do you Smell that?

i feel like this year has been terrible

and terrible for so many others

i want to break down, but i can’t

i pick up all my things and

just

keep

going

and i’m over it

And it wasn’t a big deal, we were smoking a joint, you know, as the kids do

But my hands were aggressively clammy and I accidentally ashed it onto your jacket

Your work shirt was tighter than normal, it looked good on you, you’ve looked good all week

And the way you were sitting, I don’t know, it was attractive

Everytime we interact, I have to laugh at myself, look at myself in the mirror and say, “He’s just being nice, he’s not flirting with you”

And I wish it were that easy

But you look at my lips when we speak, you text me back immediately (half the time), you sit too close and you’re always too close

It might be the 40 hour work week that makes me so goddamn attracted to you

But have mercy

I wonder if you know

I’ve been trying to shake off this crush for months now

Into a whole other place

I feel like shaving my hair off and ripping my skin off and starting fresh

I feel like batting my eyes at boys at the bar and making them cum with just a lick

I want to snort vapid amounts of cocaine to the point I can’t breathe

I want to pass out in a ditch and wake up to the police asking me if I’m okay

I want to live recklessly

do you ever look at me the way that i look at you

you probably don’t think of me in that way but boy, your eyes on my lips they stay when we talk real real real close

10 minutes til’ we close 15 after we close 30 after we close

so maybe this feeling’s not right i’m not an idiot i would never cross that line over into you and i

maybe in another life it could go that way but i don’t think you’d exist in that world of mine

sometimes i cannot stop thinking of you in that way it kind of makes me sick every night and day

she says you makes makelaugh so i guess i see why and besides this lil’ tune is not about my guy

so maybe this feeling’s not right i’m not an idiot you’d never cross that line

my jaw feels heavy

like that medication numbness you get from marijuana or going under when you get your wisdom teeth pulled out

it’s like i’m constantly making decisions

being a respective adult, being a good person, waking up to go to work to go home to die

and I’m nauseated with myself,

wasn’t it just easier to bottle everything in? isn’t it better when other people aren’t seeing me struggle?

i’m tired and i feel like i am floating away into outer space without having a chance

when will I shake this off

the way that you looked in your new dress

made me so fucking

wet

i didn’t mean to look, swear i didn’t stare

but i’ll remember the way your hair fell ‘cross the skin of your shoulder

oh woah

baby please just keep this secret

baby please stop crying over her

please just keep this secret

bring it to the

No baby I don’t feel a thing

Sorry to sound a bit calloused

But maybe this was just a dream

No it didn’t mean anything

No baby I don’t feel a thing

No it didn’t mean anything, yeah

It was all just fever dream

No it didn’t mean anything

No baby I don’t feel a thing

Sorry to sound a bit calloused, yeah

and, fuck it—I guess.

there is no point in being in love with the idea of you anymore.

why are you still on my bones, then

you’re stuck to my brain like insanity; i can’t breathe whenever i get high because it’s you you you You always you

and it probably didn’t mean anything to you

i’m sorry that i keep making it about you, because it was me that was spinning around to start seeing the other LOML

me me me always me—i am a

victim? always? Even though I have a mean streak, mean mean—like an evil in onyx and reds and a sliver of royal blue sapphires

it was never you

But why am I still heartbroken? Why am I still angry? What the hell, what the fuck, I can’t do anything without

you grabbed me by my knees and you dragged me across fields, bridges, streets, oceans, and threw me over the cliff, making me fall hopeless and unbearably in love with you--

i’d wake up in the mornings to you spooning me with your mouth close to my ear, breathing heavy hot dragon’s breath on my skin--and you’d pull me closer into your home of a body; and i’d smile real big-- 

and sometimes--i don’t know--

maybe i’m looking at you sluggishly grab your shit and put it in a backpack and running away, angry over food? boringly passing cards back and forth for each other, hoping for a good hand or a good play to come along, and it’s nonsense, it’s like watching my life pass by and i cannot keep up--

at those moments--

it feel like i have to choose--and how unfortunate, it is--that maybe, i’m choosing more often than i don’t--?