Man of the Desert & Beauty of the Sea

Blue whale, aka big linguine: Large And In Charge. Biggest of the seaghettis and possibly the biggest anoodimal to have ever lived. Likes a krill. 9.9/10, very little room for improvement. (image source)

Fin whale, aka large pasta: Plays second-fiddle to the other big guy. Lead vocalist for Dubstep. Couldn’t decide whether it wanted its lower jaw to be black or white, so it went with one on each side; fickle. 8/10, should try harder (image source)

Sperm whale, aka funky fettuccine: Stupidly big head. Only has teeth on its bottom jaw, like a total idiot. Known for its deep dives, but the Cuvier’s beaked whale actually dives even deeper. 1/10, The worst noodle. (image source)

Minke whale, aka angelhair noodles: The smallest of the seaghettis. Has excellent fashion sense. Goes “pew pew”. 8.8/10, needs to tell me where it shops for fingerless gloves. (image source)

Humpback whale, aka The Flying Farfalle: The only sea spaghetti who doesn’t skip arm day. Known for its majestic leaps and songs, both of which are assumed to be for lady-wooing, but neither of which has been proven. 9/10 a classic favorite. (image source)

Right whale, aka rough ramen: Individuals can be identified by patches of ashy skin on their face, called “callosities”. Prefers to live near the coasts instead of open waters. Has bigger balls than a blue whale, literally. 6/10, needs to get that whale lice treated. (image source)

Killer whale, aka deceptive macaroni: Intensely social with complex culture, hunting techniques, and vocalizations. One of the few nonhuman animals to experience menopause. Is secretly a dolphinoodle. 9.5/10, only lost points for not technically being a seaghetti. (image source)

Beluga Whale, aka rotund cannelloni

Lives in the arctic, eat a wide variety of foods, and often called the canary of the sea. 6/10 1 point taken off for often being weirdly bumpy and ripped like a kangaroo, 3 points taken off for getting the fucking Marine Land song stuck in my head every single time

Narwhal (or narwhale), aka the mysterious Fusilli

Welcome MerMay!

Could we get a tiny dragon?