Canixe

Sometimes I remember I didn't get gold VIP Dan and Phil tickets and then a crushing weight descends from the sky and plummets me six feet under until I'm covered by soil and can't move and all the oxygen has been taken from me. And then I remember that this will be a night to remember, this will possibly be THE NIGHT of my life and I still got silver and I'm being ungrateful. And I claw my way out because I am excited, I am so fucking ecstatic and excited.

Seventy two days. I hope everyone knows that I have a countdown on my home page and make sure to inform everyone around me when another day has passed. In case you were curious, it's seventy two days now until I see Dan and Phil live on a stage in front of my real life eyeballs. Still need to book my hotel and find a good undershirt for my outfit, but seventy two days until I get to see Hard Launch. If I think about it too hard I'm scared I'll go into cardiac arrest and miss it.

I really wish I would've found Dan and Phil around 2022. Like, their comforting videos and just the domesticity of their content would have made my wreck of a life feel somewhat normal, but I really think 15 year old me would have been much better off if they'd had Doomed. WAD is such an important message and having seen it now it makes me more hopeful and want to keep fighting for things to feel better for me. If I had been able to somehow see WAD live, I think things would have been better for that friendless kid. They maybe wouldn't have felt so alone and hopeless. I mourn for them, I mourn those years. It's been hard and Dan and Phil have helped me so much it's actually unfathomable how I would keep going without them. And to know they were always there and I just didn't know it kind of kills me. I apologise to my 15 year old self because maybe they could have been more okay if we'd found dnp and Doomed and all of it. I'm grateful I have them now though, and maybe seeing Hard Launch in October will heal something. <3