HANDS OF FATE

THIS BLOG IS MOVING.     specifically, it’s moving to four blogs. the first will be a new general multi, i’ll have a list below the cut of who i’m keeping and new muses as well. the second is peter pettigrew is being moved to the sideblog @betterrat which is housed off of @indelicateloathing. the third is a starkid/shipwrecked/tcb multi that’s much lower key and will be housed at @unstitchedtm. if you’re interested in the url to the new multi simply like this post and i’ll send it to you privately. the final is that salazar is being moved back to @shrevvdfenned.

KEPT.

giselle mary nemec ( oc ) / formerly @ethicalanarch luna lovegood ( canon divergent ) / private & on request fenrir greyback jeremy chetri ( canon divergent ) the beast ( oc ) benjy fenwick athena kellis ( oc ) ariana dumbledore / private & on request

NEW.

Its the silence that draws him up short - silence is never good - not when he goes off like this, not when anyone goes off like this. He’s experienced silence like this before - with his friends, it usually lead to him being cut into with barbed words, lining him up alongside Death Eaters and their ideology because his comments pissed someone off and the need to cut him down meant more than the need to yell at him. 

At home it was worse - silence like this lead to violence or comments so debilitating they left one crippled for days - and years could pass, and those words would crawl up in the strangest of places, haunting as they brutally rip open fragile scars once more. Silence in the face of frustration was dangerous - and he’d learned to heed it. 

Wariness kept him from going on - from saying more - and that alone was enough to let him review what he’d just said and recognize he was in for it. So - he was surprised, when instead of going for his throat, Peter aimed inward, and struck at a point in himself that Sirius hadn’t paused to consider. 

“No - that’s bullshit. You have magic - it doesn’t matter if it comes from one half, or from both, or from thin fucking air Peter. You’re one of us - even if you were Muggleborn - you’d still be a wizard at your core. Yeah - yeah there’s folks that think different on that score, but fuck them - fuck them, you’re one of us whether they like it or not.” 

He didn’t understand Muggles - he probably never would - but he understood magic - he understood the old ways, and protecting one’s brothers no matter their bloodline. It was the same all throughout the history of invasion - fraternities were born through certain similarities even if the nations were at war. It had always been that way, when it came to magic - unity was the only way to survive. 

“Maybe - maybe you feel more Muggle than wizard cause of how you’ve been raised - but if being a Muggle puts your life at risk and makes you feel like shit about yourself then what’s the point? It’s - its like me and my mom. She can’t accept me - so why should I let her control me? Why should Muggles have a say in who you are or - or who you’re attracted to - if you can walk away from them like I walked out on her?”

          ❛   it’s    not    that    simple.     ❜      peter wishes he could summon the will to defend his position with all teeth and anger, but his voice comes out small and quiet. it seems an impossible task to explain why abandoning his muggle heritage seems more a defeat to him than a victory. for all the pain it has wrought, he has been fiercely clinging to it in sheer defiance of those who have tried to make him feel small and inferior for it. 

          ❛     i    can    pretend    all    i    want,    doesn’t    make    it    go    away.    there’s    a    target    on    my    back    no    matter    where    i    piss    off    to.    muggles    aren’t    great    and    mum    might    have    rejected    me,    but    it’s    still    better    than    you    know    who    and    his    you   know    whats    finding   me.    it’s    not    like    like    pettigrew    has    much    of    a    bloodline    to    trace    back.     ❜     he hesitates to say the term ‘ death eaters ’ even as he can clearly picture the faces of several that tormented him through school. not to say he was entirely innocent in provocation, but there’s an undeniable truth to acknowledging muggle cities to be safer for those of a certain descent, even for someone of his predilections. he’s hidden it for nearly two decades, what’s a few more years ? what is a lifetime  in comparison ?  what end does it serve to make a stand for something so seemingly inconsequential when it could come at much too high a cost ?

“Merlin’s teeth!” The words spat out before he could maintain them - he knew he was supposed to be ( at least in face value ) supportive of Muggle rights but, “That’s bloody barbaric, not to mention fucked up - what right have they got to declare law on a person’s sexuality? How dare they? It’s none of their fucking business, now is it? Backwards cunts - “ 

As though realizing he was about to go on a diatribe worthy of his Uncle Cygnus, Sirius shot to his feet and began to pace, trying to hold it all in, trying ( and failing ) to understand how in the hell Muggles could function as a society if their governments were so twisted they focused on things like their people’s sexualities and imprisoned them for it - when there were real things to worry about, actual crimes to be considered! 

