#long vent

hi guys. so i know i randomly went inactive for like 3 weeks on here and didn't say anything about it. i know it was very sudden, but there are multiple reasons i'd like to share. i wasn't purposely ghosting you guys or anything i just needed some time to myself.

so the first reason was my mental state. i mean for a while i haven't been feeling the best but recently it's been getting worse. like wayyyy worse. i haven't told anyone as to not worry them but it got to the point where i was planning on attempting on multiple ocassions. i didn't end up doing it though because i was kind of scared. idk of what.

another reason was i would get into many many fights with my parents. i love them so much but they never really understood me, and when they try i get my hopes up and then get let down because they just ignore me for their work or 'they need to go do something.' they always say that. and then they put me in things and make me do things without my consent and they've been doing this for YEARS but with everything else going on it just felt worse. i hope i don't sound spoiled or anything, i don't mean to give off that vibe.

and i also went inactive because of my gender. (might suprise yall since i probably seemed very cis lol). i was actually questioning my gender for quite a while, i never really felt fully like a girl or anything even since i was little. i thought i was a demigirl from like december to january, and then in february i was like 'i think there's more to it' and then march i kind of just freaked out. i also never grew up learning about LGBTQ+ and my parents/family are very homophobic so i couldn't ask them. after LOTS and LOTS of research i found the term 'demifluid' where one part of your gender stays the same and the other part is fluid and i'm so happy i did because i finally found something that fit me. it was a huge weight lifted of my chest and i'm very happy to share this with you guys. (also i'm bisexual and panromantic and aceflux so yay!!) (uh also changing my pronouns to she/they/he/fae/lotus/red but you don't have to use the neos you can just use she/they i'm completely fine with that!!) and if you guys want you can call me noa, i'm still okay with fifi but you can use both, it's just a new name i found that i like and it's similar to my actual name so yea

back to the topic of my parents, as you may know, my immune system is weak af. and as you also may know i would get VERY sick VERY regularly. i didn't get sick again but i would get these horrendous headaches that made me so dizzy i could barely walk in a straight line. i even fainted on tuesday (for like 2 minutes then i woke up and i was so weak so i fell asleep for 15 mins). these headaches would also happen sometimes in class, or even at home. i have always been extremely sensitive to being overstimulated so it's been happening a lot more and i would get extremely tense. even when i told them, my mom always said 'is it the same sickness as before? no? okay you'll be fine stop exaggerating.' and my dad would just not care. on tuesday (the day i fainted), i take a class outside of school, and i was telling my parents i couldn't go because i felt extremely weak. they still made me go and when i came back i still had homework do to. i was really burntout and almost fell asleep like 5 times trying to work. i wish they listened to me more. i know they mean well and all, but they don't really try to hear my side of the story and just blame me most of the time.

this is in no way any of your faults. you are all so special to me and i'm so grateful to have friends like you guys, i trust you guys more than so many people i've known for years and you all have your own place in my heart. thank you so much for being my friend and respecting me more than most people i know ever would. i love you all so so so much.

you can ask questions if you want. i feel really bad for leaving unnanounced and i'll do anything (with some exceptions guys be fr) to make up for it. thank you for reading. love you guys <3

Originally when I first posted about my crk au, it caught the attention of this person and they sent an idea in my ask box, and I thought it was kind of them. I was still in the extreme rough drafts and outlines of my au at this point, so I was grateful for the suggestion and even suggested that they should write their own au sometime as I also wanted to support and encourage fellow writers and creatives in the Crk fandom with my au. Eventually, we became mutuals and privately chatted about ideas for the story of my crk au.

It was nice talking to someone about my crk au, as I was quite nervous about posting any of my ideas out in the internet in general since this is my first time ever having a social media account where I post stuff and my drawings. But anyway, things took a turn when we were talking about fanmade first cookies for my au. Apart of the suggestion about making first cookies that were parents to gingerbrave gang, I was intrigued but not fully behind the idea. So I only took parts of the whole suggestion and added my own ideas (this is how my ocs First Flora, First Cheese, Giselle, Adeline, and Sage were created). But that's when they started to act weird, they keep suggesting over and over that I implement their whole idea into my au and framed in a way that implied my way of only taking pieces of it and putting my own ideas into it was poor writing. Even made a reblog post of my headcanons for the First Cookies, stating their own headcanons for them and the whole idea they suggest to me and framed it in a light that it was completely canon to my au, when it wasn't. That's when I first blocked them, but when an anonymous ask came in asking about it (I did not answer it btw) then I realized that I should've clarified my boundaries and my thoughts instead of blocking them. So I unblocked them and we talked it over, looking back at it I should've kept them blocked because they kept repeating this behavior over and over again.

