This Is Me Trying

The streets of Lyari were quiet this time in the morning. Most people remained deep in their slumber but Y/n was awake, soft pop music played through her earphones as she gathered her books to leave for college. She loved waking up before the rest of the city, the feeling of being the only one alive made her feel at peace. Life wasn’t easy for her but in these moments she didn’t have to think about anything but the music coursing through her veins. She slung her bag over her shoulder and walked out. Shagufta, her best friend, waited right outside and together they walked over to Lyari General College.

On the other side of the city, Uzair slowly tumbled out of bed. Every bone in his body protested against even the slightest movements he made. It had been a long night at the factory and the fight that broke out at the docks had snatched away all his time to get a good night’s sleep. He laid his head down on the breakfast table as Rehman ruffled his hair and Ulfat served him piping parathas.

“Bhabhi Kyu Mujhe bhejte ho roz college? Kuch bhi nhi hota waha. Bhai aap hi socho main Kitna kaam kar sakta hu factory ka iss time mein.”

Ulfat rolled her eyes. She had heard this argument from him endless times but she wanted him to have some semblance of normalcy. She understood his struggle to fit in but she never changed her decision. Rehman would never go against his wife and his guilt regarding dragging Uzair into the business as a child further fuelled his desire for Uzair to study.

“Uzair kuch mahino ki hi toh baat hai fir khatam college. Tere chakkar mein Siyahi, Hamza aur toh aur Donge ko bhi college jaane par majboor kar diya hai.”

Ulfat rested her hands on his shoulders and gently whispered,

“Uzair college chale jaao, Tumhari favourite biryani banaungi.”

Uzair begrudgingly climbed into his jeep and drove off.

Shagufta and Y/n, first year students with eyes full of wonder, made their way to class. Shagufta dragged Y/n to the back of the class instead of their usual seats.

“Shagufta Kya kar rahi ho? Seat chali jaegi yaar.”

“Arre meri maa ek din padhai chod de, kuch baat karni hai tujhse. Chal!!!”

They settled into their seats and Shagufta grabbed Y/n’s hands and started whispering

“Ok so do you remember Siyahi? Do mahine pehele gye the jab hum dono Nafisa ke sath unn seniors ki party mein.”

“Haa haa. Wahi na jisse teri ankhein nhi hatt rahi thi? Kya hua? Kuch kia usne? Tu bata toh main muh Tod dungi uska.”

Shagufta rolled her eyes,

“Uff yaar tu bhi na. Nahi kuch bhi kia usne. Party ke baad we exchanged numbers and baat krte the roz. Mujhe pata hai uska last year hai and woh kya kaam karta hai but usne muje propose kia and I said yes. Tujhe bataye bina neend nhi aati. I really really like him.”

“Shagufta!!! Tu Pagal hai? Rehman bhai ke sath kaam karta hai woh. Last year hai, atleast 5saal toh bada hoga tujhse.”

Shagufta’s hopeful eyes melted all the barriers of y/n’s logical reasoning and she sighed and pulled her into a hug

“I’m so so happy for you.”

What y/n did not know was that she would become the designated third wheel for every single date. She didn’t mind Siyahi, she had grown to accept him and she knew how happy Shagufta was but it was annoyingly boring to third wheel them all the time.

A few weeks later Siyahi organised a party. No matter how hard y/n tried to get out of attending Shagufta’s puppy face and pleading eyes eventually won her over.

On the night of the party, the girls snuck out. The house smelled of cigarettes and alcohol, loud music poured out from the speakers. The lights had been dimmed and they were the only first year students except for Yalina, Hamza’s girlfriend. Few hours in to the party, y/n found herself sitting next to Uzair. To her he was just a tall man nursing a glass of whiskey. He looked far too intimidating for her to strike up a conversation but surprisingly she didn’t feel uncomfortable. Uzair caught her looking at him and the whiskey in his hand.

“Try karni hai?”

Y/n snapped out of her reverie,

“Huh? Kya? Nahi, I mean maybe.”

Uzair chuckled, her fumbling over her own words was an adorable sight to him.

