☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾

Today, I finally have time to sit down proper with her and shared some chats. She asked ‘do you remember Mrs Khoo?’

I replied ‘yea of course! Why?’

Grandma said ‘she has passed on’.

I went ‘what...when?’

‘Last month’ she said.

At this point, I was wondering to myself if there was a reason why I was feeling uneasy the last 1 to 2 months. In the sense that I was having some strange dreams and feeling particularly sad when I see the elderly.

‘She had cancer related to the kidney (most likely) and passed on. Her elder sister was the only person who could arrange her final journey cos her children and grandchildren couldn’t return because of covid and the quarantine measures. Her grandchildren are in the US.’

‘Oh, why didn’t I hear about it earlier? Are her children in Singapore?’

‘Yea...’

‘Is that why you asked me about what you asked two days ago?’

‘Yea, I’m unsure which body part that is and Mrs Khoo’s sister is also English educated and could only tell me briefly in mandarin what it was. I think she is unsure how to say it in mandarin herself too.’

‘I think it’s related to the kidney. Maybe she didn’t go into details’

‘Yes perhaps...’

And we just sat in silence for awhile.

I went on ‘Didn’t I speak with Mrs Khoo about 1-2 years ago?’

Grandma went ‘yes...’

For context, Mrs Khoo lives in Penang, Malaysia while her children have relocated to Singapore for two decades or so GM. I felt a sudden rush of sadness.

Nearly 2 years ago, she chatted with my grandma over the phone and asked how the entire family is doing. She asked for me and said she would love to see me soon. I wasn’t home at that point of time and some time later, grandma and her spoke over the phone again. This time, I was around and managed to speak with Mrs Khoo. I was elated! It has been more than 20 years since I last spoke with or seen her but I always remember her and Mr Khoo (her husband). I was about 4-5 years old then but I remember the family friends, and friends of my grandma. Mrs Khoo was always calm, friendly and affable.

She asked, ‘Yen, how are you doing?! I haven’t seen you in so long! Heard from grandma you have returned from Australia. Are you well? Hope to see you and your family soon. Let me know whenever you are in Malaysia. Mrs Khoo misses you.’

It was nice to hear her voice once again. I felt really touched, and told her I still remember her and wish to visit her some time as well. It will be nice to catch up.

Often people think I like going out alone...shopping, going to the cafe, for coffee, for groceries, because whenever they see me at these places, I’m in fact alone. Of course I don’t like doing things alone. Of course it’s nice when you have company to head to the city together, or to grab a drink together. I am a normal human, I consider myself to be relatively independent, but that doesn’t mean I like doing things alone- yes, that includes going to gigs. But the truth is it’s hard to find that one or two friends who are willing to do these stuff with you. I could easily ask YY or J when they were still around, but since they have graduated, it’s really hard. There are friends who have formed their circle of ‘shopping friends’, the ‘grocery friends’, so its kinda hard to jump in; and of course there are the ‘couple friends’ who are well, doing all these things together and I would feel bad third-wheeling. 

I can't help but to recall how some people would ask me "how's the crowd at Soundwave" and stuff like that; be concerned about brawls and stuff. I always have to tell them like nope, I think the crowd at EDM festivals can be more rowdy than Soundwave's. I mean crowd at Soundwave can be pretty rowdy, but that's only in the mosh pit. If you want to get into the mosh pit, you have to be prepared to get injured (so no one's fault there, but still, look out for all y'know). People enjoy the music (hard) and help one another out. When someone falls, another picks him/her up. Vocalists on stage would remind everyone to look out for one another as well. I have been looked out for, several times by strangers at Soundwave. Being pulled back when everyone else around me starts to form the circle pit, being helped to get to the front cos I'm small etc. Oh, not to forget, Soundwave is all-ages, so I guess that explains the less rowdy crowd as well. 

Things were created to be used.