Citadel Docks; Cargo Hold: B

your heart.

you have loved, and been hurt. your heart is tired, but cannot grow calloused...

“Yeah, I didn’t think twice when I heard the people screaming. I just started calling some soldiers around to help me defend the entrance of the colony. Some stayed behind in case the Batarians managed to break the defenses, but I refused to allow them coming further, even if it would cost my life.” He had taken an oath to protect the innocent – his life wasn’t important when he had that kind of job to do.

“I see. My head was exploding and I was really angry at that moment. I think rage was fueling me.” Shepard rubbed the back of his neck, a little embarrassed. “Yeah, not the best way to deal with such situation, but I was mad. So my feelings blurred my memories, the anger moving my body instead of myself. It was bizarre, but it happened like that. Though, I remember the diplomat’s daughter, the one you protected. Your wife, right?”

"Yeah... We were engaged only a few months after the Blitz." Frank looked past Shepard for a brief moment as he affirmed his question calmly. Remembering the moment when they could have seen each other back then. "There was a vanguard that had caught Leena's attention while we were heading for a safe spot. She was so fascinated, it felt like a lifetime when I tried to get her to keep moving. Guess that was you."

Shepard laughed politely, though sincerely. “Oh no, Steve didn’t tell me anything embarrassing, don’t worry about it. He focused more on your qualifications as a soldier, basically. What you can do, your experiences, and so on. He sold your image pretty well, but he did tell me once he had a knack for business. Couldn’t deny the fact I could use your help on the Normandy. We always need an extra pair of hands.”

Gulping more of his coffee, he rested the mug on the table as he rubbed his hands together. “But I did look at your files, the Alliance ones. I had no idea you were on Elysium during the Skyllian Blitz. I mean, even Kaidan is a veteran and all, but the info says you were actually on shore leave when the attack happened. Sorry if my memory is bad, I don’t remember many things of that day.”

Frank grinned. That sounded a lot like Steve, he thought as Frank listened to how he got the chance of his reinstatement. Of course, Shepard had taken a look into his personnel file before he requested the man's transfer to the Normandy. "I doubt anyone's memory about that day is good, given how chaotic the situation was. But you're right, officially I'd been on shore leave."

Steve smiled softly at him, accepting the sandwich and thanking the Asari for it. When she left, he munched some of his food with a distant look, feeling exhausted. He hadn’t slept enough lately, especially now that the Reaper War was reaching everywhere. And he knew Shepard could need him at any time, so he had to be always prepared, as well as the shuttle repairs.

“I could ask Shepard to bring you onboard.” He chuckled lightly at the request, knowing that it was a good idea. Having Frank around could increase his mood, even James’. James enjoyed meeting new people, he was a people person.

“You have the experience, and I heard that you and he met on some occasions. We could use some extra hands too.” Steve ate more of his sandwich, resting a hand over his mouth politely while he talked.

Taking a bite from his own sandwich, Frank almost choked on it when he suggested joining them. He sat it down to cover his mouth while coughing, then drank some water to calm down the irritation. "You're serious about this, are you?" Frank cleared his throat once more, unsure about the offer.

It was a good one but was he still good enough for active duty? Sure they could need everyone able to handle a weapon during this goddamn war, though there was also still his job with the refugees. Kelly. He wanted at least talk about it with her before giving a straight answer.

"Honestly, I don't know Steve. It's been a while..." Running his hands through his hair, the man looked at the scenery with unfocused eyes before looking back at Steve. Trying to find answers if he was truly ready to jump out of a shuttle and into a fight again.

Steve knew about that, that Robert would want him to move on, to go live his life after his death, but easier said than done. He was trying his best, diving his head into his tasks to keep himself busy, but even Shepard was worried about him getting burnout. It was the way he found to cope, basically – not good for his own mental health, but enough to keep him functional. The Alliance, at least, was helping him not to snap.

He rubbed both hands on his cheeks to wipe the tears away, feeling bad for showing that side of his to Frank – even though he was his closest friend. “I remember, and I’m just glad you managed to recover, Frank. Robert helped you a lot, always told me you could use some comfort. He was a kind spirit, one who would help anyone when they needed.”

