Sea Spaghettis: a ranked list
Blue whale, aka big linguine:Β Large And In Charge. Biggest of the seaghettis and possibly the biggest anoodimal to have ever lived. Likes a krill. 9.9/10, very little room for improvement. (image source)
Fin whale, aka large pasta:Β Plays second-fiddle to the other big guy. Lead vocalist for Dubstep. Couldnβt decide whether it wanted its lower jaw to be black or white, so it went with one on each side; fickle. 8/10, should try harder (image source)
Sperm whale, aka funky fettuccine:Β Stupidly big head. Only has teeth on its bottom jaw, like a total idiot. Known for its deep dives, but the Cuvierβs beaked whale actually dives even deeper. 1/10, The worst noodle. (image source)
Minke whale, aka angelhair noodles:Β The smallest of the seaghettis. Has excellent fashion sense. GoesΒ βpew pewβ. 8.8/10, needs to tell me where it shops for fingerless gloves. (image source)
Humpback whale, aka The Flying Farfalle:Β The only sea spaghetti who doesnβt skip arm day. Known for its majestic leaps and songs, both of which are assumed to be for lady-wooing, but neither of which has been proven. 9/10 a classic favorite. (image source)
Thatβs all Iβve got for now, but there will be more in the future.
More sea spaghettis for you!
Right whale, aka rough ramen:Β Individuals can be identified by patches of ashy skin on their face, calledΒ βcallositiesβ. Prefers to live near the coasts instead of open waters. Has bigger balls than a blue whale, literally. 6/10, needs to get that whale lice treated. (image source)
Killer whale, aka deceptive macaroni:Β Intensely social with complex culture, hunting techniques, and vocalizations. One of the few nonhuman animals to experience menopause. Is secretly a dolphinoodle. 9.5/10, only lost points for not technically being a seaghetti. (image source)
Bowhead whale, aka lonely linguine:Β Only inhabits freezing Arctic waters. Lifespan may exceed 200 years, making it the longest-lived mammal known to man. Difficult to study. 7/10, needs to turn that frown upside down.
Grey Whale, the friendly tortiglioni. The only true whale to be taken off the endangered species list! Protected and super friendly to tourists in the gulf of Mexico where they go to give birth. Likes to take long tours up and down the American coast. 9/10, maybe needs to tone it down with the tourist baiting.
Beluga Whale, aka rotund cannelloni
Lives in the arctic, eat a wide variety of foods, and often called the canary of the sea. 6/10 1 point taken off for often being weirdly bumpy and ripped like a kangaroo, 3 points taken off for getting the fucking Marine Land song stuck in my head every single time
Narwhal (or narwhale), aka the mysterious Fusilli
Famous for its tusk, which is an overgrown canine tooth that people used to sell as βunicorn horns.β Some say the tusk is for fighting, some theorize that the many tiny holes in it detect ocean salinity, but overall we really donβt know much about them. The goth cousin of the beluga. 7.5/10 because itβs cool but a total copy-cat!
