All Of Me

My doctor and his nurse haven’t seen me in months but have also been the only people who have made me feel like a human. Like a living person. Simply by remembering something about me. The two people I never would have expected to remember anything about me decided to do so.

The alternative? People I’m around constantly. My family. Can’t remember anything. I’m not a person to them. They don’t remember I exist until they need something from me.

These people are supposed to love me and clearly don’t.

Even shittier, I can’t afford to live on my own. I have no friends. I can’t leave and they all know it.

I can’t check myself into a hospital because that would be attention seeking and selfish because of everything else going on in our family.

This was a day a few years ago I felt I could be myself- felt allowed to be myself and exist without feeling bad about it.

There was peace in that walk.

Journal entry

Spreading across my feet

Between my toes

Turning pink down the shower drain

It’s not enough

Never enough

I’ll never be clean of this ‘thing’ inside me

Clawing at me

Trying to break free

I want it to break free

The streams of red are supposed to help

They never do

Now bubbly red streams slide down

Soapy red bubbles