c a m m i

You watched as Sam left the Impala and walked towards the bar alone. You felt bad leaving Sam to investigate patrons alone but you needed to talk to Dean. 

“What?” Dean grunted out when he noticed you starting at him. 

“I’m just taking in everything. I really want to have good memories of you after you’re dragged to hell.” You crossed your arms and glared at your best friend. 

“Not you too.” Dean groaned. “I already got the speech from Bobby and Sam.”

“What did you expect? Did you really think I would be okay with you selling your soul?” You cried out. “Why the hell would you do that?”

“Sammy died, Y/n.” Dean yelled with the same frustration. “What was I supposed to do?”

“Move on!” You yelled back. “We’re hunters. When someone dies, you move on. You don’t sell your god damn soul!” 

“Like you were moving on? You were a mess! You sat with his corpse just as much as I did!” Dean faced you. “You have to admit that you considered it.”

You pursed your lips, not wanting to lie to him. You had considered making a deal... 

“Exactly. I don’t get why you’re so upset? Sam’s alive. You two are together. And I get one last year to live it up.” Dean sighed. 

“What happens next year, Dean?” You whispered. “What happens when the hell hounds come and I- we have to watch them tear you apart? What happens when we have to live everyday knowing that you’re in the pit?”

“Y/n-” Dean tried to console you as your tears spilled over. 

“I don’t want to know that. I don’t want you to be down there. I’m going to miss you, Dean.”

“Don’t cry, Cherry Pie.” Dean placed a hesitant hand on the nape of your neck. You snorted at the use of his childhood nickname for you. “I’m gonna miss you too.”

“I just wish we could go back to being kids again.” You sniffled. “ The times when we would rock out to your Dad’s old cassette tapes and Sam would judge us.”

“Who says we can’t?” Dean grinned before popping a tape into the Impala. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Dean grunted as the beginning melody of Highway to Hell by AC/DC started up.

Soon the Impala was enveloped in laughter, terrible singing from both parts and a lot of seat dancing. 

As the song closed out, Dean dropped a hand into yours. 

“Memories like there...” He smiled at you. “It’ll be what keeps me sane down there.”

Before you could reply, another voice cut you off. 

“So get this- what happened?” Sam stared at you with concern as he took in your tear stained face. 

“Nothing- Nothing.” You pulled your hand away from Dean’s. 

“You left your own daughter’s recital to go on a hunt. With your soulless brother nevertheless. Dean, what the hell? I thought we were past this. The whole ‘Sam comes first’ thing.” You sighed. “We have a family. Your children should come first. Especially after what he did to me.”

Dean was stunned by everything you had just said. You thought Sam was still soulless? Dean had children? As in plural? With you?

“I know- I know he cheated on you-”

“Cheated on me?” You sputtered. “You think that’s the worst thing he did to me?What about the time he shot me and we almost lost Ellen?”

“What?” Dean was even more shocked. “He shot you and Ellen?”

Sam stared at Dean with his eyes wide open. 

“Dean... I’m going to ask you again... Are you alright?” You spoke slowly. 

“I promise I’m fine.” Dean whispered. 

“I was 8 months pregnant with Ellen. It was Mary’s 4th birthday. A demon broke into the house, you were still hunting back then so you weren’t there. I got him away from Mary but he had a knife to my neck when Sam showed up. Sam shot me in the chest to kill the demon.” You explained. “I know he didn’t have his soul but don’t you remember how scary it was? It’s why you stopped speaking to him... because he was dangerous. What if it had been Mary?”

“We got his soul back, Y/n...” Dean whispered. “He’s okay, now.”

You sat there shocked. He hasn’t had his soul in 9 years... You guys tried to find a way to save it but you couldn’t...

“How?” 

“Death... He had some sort of way to bring it back. He’s actually a cool dude.” Dean laughed, still processing all of the information he had just found out. 

“Oh... Well hurry home.” You frowned still unsure. “But don’t bring Sam. We don’t know if she remembers...”

“Of course... I’ll see you at home. Where is home exactly?” 

“Dean-”

“I know, I know. We’ll do the whole silver, holy water test when I get back...” Dean grinned a little. You were still as sharp as ever. 

“Home is my Dad’s house. He left it to us after he died of the stroke.” You laughed a little. “Still can’t believe he didn’t die hunting.”

