Untitled

I have more or less been sleeping with my now boyfriend of 3 years for the past 12. He's dated other people and so have I. When I think about him with someone else I get a sick feeling in my stomach, a sour taste in my throat. I become hostile towards him even though I'm aware of how ridiculous I'm being. I know this is toxic but I'm just being honest. That being said, it's very confusing to me that when I masturbate my mind goes to thinking about my bf sleeping with other girls and I'd try to force my thoughts in a different direction, which ultimately would just result in an anxiety inducing dummy mission and a dead vibrator. But as of a few days ago, for some reason I just went with it and ended up cumming multiple times within ten minutes to the thought of him fucking some girl. And I have everyday since then.