Vent Blog

Abdullah @abwoood has been trying to fundraise to support himself and his family but Tumblr keeps deleting him. Chris and I are facilitating his fundraiser and are in regular contact with him and @nesmamomen

This fundraiser was initially to rebuild but now it's to survive

Edit: Tumblr took out the link when I added the poll, sorry:

My name is Marah, an aspiring computer engineering student. I dreamed of completing my studies and working in the field that I love. She enjoys spending long hours studying.

But the war deprived me of my ambitions

And my dreams and my studies

My university was demolished, as was my home

I no longer have any dreams or ambitions

Your help may restore hope in completing my studies abroad

Any donation could make a difference in our lives and give us hope

Portaui lacrimis madidus te, nostra catella,

     Quod feci lustris laetior ante tribus.

Ergo mihi, Patrice, iam non dabis oscula mille

     Nec poteris collo grata cubare meo.

Tristis marmorea posui te sede merentem

     Et iunxi semper manib(us) ipse meis

Morib(us) argutis hominem simulare paratam,

     Perdidimus quales hei mihi delicias.

Tu, dulcis Patrice, nostras attingere mensas

    Consueras, gremio poscere blanda cibos,

Lambere tu calicem lingua rapiente solebas,

     Quem tibi saepe meae sustinuere manus,

Accipere et lassum cauda gaudente frequenter

And here’s my translation:

Wet with tears I have carried you, our little (female) dog, just as I did in happier times fifteen years earlier (lit. “three periods of five years).  For myself, Patrice, now you will not give me a thousand kisses nor will you be able to lie lovingly around/against my neck.  I have sorrowfully placed you, merit-worthy, in a marble tomb and I have joined you always to myself in death, as by your cleverness you matched a human.  Alas, we lost such pleasures for myself!  You, sweet Patrice, were accustomed to join us at our table, to beg charmingly for food (while sitting in our) laps.  You were in the habit of greedily licking our cups with your tongue, which my hands often held for you.  Frequently and joyfully (you) receive a weary one with your (wagging) tail...

try speaking neutrally about yourself!

“you fucking idi- it’s not that big a mistake.”

“you’re worthle- it’s okay.”

“you’ll never amount to- well, i’m doing alright, i guess.”

Cause it’s like, there’s these two separate people in my head and one of then hates the other SOMUCH that given the chance, it would kill the other, literally murder it

but it can’t

so it just HAS to say as many bad things as it can cause it’s the only outlet

If it was easy we wouldn’t need to do it.

If it was easy we wouldn’t be giving people tips on how to do it.

If it was easy we wouldn’t be struggling with the monsters in our minds, day in and day out.

Why wouldn’t it be hard?

That’s WHY we have to try. That’s WHY we have to keep fighting. That’s WHY you keep pushing and working with it. Because if you do, it gets a little easier. If you do, you path the way for your future self, if you do, you start to see why we have to do it.

Of course it’s hard.

Do you know how long I’ve hated myself? Do you know how hard it was to start doing this? Do you know how hard it was to put down the knife and the pills and pick up the phone, pick up my soul, three separate times in six years? Do you know how many more times I had to lock myself away to try and fight off the demons and the monsters?

Of course it’s fucking hard. But that’s not a reason to give up. That’s the reason to keep fighting.

If it wasn’t hard, we wouldn’t be ill.

If it wasn’t hard, we wouldn’t be tired.

If it wasn’t hard, we’d all do it.

But hard isn’t an excuse. It isn’t a reason.

It’s why we have to try.

I hated myself for twenty fucking years. I am finally starting to like myself. I’m finally starting to be able to pick up myself and go “no, this isn’t a big deal, I can keep going.”

So of course I see where you’re coming from - you’re coming from where I was, two years ago, three years ago, four years ago, five, six, seven, eight years ago.

And that’s why I reblogged this. That’s why I believe in this. Because honestly? No matter how much that little voice says “you’re worthless”, you can keep saying “i’m all right, i guess.” and eventually, that starts to work. And it can take months, it can take years, but fucking hell it works. Because you find these teeny tiny reasons to live, to find worth, to enjoy yourself.

You find reasons to breathe and reasons to get the rest of the help you need.

Of course it’s hard.