bonaventure 🪲

They fall in love with the idea of being the perfect boyfriend, the perfect husband. They fall in love with the reactions they get when they say their perfectly recited pick up lines. The faces girls make when they move the perfect way in bed.

They fall in love with the idea of being the perfect lover, the perfect catch, the partner every single man wants to be.

And then you will sit and wonder why he replaced you so easily, why the words he said to you felt so true and sincere and unlike anything you’ve ever been told before, yet held no weight.

Darling, you weren’t ever really loved. You were the third wheel in a man’s relationship with his own ego.

And his new lover will hear those same words and think: “God, I am so lucky to have found a man like him.”

And he will always and only ever think:

i know this person is gone, i know they are dead. it’s a fact. but my mind can’t seem to process that there really isn’t a corner of the world I could search where i’d find them. I can’t comprehend it. To me it stills feels like she’s just out there, and with enough effort I could find her again.

It’s so much easier to process something being truly gone forever when it’s something that is always visibly there. when it’s something that comes in and out of my life, it feels like the final and permanent “out” is just a longer part of the same cycle. The in will be back eventually.

The only time I can manage to make myself comprehend the loss that i’ve experienced is when i look back on memories and tell myself they won’t ever happen again. That, I can understand. But telling myself a human being who i’ve known as long as i was born is no where in this entire universe feels wrong, and feels like a lie.