Welcome To My Life

Before we start, I have no problem with being blocked or blocking a person. I have blocked and have been blocked, just like most of us on here have BUT the way this happened has infuriated me. It’s been intense 2-3 weeks and not only have I been suffering from a lot but so have the people in my life. About three weeks ago I found out my boyfriend/ not boyfriend had been shot and was moving back to his home state of Texas on Tuesday, December 12,2017. For me, that was the breaking point on top of an incredibly hard semester, dealing with my parents, having NO friends, and a slew of other things. I decided to OD and that resulted in me going to the hospital and then being sent to the psych ward for an additional five days. I just got out and messaged my boyfriend/not boyfriend with “I’m alive just in case you wanted to know lol just got out.” Maybe I was an asshole and shouldn’t have joked around about getting out of the hospital and almost dying but, hey, we all have our ways of coping. Yesterday night I realized that he fucking blocked me on FB messenger... HE FUCKING BLOCKED ME! Things were going great, we were great, and not it is not. I have a feeling that it’s the cliche “It’s not me it’s you”, he really has gone through a hell of a lot of shit in the past month and I don’t think what he is doing is because of me but rather because he too, is dealing with a lot on his plate and maybe I was his breaking point, just as he was my breaking point. This is my first time in a relationship and I know that I’m young, dumb, and new but one thing I do know THIS IS LOVE that I feel for him. Never in my life have I had someone on my mind so god damn much, never have a cried over heartbreak, never have I wanted to talk with and be with someone so much in my life.I KNOW that I cannot be the only one who feels this way. A couple of weeks ago we made love and this was so intense that is was just more than sex, it was the type of sex that makes you CRY, sex that makes you so weak, sex that satisfies, sex that leaves you not only speechless but breathless. It was so different than anything I've experienced in my life and we had a moment, an indescribable moment but it was everything I needed and more. I’m losing my mind thinking that he blocked me and I’ve never been so distraught over someone locking me before. Another reason I know he feels what I feel is because he knows me inside and out, he has taken the time to get to know me...even the things I haven’t told him, he notices. Tell me who in the hell puts the initials of someone behind their name on Instagram and then adds the fire and ice emoji? A person in love does that, especially I person who is so personal and doesn’t really go on social media a lot. People in love do crazy things such as posting subliminal messages on Instagram or crying during sex. I’m not going to lie and say I am ok with him blocking me because obviously, I am not and I am also not going to say he is a straight up asshole because he is not. Love is a heard emotion to navigate and we are both scared and confused but no matter what I will never give up on him. Tell me your thoughts on this guys!

Holy shit, It’s been over two years since I’ve updated this thing. it appears I’m still alive and going but if I had to be completely honest, I haven’t been all that well.  In the past seven months I have been talking to a guy, an asshole of a guy, but for some reason my heart and mind had to go and get attached to him. I met him at a Christmas party that my friend threw (don’t worry she didn’t know him but she DID know his friend) and we were both completely smashed. We talked for two hours and as you can guess he gave me his number and the very next day I was so excited and I knew I had to play it chill so I didn’t text him until later that night. We talked and talked and I had this feeling inside me that I couldn’t and still can’t explain. One day I finally decided to ask him what he was looking for and what he wanted and he told me “he wasn't ready for a commitment because we’re young and it’s a time to explore.” Of course internally I couldn’t accept this answer but I just stated a flat “ok, that’s fine.” You could say that was my mistake was just accepting and lying stating that I was ok when the fact o the matter is I was and am NOT. Over the months we got into fights and every time I SWORE that I was dealing with his stupid ass, I would go weeks without talking to him but here he comes again apologizing saying he’s “sorry and didn’t want to lose me as a friend” and every time this has left me confuse because what the fuck does he want, does he want to be: friends, friends with benefits, or more. Call me crazy but I feel as if he wants to be more but I feel as if his heart and mind are closed off. You may ask why I would think that he may want more and I say be he’s not just asked how my day was but how my month was if we haven’t talked in awhile, he gives me good advice on some situation, he’s semi opened up to me, and when we talk, touch, and even cuddle I can just tell something is different. He also called me once when he was drunk and told me  “You’re good for me, really good for me”. I thought that I could wait around for him and just wait off to the sidelines but I don’t think I can do it anymore I’m 19 and in college just trying to get through and he’s 20 (soon to be 21) and not in college but working full time. This is the first guy I’ve talked to in a somewhat serious manner and the first guy who has talked to me, who has NOTCED me. I don’t truly know what to do because it’s not like I have options in men and I really, really like him. It’s not say for me to “just let go” like my friends other relationship logs I’ve looked at. So for now I sit in limbo. I just wonder if any of you have had similar situations and if so what have you done?