It's important to read to your kids but not too much lest they start saying words like "perchance" and "undoubtedly"

yo yo wait that reminds me of something really funny i saw once, hold on--(you watch me open my phone browser and manually and correctly type the entire url of a specific tumblr post)

my pet banana peel

Can whoever wired all my money to the cayman islands please send that back

Just remembered how my old boss used to say “allied forces” any time dragon flys showed up when we were out working in mosquito infested swamps

just told a french person what spray cheese was and it feels like a hate crime

Lol just found McDonald's doordash on someone's doorstep #hunter #gatherer

That’s literally gathering not hunting or did your dumpy ass kill the burger yourself

I killed the dasher

Can I please see your balls I'm going through a lot right now

The king asking his jester to juggle for him after a long day