The first time I noticed this repeated behavior is when they privately told me that storylines for Nutmeg Tiger, Black Sapphire, Candy Apple, Pavlova, Salt Cellar, and Kouign-Amann were "plotholes" even though the story was and still is in progress. I'm not going to post the full process of my story because I want the story itself to tell it. I told them this and we did get into a bit of an argument but we apologized and decided to take a break from each other.

Here's a bit of screenshots of how the conversation went (with their name cropped out since I don't want any harassment sent their way, and I've already blocked them for good as I'll explain later in this post):

I will admit that there were a few faults at my end such as my tone which I later reclarified how I felt and apologized for sounding too accusatory when I didn't mean to. But we went a separate ways and they stopped sending me ideas. Or so I thought.

On my ask blog @bubblygum-crkauasks, I recognized their style of writing on a few anonymous asks. Though I will admit it is pretty hypocritical that I did answer some but I only did it since some were actual questions about my au and I saw it as the same gist as always that I was allowed to use it or not use it, or take some pieces and mix my own thoughts with it. But then that behavior of being upset than their idea wasn't fully implemented into my au started popping up again. A prime example of this is from the comment they gave for this post from my ask blog where you can also see the reasons on why I didn't like that in my reply under the same post.

But the major problem is that this behavior kept repeating on my ask blog now, I got many asks reinforcing that I should've done something different based off things that are in their own ideas rather than what I actually established in my au or getting many repeated questions I should "really" implement this after not answering an idea they sent because I didn't want it. While these were all anonymous, like I said before I recognized the same style and tone of writing since I used to privately chat with them long ago. On an additional note, a different kind of anonymous asker came around, not to actually ask a question or suggest something about my au but rather tell me about a fan story that this person (the same one I'm talking in this post) made and allegedly just wanted my validation and attention so they can call it canon to my au (since they always used the word "probably" in their fanstory posts) or was just a big fan of this person, no hate to them and please do not try to find them out and send harassment their way. Though I did later make it so everyone can mention me so it was easier for this person and everyone else that is invested in my au to inform me of any fan stories o fanart they have of my au.

But all of this began to tire me out, it made me so frustrated, drained, paranoid, and even anxious whenever these kind of questions came into my ask blog's inbox. It made me think back and forth about closing the ask blog for a long time and I was slowly even starting to lose interest in my au. I also had to stop myself from staying up late, worrying about these things, but that more related to my issues with anxiety as someone who’s autistic than what we're talking about right now. But I kept telling myself that if I just edit some responses, check their blog, and delete those kind of questions I'll be fine.

But then they made a crk fanfic idea post, and the last idea was a blatant rip-off of my au. Now, before you call me overreactive, I know the idea of a crk au having a new set of ancients and/or the Beasts having children isn't exclusively my idea there are plently of crk aus that use this premise. But this last idea was an practically an exact copy of my au but with their ideas that I didn't go with.

As shown in the screenshot below:

And the thing is they mentioned me in their post, and the only reason they don't see it as stealing is because they gave some ideas for my au. I absolutely do not find this as a justification nor okay at all. This crossed the line and it feels like entitlement to me just because I took some of their ideas (even though I have my own ideas and some of my other mutuals gave me their own ideas). Plus those mutuals understand that just because they gave some ideas for my au doesn’t mean they can't necessarily those ideas anymore because now they’re apart of my au now but that I will give credit to them.

Also while I love that people find my au interesting and that they also would like their ideas to be implemented, I also want there to be boundaries place and respect for my own ideas if I don't go with everyone else’s suggestions for my au.

Now to truly show my frustrated feelings, I find it very ironic that:

1. This person said they were okay if I didn't go with one of their ideas.

2. That they clarified that they weren't trying to steal my au when I didn't convey the right tone when shared my issues with that kind of behavior.

Only to do the opposite of the first thing, constantly reminding to get me to go with their ideas even though I decided to not accept it in private and being impatient about it. And practically do the second thing, stealing the most of premise of my au and serving it as their own idea, but I won't mind if they did their own new ancients and if the beasts had kids au if it wasn't mostly a copy of my au. In fact I already knew they had plans for their own crk AUs, I'm just merely upset that they practically copied my own Au for what seems like just because I didn’t go with some of their ideas.

