you taught the dog to bite

discovering new things about your abuse is not for the weak. new nightmares and memories r horrid

fucking embarrassing god i HATE beta programming im killing myself TONIGHT

yet again i will say having such intense callback programming without anything to go back to feels sooo pathetic and awful like fuck. FUCK.

i started this account when more intense memories and feelings were coming up and i didn't even want to call myself a programming survivor, or even ramcoa survivor. well fuck me i guess that's all out the window huh. ive made some progress with identifying and mapping that part of the system but occasionally everything falls apart. "you have to get worse before you get better" is really hitting recently

fuck fuck fuck, i feel like I'm regressing progress, or maybe this is on purpose, I don't know, i don't have to use that name anymore, I don't have to do these things, but yes I fucking do

Were there more? I'm not sure. I can't be. They're only flashes of memories in an otherwise dark room. Is it true? Is it fake? There's no proof. There's never proof.

there's something so surreal about seeing an old picture of myself during times I don't remember and just. Seeing the sadness and defeat in my eyes. like Wow, this pic of me in 6th grade is crazy