“And your mother thinks this way?” He suddenly barked, spinning on Peter and suddenly - horribly - registering some of the things his friend had been saying. It’s wrong - mom’s praying for me to change - I can’t fix myself  - “You think this way?” The words were sharp, and towering over Peter they probably weren’t all that comforting either, so much as threatening. 

“Fuck that. No - Peter, fuck that - Fuck Muggles, and fuck their backwards thinking - I don’t give a shit what James and Remus say, or you for that matter, there’s a reason wizardkind separated from them, and if those fucks want to make you feel wrong just for being you, then they don’t deserve to have you. You’re a wizard and Muggles can go fuck themselves. Don’t even go back to your apartment - just come stay with me and cut yourself clear of them!” 

        the fragile sense of safety shatters and evaporates in an instant at the sudden outburst. he might have seen this coming if he hadn’t allowed himself to become so consumed in his own thoughts and emotions. but he didn’t. instead he shrinks back in his seat.

          strange how sirius so very closely mirrors the pastor of his childhood in this moment despite the message being so utterly opposing. so few see the reflection in the dichotomy of muggle and wizarding societies. two sides of a coin, but none can see it as they are forced to utterly divorce the two between the statute of secrecy and blood supremacist ideals that are so uplifted in society. he might try to defend himself if not for his mother’s voice in the back of his head chiding him not to argue with the pastor. that men of god are not to be questioned for they answer to a higher authority than man and he is shaking.

          involuntary, he can’t help the physical reaction as his vocal chords seem to falter and freeze as he tries to say something, anything, to defend his own heritage. all that comes out is a rather quiet and pathetic in the face of sirius’ outburst. he doesn’t have a word he can truly say to defend them, for how is he meant to communicate that the church was also sanctuary. the place where they turned when they most needed a helping hand. a community that provided for them in their hardest times and that they had in fact been instrumental in sending him to hogwarts. not that they truly knew what they were contributing to, only that it was a boarding school his father had attended.

“Fuck off - you mean to tell me Muggle government gets involved?” Hell - he could just imagine the Ministry trying to impose any sort of law on relations - there were some, but most were tied to arrangements and the production of heirs - most legal matters surrounding interpersonal relations were fairly strict in regard to what could and could not be sanctioned. 

For the most part it all tied in to finances, the consequences of infidelity or divorce  ( the latter of which hadn’t been considered a viable option until long after Muggles had accepted it, and then only because of some political affairs where the choice was between divorce or a civil war if he remembered rightly ) and the positioning of assets as according to the amount of and gender of heirs. Families that signed into such contracts generally knew what they were doing and had clauses available for paramours provided there was a certain amount of discretion involved, but everything was always agreed upon by the patriarchs ( or in some cases, matriarchs ) of the clans in question, so it was only ever a Ministry matter if someone tried to cheat the marriage agreements. When it came to general relations, and to marriages that didn’t have contracts - well it wasn’t the Ministry’s business beyond registration and combination of assets - and even that could be managed through Gringotts if one wished to keep a union private for whatever reason.

Shaking his head, he found himself feeling bad for Peter - that was a level of control nobody should have to deal with, and one he couldn’t imagine a wizard ever accepting. There were many things the Ministry had right to dictate, but how one operated their personal life wasn’t among them unless said individual was a criminal offender - and even in that case, who they involved with personally was only monitored in the event of further law breaking, rather than through some arbitrary system of right and wrong in regard to sexuality. 

His attention drawn back to the conversation at hand, Sirius didn’t hesitate to point out, “You know if anything goes wrong with your current place, you can bunk with me. It’s not like we can’t transfigure the couch.” There might not be a lot of room at Sirius’ apartment, but that hardly meant Peter would have to rough it on the streets or anything. They’d figure something out, and they were wizards - it wasn’t like they couldn’t make things livable in the meanwhile. 