Thus the reason why Steve couldn’t believe Robert was dead. If he could, he would have given his life for him without thinking twice. Accepting the napkin, Steve mumbled a soft ‘thanks’ before he used it to wipe the rest of the tears away. “I appreciate the kind words, Frank… as always. To be honest, I missed you. You’re the only family I have, and I want to make sure we both survive this nightmare.”

"Yeah, me too." Frank nodded, rubbing his forehead. Well aware that his brother would come back from the dead just to kick his ass if he'd have relapsed, though he didn't mention it out loud to keep Steve from getting more upset again.

He was looking over his shoulder to check if their food was on the way while Steve thanked him and took the ordered sandwiches from the arriving asari with a quick note that he'd pay for both later, then turned his attention back at his best friend. Handing the food over.

“Yeah.” Steve nodded quietly, averting his eyes as he felt tears sliding down his cheeks. “He knew me so well… knew that I wouldn’t recover from his death. I could have saved him, Frank… but he said it was too late, and I… I just left him behind.” Cowardice was the name for that kind of action.

Steve couldn’t exactly judge Frank for telling such thing. He knew the same pain, even more than him. He had lost Leena and Charlie, and Steve wasn’t sure if he would be able to move on. So many times he thought of foolish things, then Robert’s words came to his mind, telling him to live his life. He was trying so… so hard.

“How do you do it, Frank? How can you cope? I feel like my world is crumbling each time I wake up without Robert by my side. It’s just so heavy to carry this weight.” He sobbed a bit, rubbing the back of his hand on his cheek to wipe the tears away. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t make this about myself. This is supposed to be a friendly lunch, and I don’t want to spoil it.”

"He wanted you to have a future, not to take you down with him. You would have done the same in his shoes, Steve." He sure did the same during the Geth Attack and instinctively called Leena to take Charlie and get to safety in the midst of rising chaos. It was his own spare pistol in her hand, that later led to their identification and him feeling guilty about having sent them into certain death.

Frank leaned into the seat, shrugging his shoulders, and let out a small sigh. "I know how not to cope. You saw what happened when I picked the wrong outlet for it." He wasn't proud of that part of his past when his choice to deal with his loss fell on doing red sand. It had only made things worse in the long run, even if the short high had numbed the pain for a while. He could be glad to be given the chance to come back by Bailey after the man got his promotion as the new head of C-Sec.

Kelly tensed at his approach, slowly lifting one knee and angling her leg in warning should Frank get the idea to attempt bodily moving her to the bedroom. It took her a moment, one that she spent playfully scrutinizing him with narrow eyes, to relax and sink into the cushions, waiting for sleep to work its healing, restorative magic.

“You don’t want me in your bed right now,” she warned with laughter. “Worst case scenario, I’m contagious. Best case, I’m gonna be so far gone, I’ll drool, and both cases are not very cute at all.”

Pulling her legs up under her, Kelly settled in to rest. “I’ll be out of your hair once I sleep it off. Just need the extra peace and quiet.”

“You think? What if I’m actually looking for someone to drool on those pillows?” Tucking her in he stayed a bit longer to watch her settle on the couch. “I could shoot a message to the colleague at the clinic to send us doctor Michel over to rule out the worst-case scenario.”

Steve had to laugh with Frank, because it was kind of impossible not to when the man had a contagious laughter. But then, his expression gradually saddened once again as he thought of Robert. “Yeah… I know. Though Robert made me promise that I wouldn’t make him an anchor. It’s… hard, and I’m failing miserably.”

Not that he hadn’t tried it before – Steve did his best to move on, trying to use his own job as a way to escape those intrusive memories. “It’s not that simple, Frank. I’ve tried my best to leave the past behind, and try to keep only the good memories, but… the moment I remember Robert, I recall his death, and I feel so lost. So lonely.”

Frank's expression changed ever so softly as he recalled those words. They'd been listening to Robert's final pep talk for Steve together after the funeral service for the fallen men and women of Ferris Fields so he was aware of what he meant by that and it was hard for him not to feel angry with how his brother had worded his goodbye.

"You feel like you're failing because he himself made that recording an anchor. Makes you relive his last moments." He reasoned, trying not to sound too harsh.