Gage's tumblr thing.

pepper tries to woo peach…..bonus episode

So we all know Doomguy is a total fucking badass.

But how badass?

Well…

· Sent to Phobos, one of Mars’ moons, as punishment for assaulting CO who ordered to fire on civilians.

· Demons invade Mars cause UAC fucked with Hell energy science

· Kills all the demons on Phobos

· Teleports to Deimos, one of Mars’ other moons

· Kills all the demons on Deimos

· Kills Hell’s mightiest warrior, the Cyberdemon

· Goes to Hell

· Kills all the demons in Hell

· Kills the Spider Mastermind, the demon who planned the entire invasion

· “Proven too tough for Hell to contain” and is promptly ejected from Hell

· Ejected onto Earth where demons have invaded

· Humans plan to leave Earth but the only ground spaceport gets overrun and demons place a barrier over the spaceport preventing humans from leaving

· Kills all the demons and deactivates the force field

· Saves humankind

· Receives a transmission telling him where the armies of Hell are coming from

· Goes and kills all the demons there

· Does not see a solution on Earth so goes back to Hell

· Kills all the demons in Hell

· Kills Satan

· Goes to Jupiter’s moon, Io, where the UAC restart dimensional gateway experiments (because it went so well last time)

· Io is overrun by demons

· Kills all the demons on Io

· Kills Satan again

· UAC is taken under new management (because all the old trustees and stockholders are dead) and start developing tools to prevent more invasions (good luck with that)

· UAC start making a Quantum Accelerator which closes invasion Gates

· The research draws the attention of demons and they invade

· The Quantum Accelerator actually works and the demons are locked out so the UAC’s research continues more boldly (wow good job guys!)

· The very next day, 7 invasion Gates open

· The Quantum Accelerators close 6 of them but there are too many demons (so close!)

· The last Gate remains open and is guarded by a powerful, enormous, ancient Gatekeeper demon

· Doomguy is on leave at the beach and is closest to the facility so he gets to the UAC first

· Realises the other Marines will arrive too late

· Decides to kill all the demons himself plus the Gatekeeper

· Returns to Earth

· The government find out that there are still dregs of demons on Phobos and Deimos, so they drop a fuckton of radiation on the moons.

· A creature survives the exposure and it has the ability to resurrect demons

· The creature revived all the demons, making them EVEN STRONGER THAN BEFORE

· A Marine strike force is deployed and guess who’s the only survivor?

· Kills all the demons on Phobos and Deimos again

We’re up to Doom 3 by the way.

· A few years later and the UAC Mars base has been refurbished. Doomguy is tasked with finding a missing scientist.

· Finds the scientist who is trying to warn the UAC Earth base about the teleportation experiments of Malcolm Betruger, the guy in charge of UAC Mars Division

· Tries to tell the Marine but one of the tests loses containment and a shockwave transforms everyone into zombies

· Demons invade through the teleporter

· Tasked with getting a distress signal communication card thingy

· Kills demons with a Marine squad

· Squad is ambushed at the EnPro Plant

· Recovers communication card but communication equipment gets heavily damaged.

· Here the player has a choice to send the signal via back up communications array (and obey orders) or not (so Earth is not endangered)

· Sent to the Delta Labs where Betruger is shown to be working directly with Hell to invade Earth

· If the player does not send the signal, Betruger does it anyway, hoping it will bring reinforcement ships so demons can be sent to Earth

· Betruger then tries to kill the Doomguy using toxic gases (BECAUSE APPARENTLY ALL THE STORIES ABOUT THIS FUCKING DEMON MURDER MACHINE SIMPLY KINDA JUST PHASED OUT OF COMMON KNOWLEDGE)

· Betruger fails

· Doomguy learns more about the teleportation experiments and how they were expeditions into Hell to bring back specimens as well as an archaeological dig of an ancient civilisation

· The dig turned up the Soul Cube. What the fuck is a Soul Cube? Well friend, it is a weapon to defend against the forces of Hell. Nice

