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shout out to the patient I called to remind to pick up their medication, whose voicemail message was “HEWWO? HEWWO?? WHO IS THIS??? WEAVE A MESSAGE” that rang out throughout the whole pharmacy, killing me instantly

seduce me with ur history knowledge 

vikings made their woman handle the finances because they thought math is witchcraft

Tiggers gotta bounce if he wants to taste that honey

Please receive Christ

i can so relate to this , 

I’m 21 and I am just now seeing a snake drink water for the first time…

mountain dew doesn’t feel like a soda you can order at a restaurant. you can’t sit down at a restaurant, ask for a mountain dew, and then sip it out of a glass cup. it’s like you either have to get it at taco bell or you have to get a 2 liter of it and drink it right from the bottle. there are no other options for mountain dew. 

this is such a bad product. you might have temporary control over your tot but youre just going to make it stronger. whats worse than an uncontrollable baby? an uncontrollable baby who has never missed leg day and could kill you with one kick

WEIGH YOUR INFANT DOWN WITH ＳＹＲＵＰ

“Just wait till I take off my weighted armor”