“Mera naam Uzair hai. Tum?”

“Main Y/n. Maaf karna main ghoorna nhi chah rahi thi bas apne khayalon mein kho gyi thi.”

“Koi na. Tum first year mein ho na? Yaha kaise?”

“Shagufta meri best friend hai aur uske ghar wale Siyahi ke naam se toh aane dete nhi. So here I am.”

“Achha Achha… decoy ho tum.”

“Ji Mujhe toh laga tha insan hu, Shayad apko Chashma lagaana chahie.”

For the first time Uzair was taken aback. He laughed and tipped back the remaining whiskey.

They stayed glued to each other all night long. Conversational flow easily, and his height and stature protected her from the drunk stumbling men. She was suddenly very aware that the boy she was talking to was the brother of Rehman Baloch but nothing about him felt threatening. It was as if he had cast a spell on her and she never wanted to return to reality.

_______

The next morning Shagufta kept pestering y/n to tag along for yet another on of her dates.

“Yaar Shagufta main Kya karungi? Main bore ho jaati hu.”

“Aaj nhi hogi. Siyahi ek dost ko la raha hai.”

“Aur Mujhe Kya Matlab uske dost se yaar.”

“Poori party toh usse chipki baithi thi. Mujhe toh lecture diya aur khud seedha uzair Baloch k paas pahuchi.”

Crimson spread across y/n’s cheeks.

“Baat kari sirf. Koi manai thodi hai baat krne mein.”

Soon enough, Shagufta and YN were sat at Alam Bhai’s shop. Uzair’s jeep pulled up, and both the boys stepped out. After the initial greetings of the and Siyahi, separated from the other two.

“Toh aaj tum decoy ho.”

“Ji main toh insan hu.”

And just like before they fell into easy conversation.

“Uzair yaar tum kya bachpan mein sirf horlicks ki diet pe the? Gardan dard ho gyi hai meri upar dekhte dekhte.”

Uzair leaned down, “Shayad fal sabzi kha leti toh Itni si nhi reh jaati.”

“Uff uzair bilkul Ammi jaisi baatein kr rahe ho. Raho ab tum inn dono ke sath, jaa rahi mai.”

Uzair caught her wrist, gentle enough that it wouldn’t hurt but firm enough to stop her from leaving. The touch sent sparks down y/n’s spine.

“Khafa mat ho y/n. Achha chalo gulab jaamun khaogi? Mujhe poore Karachi ki best dukaan pata hai.”

“Ab Ammi jaisi harkatein bhi kar rahe ho. Pehele gussa karo fir khana khilao.”

She burst into laughter and followed him into the car. Uzair drove to Mahmood Sweets.

The warm gulab jamuns seemed to melt the remaining walls between uzair and y/n. They exchanged numbers and somehow found excuses to hang out everyday

“Chai peene ka mann hai… chalogi?”

“Uzairrrr ghuma do na apni jeep mein pleaseee. I’ll die of boredom”

What started as friendship blossomed into something else entirely. Their hands would remain intertwined on the gearbox, her head rested on his shoulder as they sat on the beach and uzair always wordlessly draped his jacket over her shoulders the moment her shoulders started curling in. When the simple desire to hang out turned into a helpless need to see each other, they never understood but neither of them seemed to mind.

While Y/n kept a smile on her face, her life behind closed doors often left her in tears. She had strained relations with her parents, especially her father. She loved them but she also craved a life that was her own and in her house that caused a lot of conflict.

“Y/n mere ghar mein Mujhe koi behas nhi sunni. Na keh dia na bas. Koi college nhi jana hai kal se.”

“Abbu please Mujhe wakalat karni hai. Mai class topper hu please abbu.”

Tears streamed down her face. Her mother joined in,

“Theek keh rahe hai abbu. Zaban toh kainchi jaise chalti hai. Pata nhi Kaha kaha ghoomti hai college ke naam par. Ghar par toh pair hi nhi tikte. Kuch bhi nhi ho paega tujhse.”

“Par ammi aap mile ho mere professors se. Aap ko pata hai mai padhai karti hu.”