The line of questioning that followed took him by surprise, and at first he wasn’t sure if this was one of those situations where he would say the wrong thing just by stating what he understood to be fact, but at the end of it he supposed it didn’t matter. In this, he and Peter clearly had a fundamental clash in understanding, so - there was no point in hiding it.

“It’s not illegal among wizards - the Ministry’d be hard pressed to try anything like that - and while its not something that’s typically talked about in most circles, depending on who you talk to its not reviled either. You can’t even be removed from the family tree for it, and you know what my family is like,” He pointed out frankly, as if that explained everything somehow - and in a way it did. If it wasn’t an act abhorrent to the pureblood nature, then there was nothing wrong with it - at least not by Sirius’ understanding and upbringing on right and wrong. “We’re taught a bit of history on it - like the Sacred Band of Thebes and the benefits of pederasty which is still practiced by some families - so it’s understood to be a thing that happens, and provided one does their duty to the family and provides at least one heir, they are welcome to include a clause in their marriage agreement regarding paramours. So - “ Sirius shrugged, “I guess I just don’t see what the big deal is.” 

          ❛     used    to    be    life    in    prison,    that    only    changed    a    few    years    ago.    now    it’s    up    to    five    years    if    you’re    not    21.     ❜     he may not be a lawyer but he’s studied those bylaws so carefully that he could recite them on command if he felt so inclined, even if he’d been dragged to the protests against them at the tender age of 7. as if he hasn’t been indoctrinated so carefully to hate all that he’s grown to become by an institution more intimidating than hogwarts could ever manage to be in his eyes.

          there is a loss in being raised so wholly in one world, that always left him floundering and uncomfortable amongst those most like him. a fish that has been raised in a bowl does not understand how to survive in the sea. especially not so with the sudden changes back and forth. there is something surreal about spending months on end in hogwarts only to find himself in church for christmas mass. feeling at home and yet at a loss in both places for the harsh separation of the two worlds he’d only just begun to blend in his adult years. only the finest of ligaments connect two parts of an identity that may not be able to be reconciled. not any longer. not when the one who has been his most solid anchor has set him adrift without a heading.

          it’s difficult not to be envious of how easily it seems to come to sirius to accept and not revile. to believe it to be so simple when peter has struggled with this truth for as long as he can recall. the seriousness of the conversation is not lost on him, nor how uncharacteristic it is for them to speak on the matters of their cultural disparities or truly on most matters that can’t be brushed off with a joke or odd comment. is this what true acceptance is ? he’s heard of the concept, something that is meant to be without limit and yet that he has never felt. not in the eyes of his mother or god himself. but he was always hiding then wasn’t he ? secrets cannot be accepted so long as they are kept beneath the surface, and it is only as they are turned out that he finds that it is not so unconditional as he once thought. but maybe it can be. at least it’s a start.

There were a lot of things that Sirius did not understand about Peter - a lot of what he had come to understand about Muggles in a general sense had come from him and from his family’s point of view - the latter of which wasn’t particularly endearing. His Uncle Cygnus especially had instilled in Sirius a genuine fear - though it was one he had learned to question over time, this talk of churches turning and praying for a wizard to change brought up some sharp recollections of things his uncle had said about Muggles that made him a little uncomfortable. 

The whole reason wizards had gone into hiding in the first place was because of Muggles and their churches - it was a little alarming to think that Peter attended one of those, and that they were a threat to him in a very real way - churches had caused his mother to abandon him and they were all they had - or at least, that was what Sirius was starting to piece together. 

It was enough to understand that this wasn’t something Peter could fight - and that it was a mistake of the church, rather than of Peter’s existence. 

“Right - so - “ This was always where he got himself into trouble with his friends. He was a Black - whether they liked it or not his opinions were formed by a family steeped in ancient traditions, and not all traditions were good, and it generally took him some finagling to figure his way through the veritable gobstone field of differences. With Peter already in distress the chances of this blowing up in his face was pretty high in odds, but he needed to understand if he was going to be any use to his friend. 

“Let me - see if I have this straight,” Bad choice of words, he mused, but forged on anyway, “Your mom wrote you off - cause the church would go after her if they found out she had a son who was gay?” She was protecting herself and damning her son to do it - that stood pretty true for what the Blacks understood about Muggles, who historically slaughtered their own, especially if they suspected their own of witchcraft. So - extending that to having homosexual leanings - Sirius supposed it made sense in an awful kind of way - but it certainly didn’t endear Muggles, and it just made it even more confusing to him that his friends were so damned defense of them. If they threw their kids aside for something like this - could they really be called human? 