I only blocked them, not because of any malice, it's just that I repeatedly told them that I was uncomfortable with that kind of behavior, only for them to keep repeating it over and over again. It’s to the point I believe that they’ve developed a bit of a toxic attachment to my au (allegedly, this purely from what some of their posts come across as).

I was also told once that they helped others with their crk aus, only to find nothing of the sorts in their archive as I only found credited reposts of other people's art from X/Twitter, therefore it's only my au they've given ideas to, and it’s made me feel uncomfortable long enough.

Now, I know that not everyone is going to like this post and some may even call me ungrateful and overdramatic for blocking them when they didn't do anything that was extremely wrong like harassing me or stalking me. But I genuinely do not want this person to be involved or know anymore about my au. It caused so much unnecessary stress to my mental health and even began sour my attitude towards my own au.

That’s the end of the vent. Sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable, and if you decide to unfollow or even block me too I understand. I’m also sure that this person isn’t bad, despite my own frustrations with them. It’s just that I don’t feel entirely comfortable with that person anymore. I also personally don't know this person and I've never met them in real life, so even I don't know what they're entirely like. So I understand if a few people don't take this serious or call me immature for blocking them.

This post is also not to discourage anyone from following them or liking their content, I just want to say that I permanently no longer have any connection to this person and that they’ve done things that I am not okay with such as disguising their “own canon” of my au to criticize somethings in my au even though I didn’t establish anything of the sorts (which is something they’ve done a lot despite me telling them over and over again that I’m not comfortable with it) and that they practically copied most of au in their Crk fanfic ideas (though feel free to call them out on that politely, I don't want any harassment sent in my name.)

I also will not let this affect any writing when it comes to my au. Despite it being mentioned in this vent, this only was only mentioned to due with me and this person talking about it. Nothing else.

When I look at myself, I see a body bridled with fatigue and pain. The fatigue is chronic, the pain is chronic, there's no cure. You have to manage it, your doctor says. Your cardiologist says. Your therapist says. You have to take charge of your own health. You wind up becoming your own caretaker. The light in your eyes has dimmed and your bones are weary and you're burnt out from taking charge and caretaking your sickly body.

But no one comes to help, and no one is coming to save you. You reckon with that revelation and see that you're left behind. By your family, by society, by your friends. If you can't keep up with the world, the world won't bother to pick you up and carry you with it. You are the only one who can help yourself. There is no community for the disabled. There is no love for the disabled. You are told to care for yourself and only you. But you have no energy for caretaking. You have no energy to drag your legs, with their tight muscles and burning skin, to the kitchen to fill up your water bottle and make breakfast. Your mind is full of thick fog that obscures your ability to think and solve questions and comprehend academic material, you leave your assignments to rot.

Your grades drop down, down, down, and you tell yourself "I'll complete them later" but later never comes and the grades drop lower, lower, and lower. No one checks up on you. No one is coming to save you. The world tells everyone to move on and not look back on the past. You are the past. You're stagnant in a body unchanging. You will not be rescued. Your fantasies of someone turning back to pick you up are only fantasies. People like progress, you aren't progressing. Individualism hates people like you, people who call out for community and support. Your suffering is yours and you only have yourself to blame.

The seasons change and your health fluctuates. But you still feel sick, you still feel like your body is wrong. It is. You daydream of a relationship. A partner who would stay. A partner who would support you unconditionally. But you don't have desirable qualities. You aren't adventurous or thrive on spontaneity. Dates would fall apart from unpredictable episodes and flare ups. No one wants to be a caretaker, especially for someone who can't even help themselves. You tell yourself you wouldn't force your partner into that role, but they would see it like that. You're a pity case and a burden. You can't even help yourself, why would someone help you?

So, you ignore your fantasies of romance, you think of what else exists for you to hold onto. Your future? You can barely progress academically; how would you progress your career? What about your friends? You can barely schedule hangouts. You're so low on energy and already have to stretch it out through the week.

You're weak, and you know this. Your body and mind are weak from the constant exhaustion and daily excruciating symptoms that prevent you from meaningful rest.

So you lie back down in your bed, the mental spiral keeping you in the same melancholic state you were in prior and you doomscroll Instagram reels. Your water bottle is empty and your stomach is growling and your mind is crying for sunlight and a warm shower to relax the pain shooting through every nerve.

But you have no energy, so you stay put.