“AWAZ NEECHE. SAMAJH NHI ATA EK BAAR MEIN TUMHE.”

Uzair’s jeep pulled in front of her house right then. He stepped out to wait for her, a habit he had formed in the past weeks. However he was unaware of the fact that whenever he had picked her up, her parents had never been home. He heard the faint noise of screams coming from the house.

Inside, y/n had heard uzair’s jeep. She ran out of her house and hopped in the jeep. Uzair got in.

“Uzair Chalo yaha se.”

Uzair didn’t ask any questions. He drove straight to their favourite spot, a deserted corner of the beach slightly separated by the natural cliff that overlooked the sea.

He stepped out, opened her door and pulled her out of her seat. The moment she left the jeep, y/n crashed into his chest, sobbing, her arms wrapped around him. It broke Uzair’s heart to see her like that. His hands hugged her closer, one wrapped around her waist while the other cradled her head, gently stroking her hair.

“Uzair woh Mujhe college jaane se rok rahe hai. Mujhe wakalat karni hai uzair maine bahut mehnat ki hai.”

She sobbed so hard that she couldn’t catch her breath. She was shaking like a leaf.

“Shh meri jaan. Shaant ho jaao, Aise karogi toh tabiyat kharab ho jaegi. Kuch nhi hoga, koi nhi rok sakta tumhe college jaane se. Shhh… saans lo.”

“Ammi ne Kaha main kabhi kuch nhi kar paungi.”

He tightened his hold on her,

“She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

“Uzair, tum nhi jaoge na? Please Mujhe chod ke mat jana.”

He pressed a kiss on her forehead,

“Shh… kabhi bhi nhi jaunga. Tum meri favourite ho. Aur fir mere sath Gulaab jamun kaun khaega?”

A weak laugh escaped her lips and they stayed right there. Just the two of them, on an abandoned section of the beach, sitting on a log hands intertwined.

From that day, Uzair and y/n were beyond inseparable. He drove her to college and dropped her back, ensuring she would be able to attend. No one had the guts to question Uzair Baloch.

The day uzair graduated, y/n hugged him super tightly,

“Uzair I’m so so proud of you.”

He rested his cheek on top of her head, breathing her in. He knew his life would change now and he knew it. He would never let her be a part of his dark world.

“Uzair, tum Mujhe bhool toh nahi jaoge na?”

“Kabhi nahi.”

Over the next few weeks, Uzair was drowned in work. From seeing each other everyday, their conversations turned into short texts daily, soon that dwindled into a weekly text.

It broke y/n’s heart but she didn’t want to burden uzair. She tried going out with Yalina and Shagufta but the loneliness never seemed to leave her heart. She was exhausted from the constant quarrels, the exams and cried herself to sleep most nights.

Late one night, her phone beeped,

“Window kholo.”

She opened her window and uzair stumbled in. He was obviously drunk and his eyes were suspiciously shiny. He lost his balance and bumped into y/n. His head landed on her shoulder and he stayed there.

“Uzair tumne pi rakhi hai? Yaha kya kar rahe ho?”

“Y/n, I missed you yaar. Milna tha toh aa gya. Jaanta hu tum naraaz hogi ki mai wakt nhi de paya par main sachi mashroof ho gya tha kaam mein. Maaf kar do.”

His eyes were red and bloodshot as if he had been crying. His head returned to her shoulder.

Y/n felt him shaking and she tightened her hold on him,

“mai naraz nhi hu. I missed you too. Uzair kya hua? Meri taraf dekho, kya ho gya jaan?”

His tears finally spilled over.

“Aaj hi mere waldin ka inteqal hua tha. Main 12 saal ka tha, mere saamne unhe goli maar di. Mai bahut chillaya par koi nhi aya madad k lie. Main unke paas baitha raha teen din tak, tab Rehman bhai Mujhe lene aa gye. Bahut saal ho gye par unki bahut yaad aati hai y/n.”

Y/n pulled him in and he buried his head into her chest, curling into her like a child. He clutched on to her as if he was afraid she would leave. She held him as tightly as she could, rubbing circles on his back and wiping away his tears.