· Betruger took the Soul Cube and put it in Hell. Fuck

· Goes back to Hell

· Kills all the demons in Hell

· Kills the Guardian of the Soul Cube

· Retrieves the Soul Cube

· Goes back to Delta Labs

· Discovers that though the main teleporter is destroyed, Hell is opening a Hellmouth to allow millions of demons onto Mars

· Then finds out that his Sergeant Thomas Kelly was also working for Hell and has been transformed by the demons (remember, he is technically still in service as a Marine, despite going off alone all the time)

· Learns the location of the Hellmouth

· Finds Kelly

· Kelly taunts Doomguy in a demonic voice (HE FUCKING WORKS FOR YOU! HE IS FUCKING PART OF YOUR FUCKING UNIT! HOW THE FUCK HAVE YOU NOT FUCKING HEARD THE FUCKING STORIES ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK THIS MAN CAN FUCKING DO???!!!!)

· Kills Kelly

· Takes the BFG-9000

· Goes back to where the Soul Cube was found

· Kills another Cyberdemon (with help from the Soul Cube)

· Seals the Hellmouth

· Reinforcements get to Mars (real great timing guys)

· Betruger is shown to be reincarnated in Hell as a dragon-like demon

· UAC detects a signal from Mars and sends a team to investigate

· The team finds an Artifact, Hell is alerted and a new invasion begins

· A new character, McNeil tasks the Doomguy with stopping the invasion by returning the Artifact to Hell

· Kills three Hell Hunters (demons who are trying to find the Artifact) and absorbs their powers into it

· Goes back to Hell. HE GOES BACK TO HELL. THAT IS 4 TIMES NOW

· Kills all the demons

· Gets to Betruger (now known as the demon Maledict)

· Kills him

· Goes back to Mars

And now we come to DOOM 2016

· Doomguy has since performed a hostile takeover of Hell and has taken up permanent residence to make sure no more invasions happen. He was tricked and had a temple dropped on him, after which he was encased in a cursed sarcophagus. The UAC are attempting to draw energy from Hell to combat the energy crisis on Earth (SERIOUSLY???!!!). One of their scientists, Olivia Pierce, has made a pact with Hell and opened a portal. Current UAC director Samuel Hayden opens the sarcophagus, releasing the Doomguy.

· Retrieves Praetor Suit – a suit made for him BY DEMONS IN HELL when his old suit was destroyed.

· Kills all the demons in the first section of the UAC

· Goes to Hell

· Kills all the demons in Kadingir Sanctum

· Goes back to Mars

· Kills all the demons

· Goes back to Hell

· Kills all the demons in Titan’s Realm

· Kills all the demons in The Necropolis

· Recovers a magical blade called The Crucible

· Goes back to Mars

· Kills the rest of the demons in the UAC at VEGA Central Processing

· Goes to the Argent D’Nur

· Kills the demons there

· Destroys the Hell portal’s power source

· Kills Pierce, who transforms into the Spider Mastermind

· Returns to Mars

· Hayden confiscates The Crucible as Earth is too desperate for energy to give up

· Acknowledges he cannot kill Doomguy cause unlike Kelly and Betruger, Hayden actually has a brain and teleports him to an undisclosed location saying they will meet again.

· Uhhhhh DOOM 5 happens I guess.

All in all, here are the stats:

Demonic invasions stopped – 14

Trips to Hell taken – 6

Attempts on his life by non-demons – 2

Like

WHO

DARES

  NAME A BIGGER BADASS

okay so

they detected a security breach in google+ and since nobody used google+ except to like log into youtube. and post.

people didn’t realise it was a thing for like four years

but now they’re trying to shut down google+

except that they forgot

ALL OF YOUTUBE IS CONNECTED TO GOOGLE+ LIKE CONJOINED TWINS

so uh

if it’s down it’s not ya internet

it’s google+

was just sitting afk when i heard a familiar tune.