“Yeah, that’s-that’s something.” Dean breathed a laugh with you. 

“I’ll see you in about 8 hours. Okay?” You smiled. “I love you.”

“I-I love you too.” Dean stuttered as you hung up. 

“What happened?” Sam tried to hide the annoyance in his tone at the fact that his old girlfriend just told his brother that she loved him. 

“I’m guessing a lot of stuff changes if Ruby never killed her.” Dean ran a hand over his face. 

“Like what?” Sam pursed his lips. 

“For one, Y/n and I are married and have kids. Two, I know of so far.” Dean smiled a bit before frowning at the look Sam gave him. “Bobby died of a stroke and you never got your soul back.”

“What?” Sam scrunched his face up. “Why?” 

“Maybe that’s where things strayed from our timeline or whatever. Maybe when you and Lucifer swan dived into the cage, I went and started a life with Y/n. We got married and had kids and I didn’t find a way to get your soul back.” Dean explained his theory. “So you stayed soulless and shot my pregnant wife.”

“Wait what?” Sam furrowed his eyebrows.

“Y/n said that you shot her when she was pregnant with our daughter.” Dean frowned. 

“I would never shoot Y/n.” Sam protested. 

“But you without a soul? That guy was dangerous.” Dean grimaced at the memories of that year. “If she remembers that guy then..”

“Then she hates me.” Sam sighed. “So what do we do?”

“I say we head to Sioux Falls. You can stay with Jody while I go down to Bobby’s and figure out what Chuck’s playing at.” Dean frowned once he remembered that this was all part of Chuck’s doomsday plan. 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea, Dean?” Sam asked unsure. 

“No but Y/n doesn’t want you near the kids.” Dean didn’t lie but he wasn’t completely honest. He really just wanted to see what his life would have been like without worrying about Sam... 

Sam and Dean were frozen in the theatre, courtesy of Chuck who sat to their left, popping a piece of popcorn in his mouth with a shit-eating grin.

“I never wanted a movie adaption of the Supernatural books. I felt like they would suck the raw emotion out of it.” Chuck explained. “I mean you saw Supernatural the musical.” He made a face of distaste. “But they were just kids so I had to pretend like it was good.”

“What the hell is this?” Dean grunted out.

“Just watch.” Chuck focused his attention to the screen as the reel started to play. “You remember this, right Dean?”

You stood outside the motel room door, a lump in your throat and tears in your eyes as you heard her moans. When you heard Sam’s deep groan, you instantly turned away. He was screwing the black-eyed whore in your motel room...

“Y/n?” Dean’s gruff voice spoke and you quickly blinked away the tears.

“Hey Dean” You forced your usual happy smile but this time it was filled with pain. “I just forgot my motel key and I don’t think Sam is in there-” You were cut off by a loud porn star like moan.

“Ruby’s in there, isn’t she?” Dean’s voice was a mix of anger and sympathy.

“Yeah.” Your voice broke. Sam and you had been together for around a year. Your first kiss had been while Dean was in his coma... Your first time was the night his father sold his soul to save Dean... You had finally made it official when he returned from the dead after Dean made the demon deal.

“Come on...” Dean grabbed your hand a led you away from the motel.

“Where are we going?” You sniffled.

“Somewhere... quiet” Dean gave you a soft smile. Something you hadn’t seen from him before. Something you never would have expected since the way he’s been acting since he got back from Hell.

Sam gave Dean a confused but broken look. Sam thought about you everyday since you disappeared from his life but he could never find you because the end of the world always seemed to loom in the distance.

“Turn it off.” Dean begged Chuck. The desperate tone that he only used when his family was in danger leaked into his voice. He didn’t want Sam to see what was about to happen...

There was a park on the other side of the woods that laced the edge of the motel you guys were staying at. That’s where Dean had lead you to.

“I’ve been in love with him since we were kids. I thought... I thought for the first time in my life I had gotten what I wanted.” You whispered as Dean and you walked down the dirt path.

“I know...” Dean whispered.

“I should have expected this though. My life has never been this easy.” You let your tears fall.

Both of you were quiet for a while before you decided to ask a question that had burning at the back of your mind.

“What happened?” Dean looked up at you when you asked. “Down there, I mean...”