“Uzair, so jaao. Main kahi nhi jaungi. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. So jaao ab.”

She pressed a kiss on his forehead as his eyes finally fluttered shut.

Uzair and y/n formed a routine after that night. Uzair would drop her off to college and later sneak into her room and sneak back out before dawn.

Then disaster struck.

The Eid party was in full swing. Shagufta and Y/n had decided to go together and catch up with the others at the party itself. Shagufta’s jaw dropped as her eyes remained fixed on the entrance, y/n followed her gaze and her eyes immediately welled up at the sight in front her.

Uzair smiled at the girl who had walked in beside him dressed in luscious green sharara. She playfully swatted his arm and he laughed. His real laugh, the one reserved for the people he knew and loved. Uzair swiftly handed her a glass as his eyes scanned the room. They finally landed on y/n and he mouthed her name, walking over with the girl.

Y/n knew she was being unreasonable, she knew they had never made anything official neither had he ever asked her to be his girlfriend but she didn’t have the strength to meet this girl. Her lungs felt as if they had forgotten how to breathe. She swiftly turned and left the party.

The next week, all of uzair’s calls and texts went unanswered. She stopped going to college and he knew better than to sneak into without proper planning. Y/n had stopped going to all parties where their common friends gathered.

Until one fine day Shagufta finally dragged her to a party thrown by Siyahi. At the party, she avoided uzair like the plague after noticing that the same girl was still by his side. Uzair noticed her ignorance.

She stepped out onto the sand and gazed at the waves crashing down as the cool night air made her shiver. She suddenly felt a familiar leather jacket being wrapped around her shoulders. Her eyes turned to meet uzair’s

“Kya kar rahe ho uzair?” She began walking away as Uzair followed

“Mujhe kyu ignore kr rahi ho? Kya hua hai?”

“Andar jaao uzair. Bura lagega usse.”

“Kisse? Y/n baat toh karo. Koi galti kari hai maine toh batao Mujhe.”

“Chale jaao uzair. Main nhi dekh sakti tumhe uske sath.”

His hand wrapped around her wrist and pulled her back,

“Kaun? Kya keh rahi ho tum?”

“Main jaanti hu mai sirf dost hu tumhari, umr mei choti hu par pyaar hi gya tumse. Nahi dekhna chahti hu mai tumhe kisi aur ke sath.”

Tears tracked down her cheeks,

“I’m happy for you uzair but I’m not strong enough to be a part of your happiness.”

She began walking away again, the breeze blew her hair in all directions.

“Safeena naam hai uska.”

Yn’s tears fell faster.

“Cousin hai meri. Lahore se aai hai kuch dino ke lie. Zyada baat nhi hoti but we have always been close.”

Y/n stopped in her tracks, she felt like a moron.

“Tum toh jaanti thi na ki mai tumse kitni mohabbat karta hu? Fir kaise Soch lia yeh sab?”

He pulled her back to face him.

“Jaanti thi!? Kaha se jaanti? Bola kabhi?”

Uzair lowered his head, their foreheads met as a tear slipped down Uzair’s cheek

“I thought you knew. I thought you knew how I can’t breathe when you’re not around. How I wake up everyday because I know I’ll get it hear about your day. even ulfat bhabhi knows how much I love you. I thought you knew. Mujhe kabhi tumhe aise hurt nhi karna tha. Mujhe laaga tumhe pata tha.”

Her hands curled around his collar, trembling,

“Bataega kaun? Kyu nhi Kaha uzair? Kyu?”

Her voice broke as she buried her face in his chest and his arms wrapped around her shaking body.

“Maaf kar do Mujhe meri jaan. I love you. I love you so much. Main kehne se dare raha tha aur usme tumhe hurt kia hai maine. I’m so sorry.”

He pressed kisses all over her face.

Finally, she rested her hands on his face, stood in her tip toes and kissed him. His arms wrapped arounf her waist and they melted into each other, under the moon as the waves crashed into the sand. They held on to each other as if it hurt to separate because for a terrible week, it had.

There, at their spot on the beach, Uzair and y/n found the love they had searched for all their lives right where they had least expected to. A love that felt like home.

