The real Catmasterfunk.

So, I have gone back and forth from fully shaved head to mohawk for about 20 years. I have gotten every kind of remark you can think of. From the Amtrak bus driver who asked me “Are you gay” without a single word of preamble, to the cancer patient who gave me a hug without a word.

A shaved head on a woman is a sort of message: “I am different.”

I know it can be terrifying for some, but I seriously do encourage all women straight or not, healthy or not, to do this once. It is liberating and enlightening in ways you cannot conceive. I am not joking. Even when it begins to grow back. Even for your closest relationships.

Case in point: my family just after I got engaged to be married to my physically male, non-binary husband.

Remember I have known this boy since the age of 11. Our parents were kind of like “Jesus Finally!” But one week after I got engaged, I shaved my head again because I’d had long hair for a bit and couldn’t deal anymore. I was with my mom, and she says to me “You cannot get married with a shaved head.” I asked why. She said “Please…the wedding is for me. Just be a girl for a short time. Please.” Promise me no shaved head and no combat boots.“

She was paying. I didn’t know what to say.

I never had a good relationship with my mother. It is better now, and there are reasons I would rather not hash out in public, but this…fucked me up. Because I was me, living alone, had a job and a partner, out of college. I was the person I wanted to be and just like that, it wasn’t good enough. From my mother.

It hurt. And a couple days later, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I went to my fiancé and I said, “Babe, mom says I have to grow my hair out.”

He was joking with me, trying to make me feel better. He said “It’s not hard to deal with long hair!”

I gave him a dirty look. “How would you know? You have never had long hair. I fucking hate long hair.”

He said, “If it will make you feel better, I will absolutely grow my hair out with you.”

“What? Like…our wedding is in two years!”

“Ok.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

And he did. He did. We got married with full heads of long gorgeous hair. He had his professionally curled the day of. I shaved mine off two days later. He…left his there for a few more years…well five more. And then he took me to a special salon where they donate the hair to cancer patients and hacked it off.

“Beauty” and the concept of “pretty” are cages. They are chains. I am a woman even if I am not female. I am powerful. I made a baby. I wrote books. I dealt with shit you wouldn’t believe. I married a person who is incredible. We have an amazing life. My hair has nothing to do with it.

This pride, if you dare, if you want to see what it is like to know yourself without all that societal bullshit, shave your head. Have pride in that which lies within. If you’re a guy? Grow it out. Do something that people would immediately assign to another gender.

Do it. You only live once. Don’t go to your death thinking “God I wish I had just been me.”

Be you.

John Lennon and Yoko Ono donating their hair to Michael X on the roof of Black House in Holloway Road, London on February 4, 1970 

London-based activist Michael X, reached out to John and Yoko after they made headlines for paying fines incurred by anti-apartheid activists who interrupted a rugby match between Scotland and South Africa. Inspired by the gesture, Michael asked John and Yoko to support the Black House, a home for disadvantaged youth in London. Having recently cut off their hair, they offered to exchange it for a pair of Muhammad Ali’s boxing shorts The hair was intended to be auctioned off to support the Black House and the shorts being sold to raise money for John and Yoko’s peace campaign. 

John and Yoko’s donation didn’t seem to have much impact. The Beatles Bible notes that there was never any proof that they put their own proceeds toward the peace campaign, and the Black House closed before the end of 1970, later burning down “in mysterious circumstances.”

I see people on here all the time talking about buying sex toys on Amazon so it’s time to run through this again. I know it may seem like you’re saving money but when something seems too good to be true it usually is.

The main reason you shouldn’t buy sex toys on Amazon is that, unlike buying from reputable retailers, you have absolutely no garuntee that the product you’re buying hasn’t been used, returned, and resold. The sex you industy in America is almost completely unregulated so really can’t trust amazon to hold better business practices than legally required. People have found bodily fluid and pubic hair on toys purchased from Amazon.

The second biggest reason is that you’re more than likely buying an expensive knock off labeled as a brand name item. The way the amazon marketplace works is by sorting items with the same bar code name into the same catagory. So let’s say you want a wi vibe so you pay for one but what happens is that amazon doesn’t log a difference between a brand name Wi-vibe and a knock off from China. They’re both just labeled “wi-vibe” so you pay for a quality item and get a cheap knock off. So you may think you’re getting a high quality item for $50 but instead you’re getting a $10 look alike that will die and malfunction quickly. Imagine paying for a Lelo (the most luxury sex toy brand) and getting something nothing like that.

And lastly, it’s not safe for you! Because the chances of you getting a knock off are so high, it’s very likely that you’ll get something made out of harmful materials. A lot of the sex toys made cheaply in China and places like that have no body safe regulations on materials so not only could you pay for a brand name item and not get it , but you might actually get something that could make you sick or even poison you. Some toys will even leak oils and chemicals when exposed to water or fluids.

In summation, buying from Amazon is NOT safe for you, will most likely rip you off, and you could even be getting used products.

Below I’m listing Dangerous Lily’s list of best places to buy. I recommend reading her reviews before purchasing anything expensive.

Where to buy:

SheVibe

Early to bed

Smitten Kitten

Good Vibes

Come as you are

Be vibrant

HotOctopuss

G_d knows I want her to be free these next 10 years and live the good life.

Which I find extremely irritating because I ENJOY hearing about other people’s adventures, and when people are assholes, they are less likely to share said adventures in the future.

When buying succulents or houseplants from large chain stores like Lowe’s or Home Depot, be wary of product marketing schemes

Succulents:

Avoid any plant with glued on strawflowers (vibrant pink, red, orange or yellow plastic flower), most succulents and cactus take their sweet time blooming so don’t be fooled by the plant store’s cheap tricks 

Check to make sure the plant isn’t glued in! This goes for other houseplants too, if the rocks or gravel don’t move/you wouldn’t be able to get the plant out of the pot, don’t buy it. How will you even water it?

Don’t buy spray painted plants… DON’T BUY SPRAY PAINTED PLANTS. Super unhealthy for the plant and really tacky… No glitter either folks

Houseplants:

Check the soil and base of the plant for any kind of rot. If the soil seems really wet and parts of the plants feel squishy it’s probably not healthy..

Don’t buy Amaryllis dipped in wax… Seriously. Sure you “don’t have to water it!” but it’s also super unhealthy for the plant…

Always check the undersides of the leaves for any insect damage or any insects

If the plant just generally doesn’t look right (brown, discolored, yellowing middle) don’t buy it for full price, unless you have decent houseplant knowledge and know that the issue can be easily fixed

That’s the message a lot of these predatory types need to be getting: that people are not going to put up with the behavior. That would head off so much gross behavior: just knowing that the other men in the area don’t support you.