i mean seriously it’s so fucked and twisted and unfair and i’ll never be okay with it ( a long post which gets kinda less coherent and more mentally ill sounding as it goes on LOL, tws in tags but they’re only brief mentions)
my formative years were ripped away from me. i feel like i died, in a way. i ceased to exist after she homeschooled me. i’m getting really fucking frustrated because i can’t even put this stupid shit into words. i kinda just want to go ahead and die because it’s not like it matters, i’m past the stage of my life now where things actually happen. it’s all over now and there is nothing that can be done to fix it. i’m past the part where i get to experiment, where i get to learn, where i get to figure myself and what i want out, where i get to meet new people and make friends and lose friends and get into relationships. it’s all gone now. there’s no point anymore, i’m never going to be a real person. i’m just some kind of fucked up thing pretending to be a person.
i’m never going to be okay. i was never even given a chance before everything was ruined. i have had no control over anything, i’m getting frustrated again now because this is so stupid. it’s all fucking gone. it’s all ruined. all fucking ruined. it pisses me off every time i express how i feel about this, everyone wants to be like “school sucks be glad you missed out lol!!!” . actually go jump off a bridge. you have no right to say things like that to me. you can think school sucks all you want, but stop telling ME how I “should” feel about me being literally isolated and neglected and borderline abused from the time i was 8/9 years old. you should be more grateful that you got an education in the first place because a lot of people don’t get to have that for a lot of different reasons.
my lifr has been ruined by homeschooling. im not saying that to be dramatic or anything, i mean it. it RUINED MY LIFE. everything is 10 times harder than it should be, it took me 2 fucking years of searching to find a job because i have no education or skills. i can’t make friends because i relate to no one, and im so socially awkward that everyone hates me because i’m weird and stupid and rude. i hate myself. i wish i wasn’t scared to commit. i just want to be real. i just want to be a persoj like everyone else is. the person i could have been was killed and i’m left in his place.
sometimes i think my entire existence is just to feed her ego. she gets to say to herself, i don’t know, something about how she saved me from the horrors of the world that wanted me to be a devil-worshipping faggot or something like that. she’s probably so happy that she ruined me so severely because that made me easy to manipulate into whatever she wanted. i hate this pathetic version of me she’s created. i hate what a people-pleasing, timid, docile, personality-less creature i am. no one my age likes me because i was only raised around middle aged southern women, i don’t know how to be a 19 year old. i have been an adult since i was born. she used to tell people that i had “the mind of a 30 year old”, which is a questionable thing to say about a child. i often wonder if i was abused in more ways than i remember because of my mind’s automatic response to certain themes.
i long to be loved which is never going to happen, because i’m so socially and developmentally stunted. i can’t become close enough with someone that we fall in love. i can’t go anywhere where i could meet someone to fall in love with. my flat and timid and awkward personality makes everyone dislike me because i’m boring. i’m an unlovable creature. i am developmentally not like others my age, i’m stuck witth a mind more like a 15 year old if i had to guess. i feel like death is my only solution, i’m too far gone to fix . i just want to be loved and understood snd cared about. but that doesn’t happen to me, i’m only wanted when i can provide something. a lot of the friends i had made in the past, online or not, were somewhat sexually aggressive towards me. and i just wonder if maybe if i let someone have their way with me, would they love me then? would i be worth keeping around? would they want me? and if it wasnt sexual or vaguely romance, it was just manipulation and bullying becayse they knew i’d take it.
i have an irl friend. she is my coworker and i love her very much. . i just feel very sad that i’m not good at being friends with people like she is , she’s frienfs with all of our coworkers and rhey all go out to eat together once a week but i’m never invited. she’s kind to me . more kind to me than most people are, she seems to view me as an actual person which is nice .,
i rrally want to ve loved and to have a lot of close frienfs and to be social and smart and good. i want to be good. idon’t wven know what i’m trying to say anymore. i hate me i hate this thing that i’ve become, i’m ruined and my lifr is ruined and i’m never going to find love or peace or anything and i don’t fucking know shut up leave me alone
i would have liked to join clubs/extracurriculars and elective classes. art. theater. maybe a sport but i’ve never been very athletic. fashion. forensics. whatever else it is the high school has. i would have liked eatinf lunch with friends and sitting with friends on break. i would have liked putting effort into things. maybe if i had gotten to go to school, i would be happy. maybe i wouldn’t have started cutting myself and developing maladaptive daydreaming and an eating disorder and stuff. i dunno.
one of my formerly closest online friends stopped talki mg to me out of nowhere in december. it makes me sad but also angry, because there was no communication on her end butbshe was still interacting with posts and other frienfs. imm so useless, i can&4 even keep online friends!! she was going to help me figure out college stuff . i don’t know if i’ll go toncollege, i feel useless and bad because im 19 ajd only work part time and im not in school ornworking towards anything, but i don’t care to work towards anything anymore. i’m only still alive because i’m scared to kill myself.