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Uzair Baloch didn’t care for much except his family and for his family he could kill and be killed. Y/n and Uzair’s marriage was going smoothly, late nights,lazy mornings and constantly doting on each other.

“Uzairrrr, please let’s go shopping today please na.”

Y/n clung to Uzair’s sleeve like a stubborn child. Uzair looked down at her, he knew there was no way he could deny her wishes especially when she looked like she was one tantrum away from stomping her feet like a baby.

“Achha theek hai. Jaao ready ho jaao. But Pehele Kulfi khaane jaenge fir hi shopping hogi.”

Y/n squealed and quickly kissed Uzair’s cheek.

“Uff uzair Kyu ho tum itne pyaare. I love you.”

Uzair kissed her forehead and she rushed away to dress up. Fifteen minutes later, they were seated in Uzair’s jeep bickering over Kulfi flavours.

Unfortunately for Uzair Baloch, peace was a rare occurrence in his life. Years of violence had honed his senses to detect danger before it even presented itself. Stepping out of his jeep and walking toward the boutique Y/n had been gushing about, Uzair felt a sense of doom fall over him. He couldn’t understand why he felt this way, the streets were clear, Y/n was just a step away, there was no sign of immediate danger but he scanned the street anyway. He had learnt early in life that it was better to be safe than sorry.

His eyes caught movement behind a pan stall, a gun aimed at Y/n, a malicious look on the gunner’s face. He moved instinctively as the gun was fired. His hand curled around Y/n’s wrist as he pulled her behind him, shielding her with his body. The bullet seared into his left side and crimson bloomed across his green kurta. Y/n’s eyes widened in shock, staring at dark patch while uzair shot at the gunner. Before Uzair could chase after him, Y/n tugged at his sleeve

“Uzair please ruk jaao. Mat jaao. Main nhi chahti ko tumhe kuch ho jae.”

Uzair looked at her terrified expression and all thoughts of chasing the man disappeared from his mind.

The adrenaline died down and he doubled over at the searing pain. Y/n immediately caught him,just before he could fall. Her hands trembling as she saw the man she loved bleeding out in her arms. The reached for his phone and dialled Siyahi

“Siyahi bhai Uzaie ko goli lagi hai. Please jaldi aa jaaen. Suhani boutique ke bahar. Please Bahut khoon beh raha hai.”

Her voice came out broken in ways she didn’t think it could break. She heard Siyahi scream to gather the boys and the engines turning on.

Uzair was losing consciousness. His head rested in Y/n’s lap, his hand still loosely curled around her wrist, even in his injury her protection was his primary concern. He heard her panicked voice yelling for help. She was alright. Now he could rest. His eyes closed.

“Nahi nahi Uzair, jaan ankhein kholo.”

He tried, he really did but everything felt so heavy.

“Uzair please. Meri jaan ankhein kholo. Uzair tum mujhe aise chor ke nhi jaa sakte. Please mujhe dekho, bas ek baar apni ankhein kholo.”

Y/n’s kurta was soaked in his blood. Tears finally tumbled down her cheeks as she watched Uzair’s grip on her wrist loosen.

“Please rukjaao mere paas uzair. Main kabhi fir se shopping ke liye nhi kahungi. Uzair main tumhare bina marr jaungi.”

She rested her forehead against his chest. Her tears dripping down his kurta. Uzair felt her cry. He was confused. Why was his jaan crying? Was she hurt? He needed to check. He needed to see her. He fought against the sleep that was pulling him under. His eyes opened.

“Uzair! Allah ka shukr hai. Uzair please ankhein khuli rakhna.” She pressed fervent kisses to his face.

Siyahi pulled in just then. Hamza and Donga helped carry uzair into the car’s backseat. Y/n kept taking to Uzair, telling him silly stories, promises to get him the best biryani and pet stroking his hair. The car raced through the streets of Lyari. The drive to the hospital were the longest five minutes of Y/n’s life. Ulfat and Rehman had been informed and were already present while uzair was wheeled away on a stretcher. Y/n followed the stretcher till the doctors stopped her.

