Welcome to Me

Happy Saturday! Just sitting here listening to Taylor Swift's "Blank Space" feeing the vibes at 9:30pm. I'm feeling inspired to work on my Science Fiction story. I've written several notebooks full of stories. I'm talking book 1, 2, 3... I don't know what happened. Somewhere between high school and college I lost my drive. I wonder if I was subconsciously loosing my drive for my hobbies as "reality" was setting in. I'd always been good at school. Pleasing my mom and receiving praise was what drove me. Was it a sense a superiority, a lack of self-esteem that compliments temporarily bandaged, or both that made being "perfect" my motivating force? Whatever the case, once I had met my 'one track mind' goals of going to college and graduating with a degree, I was empty. After all that time, I realized that it was not the answer to my questions. The praise had turned into full on expectations of me as an adult. Neither my once praised intelligence or degree offered me the answer to my many questions. Life was no longer planned; life was just happening, and I had to take the driver's seat. The autopilot was forever broken and relying on it would only lead me to being a disappointment to the pedestal I had fully accepted. The old me would be shocked and secretly proud at what she had been able to do. The me now is just trying to rediscover why I should be proud of myself. The me now is just trying to reject other's opinions of my life and decisions. I'm not a religious woman, but I am a woman of faith. I say this because I know that God will help me as he always has. I've felt his presence so profoundly a few times in my life, but those are stories for another day. (Ending my post listening to "Callaita by Bad Bunny & Tainy")