valerie

this is pretty much a virtual diary/archive of my thoughts and whatever my interests are at the moment so don’t expect a single theme lol it just is what it is

ABOUT ME: she/her, ‘03 baby (i don’t feel like updating my age every year y'all are gonna have to do the math)

DNI: minors, general assholes

some of my interests that you’ll probably see on here most consistently include:

anime/manga (mainly sailor moon, chainsaw man, nge)

books/whatever i’m reading at the moment (you can find my goodreads here)

academia/girlblogger/whimsigothic aesthetics

music: currently a weird mix of 60s/70s rock, jazz standards, golden age musical theatre, and goth (spotify)

psychological horror/general mindfuck movies

anything watcher (mainly ghost files and puppet history)

i haven't felt consistently this shitty since middle school. i don't know what's wrong with me. i spent the entire time we were at my aunt's for christmas eve trying not to cry, and spent the entire car ride home silently crying in the back seat hoping my dad wouldn't notice.

nothing has felt real for a very long time now. i think the last time i actually felt any genuine emotion was when i saw jinkx on tour back in july. i'm just going through the motions and even that is hardly meeting the bare minimum. every day feels the same because every day feels like nothing.

i don't like that i'm 20 now. 20 is too old to still feel like a little kid on the inside. i'm running out of time to grow up. i want my mommy but i don't know if my mommy is ready to bear the burden i've become.

i feel like esther from the bell jar (see the fig tree analogy).

i don't feel real. i feel like i don't exist - not in my own life, not in anyone else's. i'm just an outside observer, bashing her head against the glass trying to join in but no one sees her. or maybe they do but no one cares enough to open the window.

i've decided i don't like my online friends and i don't think my real life friends like me. i want to just disappear, go somewhere else, start an entirely new life from scratch, but i feel like i'm trapped. i don't want to be this person anymore or live this life. it's too complicated.

I had never thought

About what lies beyond

The Garden I once called

'Home'

I'd always assumed

I would stay there forever

Living in paradise

Safe and sound

Yet as I take in

My brand new surroundings

I can't help but notice

How cold it is here

Standing alone

With nothing to cover me

Aside from the hands

I was given by God

To think the same Lord

That was once so kind

Could be so vicious

And cruel

As to cast me from grace

For one simple mistake

Made under guidance