“Nahi nahi nahi main usse aise nhi chodungi. Mujhe uske paas rehna hai. Please.”

Her voice was frantic, fresh tears tracking down her cheeks at the thought of being separated from Uzair. Ulfat gently pulled her back.

“Bacha doctors ko unka kaam karne do. Uzair bahut ziddi hai, bahut takat hai usme, kuch nhi hoga usse. Aise kabhi nhi chodke jaega hum sabko.”

Y/n broke down in ulfat’s arms as Rehman paced back and forth in the hallway. Ulfat clutched on to Y/n as her own eyes teared up. Uzair was her first child, she had raised him and could never bear to see him hurt. Rehman’s hands shook at the possibility of losing his brother. Silence settled over all three of them. Y/n sat between Rehman and Ulfat. Her hands clenched around Ulfat’s salwar as Rehman gently patted her head. The couple had been like her parents since Uzair and her had gotten together. An hour passed before the doctors arrived from the operating room.

“Zakhm gehra tha. Agli surgery ke baad hi samajh aega…. Aapka Lyari par ehsan hai toh main apse sach kehta hu, zyada umeed na badhaen, hum poori koshish kar rahe hai.”

The statement shocked everyone into silence. Memories of Uzair taking her for drives at midnight, them sneaking away from Rehman’s business parties to drive up to Clifton, nights they had stayed up on the roof counting stars and exchanging stories raced through Y/n’s mind. Uzair’s eyes, his smirk, his shoulders that she would hide behind, his hand that caressed her hair every night, she could lose everything. Rehman’s face was drained of emotion. His brother, his first child, how could he even imagine a world without him.

Time seemed to move like a snail. An hour that would have whizzed by them laughing and teasing one another, mimicking Rehman’s antics, now seemed to weigh on their every breath.

The doctor emerged through the doors, everyone collectively stopped breathing. The doctor’s expression remained unreadable.

“He’s out of danger. He’s strong willed. But he will need time to heal.”

A collective sound of relief and gratitude filled the hallway. Ulfat’s eyes glistened with unshed tears

“Kaha tha na maine, strong hai mera bacha, kabhi Aise chodke nhi jaega.”

Y/n hugged Ulfat as Rehman thanked the doctor.

Rehman had Uzair shifted back to the Haveli. Y/n sat by him all day and all night, adjusting his pillows and his blankets, waiting for him to gain consciousness.

On the second night, Uzair slowly opened his eyes. He couldn’t recollect much, he recognised the ceiling of his room and that someone was stroking his hair but beyond that Uzair’s brain had a singular thought

Y/n. Was she ok? Did she get hurt?

Y/n noticed as his eyes opened. Relief flooded through her veins and she pressed kisses all over his face, settling into his uninjured side as she hugged him.

“Oh Uzair, mujhe laga main tumhe kho dungi. Aaj ke baad kabhi shopping ki zidd nhi karungi. Please bas mujhe kabhi chodkar mat jana.”

Uzair gently rubbed her back. He knew how worried she must have been.

“Jaana, main theek hun, kahi nhi jaa raha. Aur tumhare shopping bags uthana toh mera favourite work out hai. Chalo Rona band karo ab.”

He kissed her forehead as Rehman and ulfat entered the room. Rehman reached him first

“Fir se zyada hero banne chala na toh main khud tujhe goli mardunga gadhe. Chhuti chahie thi toh mang leta, sabko darane ki kya zarurat thi?” He ruffled Uzair’s hair and made space for Ulfat who had gone into mother hen mode. Her eyes were welled up again and she placed her hands on his face,

“Mera bahadur bacha. Main janti thi ki tu kabhi aise hum sab ko chodke nhi jaega. Mera bahadur bhondu bacha.”

And that’s how they stayed for the whole night. Y/n tucked into Uzair’s side, ulfat sitting near the headboard as Rehman occupied the foot of the bed. They stayed sharing stories, making fun of each other and planning weekend getaways and finally there was peace in the Haveli. Uzair knew that he’d fight the devil himself to return to his family. After all he still needed to take his wife shopping.

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