// ya girl is mobile and canโt make everything small atm, Iโll make it pretty later!
BUTโฆ have a headcanon I wrote on Shane Hollander doesnโt even know HIMSELF, as a person, because his entire time with the Metros, he masked himself out of shame and cut his own self off and how the only thing heโs ever known about himself? Is his love for Ilya.
When it comes to Shane, we all know he can be overly dedicated to hockey.
But the truth is, in general, he does very little for *himself*, because he doesnโt know who he is without hockey, or what he wants. Thereโs only ONE thing, person, that he considers and protect as HIS own. It doesnโt belong to the league, his mom, or anyone heโs trying to run and please.
He hasnโt had the privilege of getting to know himself that well. What are his favorite movies? Books? Any tv shows? Hobbiesโฆ yoga? Maybeโฆ but not even he knows the answer to this. He plays for his mother, his team, his management, the League itself.
His perfectionism isnโt because he wants to โbeat everyone elseโ, or because he wants to โbe better than everyone.โ Or anything ego related.
. Itโs not that simple. He HAS to be perfect - not in the sense to be โbetter than anyone elseโ, but that he had to be better than his OWNself. Whatever he was yesterday? He has to be better today, somehow. Whatever he doesnโt perfect today, whatever progress he sets back from yesterday? It will be the reason he lets everyone down.
Heโs not watching reels of Scott Hunter and going โI know Iโm better than him, lolโ, heโs watching his *own* highlights and picking out every single mistake he, himself, made and how he can fix it. โWhy the fuck did I do that? I costed us that goal,โ, โI wasnโt fast enough,โ , โI wasnโt good enough,โ even in his sexuality and relationship to Ilya, heโs aware of the sacrifice Ilya makes to be with him and wants that sacrifice to be worth it. But thatโs mistakenly tied to his perfectionism as well.
To Shaneโฆ he and Ilya are already equals in hockey. How could he possibly try to better that? He canโt have kids, like Svetlana can. He canโt give Ilya a public, loving relationship, like Svetlana couldโve. To Shane, heโs not worthy of being chosen by Ilya. Why would he be? His solution to this is to dive deeper into unhealthy habits he *can* control. Heโs not afraid to be gay or to love Ilya, heโs afraid of ilyas choice of him not being worth it.
Sadly, itโs also this reason that Shane is surprised by ilyas declaration that he would choose Shane over hockey. โWhy would he choose me? Iโm not good enough, look at everything thatโs wrong with me and everything heโs had to give up.โ
He, himself, has said before, he somewhat fell out of love with hockey and it became a job. He is so, internally, fucking *lonely*. And the worst part?
Everything he feared came to pass when his team not only ostracized him for his relationship with Ilya, but accused him of playing shitty so his boyfriend could win, when he was operating at ungodly amounts of effort and power out on that ice. Heโs never given less than 150% and indirectly? This took his obsessive compulsion for perfectionism to the unhealthy level it is now.
The sad truth is? The consequence of all this? Shane never even knew who he truly was his entire time with the Metros, because he blocked out who he was, with masking.
The only time, after getting drafted, that he truly enjoyed it for how it used to be with him? Is with Ilya. The fun and thrill of an EQUAL, the challenge of Ilya pushing him further. He would tell you that he is only as good, in other peopleโs eyes, because of how Ilya pushed him.
But on the same point that Shane Hollander doesnโt know who he is? The only thing heโs ever done for *himself*, is love Ilya Rozanov. His relationship with Ilya was the only time he got to know a part of himself, and thatโs his sexuality. Heโs been in love with Ilya since *before* day one, when he was merely watching him in highlight reels.
Ilya was the only thing Shane ever truly knew he wanted for himself. The only thing he chose for himself. Sitting in Crowells office and being told to โchooseโ, he didnโt see that he was picking hockey or Ilya.