Shaking his head, Sirius raked a hand through his hair and opted to focus on something else before his family’s ideals got him in trouble again. “And - well I guess the next question is - what are you going to do?”

          ❛     it’s    more    than    that.    barely    even    legal    for    muggles,    church    just    happens    to    be    loudest    about    their    distaste.    ❜     it crawls uncomfortably beneath his skin like a parasite. something uncomfortable. he doesn’t know how to react to this. his mother’s reaction might have been expected, but not this subtle acceptance. not for a moment has sirius batted an eye about the seemingly root cause and it’s almost unnerving the way that it knocks him off balance for the stark contrast it presents from what he’s always known.

          he might not be a muggle but it’s what he’s always lived among, the culture he’s been steeped in since his father was interned to his grave at an age so young that it remains peter’s only memory of the man. pettigrew had never been a family with a true wizarding legacy, but he is the end of it no matter how weak it might have been. is he even a pettigrew anymore ? with his father gone and his mother’s disownment, he is the start and end of his own legacy. not even warranting of a footnote in history. there is similarity in the way that they’ve been raised to look back on years of tradition, but those of wizards and those written in scripture are an ocean apart. Two empires built on the backs of ancestors whose names were forgotten so long ago that they dare not be spoken lest they disrupt their rest.

Sirius might have barked back, had it not been for the words that followed. He wasn’t completely insensitive - and there was a time when his mom had meant the fucking world to him. Enough so that he shut up for once, letting the impact of what Peter had just said register before managing a quiet, “Fuck, Peter I’m - “ But he didn’t finish before the other went on to explain she wasn’t dead, she’d just written Peter off the way Walburga had written him off - which he could understand, being in the situation himself - but the part he didn’t get was the reason. 

“She - wrote you out cause you’re gay?” That didn’t make any sense - and it was because Sirius was so busy focusing on Peter’s mom and her strange actions that he completely missed his friend’s revelation in favor of trying to figure out what Mrs. Pettigrew’s problem was. “I don’t get it - it’s not like you have a legacy or anything, and even if you did paramours are common in pureblood circles, so what’s the issue? That’s an absolutely ridiculous reason to get rid of a son.” 

         the difference in cultures has always been a strange beast to try to conquer. he was the only one of his friends to be raised solely by a muggle, and without magical influence in the home. it’s easy to forget sometimes the disparity in values between muggles and wizards, how strange it is that Sirius’ thoughts first go to legacy. kassandra pettigrew has little to leave her only son, as they scraped by only inches above the poverty line all through his childhood, but living in a small village on the outskirts of london it was far from the most progressive of places.     ❛   it’s   not    about    LEGACY----------    there’d     be    nothing    to    give    even    if    i    fancied    girls.    it’s    because    it’s    wrong.    she    can’t    stand    that    her    son    is    bent.    the    whole    bloody    church    would    turn    on    her    in    a    heartbeat    if    they    found    out.    she’s    probably    been    praying    that    i    change    since    she    found    out.     ❜

          ❛    OH   FUCK    OFF———-    ❜     now that’s uncharacteristic, for pettigrew to snap so suddenly instead of skirting around the edge of the conversation when things get serious, certainly not grabbing the attention with both hands so suddenly and with such force.  ❛    ----------i   just    lost    my    mum     so    yeah    i    think    i’m    ALLOWED    to    be    a    bit    pissy.    ❜

          it sets his teeth on edge, sets his shoulders with the sharpness of a razor blade as he crosses his arms. when he puts it like that, he realizes how it sounds and the outburst is regrettable. it means he has to explain, and explanation is not something he wants to give. except there’s no way to back out of this corner and it’s not like sirius will just let something like that go.     ❛    ...not   like    that.    she’s    not     dead    or    anything.    as    far    as    she’s    concerned    i    am    though.    ❜     he sucks in a breath through his teeth, and he can’t look at him for all his anger he’s afraid of his response. might as well alienate what family he’s got left when he’s on such a roll.     ❛    ...mum   found    out    i’m    gay,     and    that    was    that.     ❜