#findingme

So, I decided to check out a movie that I had seen a preview for. It was very impromptu. I was working and it was the end of my shift. I threw my work backpack in the backseat of my SUV and walked into the theater chugging both my phones. I checked out some final messages from work and didn't even bother to pick up my phone when it fell under the seat until after the credits were rolling. I was trying to make sure I had on the perfect outfit, perfect hairdo and perfect makeup. I decided to watch Crime 101, a new Halle Berry flick, that turned out being a great choice. I felt so good afterwards. A plus was that as I was leaving, there was a premier that was ending and out walked none other than Tyriq Withers and Maika Monroe. There were too many people trying to get a photo opp but I think I would have been too tired to try if there weren't.

I was glad that I got right to it. I had some good sleep that night.

I thought dealing with the past was hard,  Until I had to face the here and now.  Trying to make sense of the tragedy  Was like digging my own grave—  But the present is far more terrifying.  When I faced the trauma, it took everything I had.  It stripped me bare, down to my core.  A new kind of coldness crept in—  Because carrying my pain had kept me warm.  Not healthy, but familiar.  Passion…

I have lost myself, trying to find you.

I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person I used to be.

In the last year (From November 2021- until now) I have been through quite a lot. Maybe not a lot compared to others standards... but A LOT for me. 

Starting off, I was not fond of the idea of turning 30. I felt like I had accomplished absolutely nothing in my life. Unmarried. Still single. No kids. Still live at home. The only real thing that I feel I have done is graduate college. [Miami University, is still to this day one of my favorite places to be. Campus is my happy place. My home away from home.] I fell into a deep depression. 

Around this time, an unexpected person popped back into my life after 15 years. My middle school best friend. He and I always had a thing for each other, it just never worked out for us. One of us was always dating someone and we honestly didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship over it. He was going through a divorce, I was going through a deep, dark and scary time period, yet somehow we still couldn’t stay away from each other. Nothing ever happened physically, but emotional, we had formed a connection. I fell. Hard. Even against my better judgement. Neither one of us was in a good headspace. He walked away. It killed me, but now looking back on it, I know he did it to protect me. 

However, it sent my already fragile mental health into a tailspin. (and yes, I can hear the hate now, “never fall for a married man”, yes I know that, but against my better judgement it happened. Or “Never let a man bring you down like that” or “You’re a strong beautiful woman, I cannot believe you let someone do that to you.” Trust me, I know all of this) I was depressed. I was in a very low, low, and dark scary place. 

If it wasn’t for my bestfriend and God-given angel, I am sure I would still be sitting in that dark scary place. But she was there. Everyday. Somedays she would send me a different dad joke or funny meme every 20 minutes and some days she would literally come and lay on my floor with me all day. Saying nothing and just holding my hand. Then, it got to a point she started making me do things. She would randomly show up and make me shower and then whisk me off to a new book store. Or take me to lunch. Or just make me sit outside for half an hour. 

In April 2022, I started to feel myself come out of this foggy scary place. 

In June 2022, I lost my best friend. She passed away unexpectedly. 

I couldn’t function for an entire month. I am not saying I am functioning now, but I am getting better at pretending to be okay. Most mornings I still wake up and start crying because I instantly think of her. In the immortal words of Samantha Jones, “We made a deal ages ago. Men, Babies, It doesn’t matter. We’re Soulmates.” That was us. Her husband even nicknamed me, “Side Chick” because it was always us. 

I mourned. Now, I am trying to move on. 

Me sitting here in my dark and scary place, wallowing and not living life would PISS HER OFF! I can feel her spirit haunting me, mad about the way I am living (or in this case, not living) my life. She wouldn’t want this for me. 

This also feels like a good place to decide what I actually want. Not what other want for me. Not pieces I thought would be good for me back then, but aren’t actually serving me now. I have felt an entire shift in myself. Like the Taylor Swift song says, “The Old Taylor can’t come to the phone now. Why? Because she’s dead.” My soul feels like it has shed a skin, and it’s not the same anymore, it’s completely new. Completely renewed. 

I am so looking forward to finding out who this new me is, and this is where I am going to document that journey. Plus on my youtube channel.