Dean stared at you for a while, lost in thought. A pained look on his face as he remembered the things that he had done. But the way you shivered when the wind blew snapped him out of it and he shrugged his jacket off for you.

“A lot of things I’m not proud of.” Dean draped the jacket over your shoulders.

“We all do things we’re not proud of.” You tried to comfort him while sinking into his jacket to escape the cold, the smell of pine and old leather embracing you. A smell that reminded you of him.

“You’re not proud of accidentally killing a person while exorcising a demon.” Dean glared at the ground. “I-I tortured people, Y/n. I hurt them. I wasn’t strong enough so I sank to there level.”

“Dean.” You grabbed his bicep, ignoring the shock in your veins. “We all do things to survive. The only thing important is that you survived. You made it back to us.”

“I liked it.” Dean’s teary eyes met yours. “I liked hurting people down there. What does that make me? A survivor? Or a monster?”

Dean looked away, scared of seeing the look of disgust on your face from his confession but when your soft hand cupped his cheek to make him look at you, all he saw was a soft, caring look in your eyes.

He didn’t know why he said it. Maybe it was the fact that you were alone and Sam was screwing a demon in the bed you both had shared. Or maybe it was the way you were looking at him as if he hadn’t just admitted to being a sadist in hell.

“I wish you had fell for me instead.”

“What?” You furrowed your brows curiously.

“I mean... I just don’t like seeing you upset. If it was us... I wouldn’t be hooking up with a demon. I’d be here, with you.” Dean gave you another gentle smile, something confusing you even more.

“You are here with me, Dean.” You shyly turned away. Confused by the pounding of your heart. Maybe it was because Dean was here for you while Sam was sleeping with Ruby. Or maybe it was because you were actually feeling something for him.

“Exactly.” Dean spoke, making you turn towards him, just in time for Dean to connect his lips to yours.

Dean stared at himself on the screen. He was feeling all the same emotions he had felt when he kissed you all those years ago. That wasn’t just Dean stealing another one of Sam’s dates. This was different. That was something Dean had rarely felt in his life.

Sam stared at Dean with anger and betrayal. Sam knew about Dean’s habit of stealing girls from him but never with someone he actually cared about and loved. Dean would always gloat about it to his face but he had never mentioned this to him. He never even suspected it. What else had you two done behind his back?

“How could you?” Sam hissed.

“Sammy...” The gut wrenched look on Dean’s face told Sam that what he had just saw was different... It wasn’t the same as all the other girls.

The screen flashed to a new scene.

“Oh! This is my favorite part!” Chuck got the attention of the demoralized brothers.

“You can’t go!” You grabbed Sam’s arm. “You can’t go by yourself with Ruby to kill Lilith.”

“Let go of me.” Sam roughly shrugged his arm from you, making you stumble back.

“Sam, please.” You sobbed, the tears leaking down your face. “Do you really think this is the right thing to do? Drinking demon blood! Sleeping with a goddamn demon?!”

Sam glared at you, making you shrink away.

“You sound like, Dean.” Sam shook his head, continuing to pack his bags. Your heart dropped at the sound of Dean’s name like it always did, ever since your kiss at the park all those months ago.

All of the secret kisses, the late night talks when Sam would disappear with Ruby, the days where he would hold you as you cried about the way Sam was acting... The feelings that were sprouting because of all of that. The way they made you wonder why you were still trying to salvage your relationship with Sam. You had seen how Dean had stopped the random hookups since your kiss while Sam, your boyfriend, cheated on you repeatedly with a demon nevertheless.

“I’m scared for you, Sam. I don’t want you to get hurt. I love you.” The words sounded familiar but the feeling it gave off was foreign. Did you not love him anymore? “I’m your girlfriend...”

“I don’t love you and you’re not my girlfriend anymore.” Sam sounded cold. “I haven’t loved you for months and you’re just annoying me now. I’m with Ruby. I’ve been making it as obvious as I can and you just won’t take the hint.”

With that he slammed the motel room door. You felt scared for him. You felt like you needed to stop him. Like he was making a big mistake. But you didn’t feel heartbroken and that told you that you didn’t love Sam anymore like you had thought.

“He finally broke the news, huh?” You glared at the demon to your left.

“Go away, Ruby.” You hissed. “Isn’t he going to meet you-” Maybe it was the fact that you had been working with her for awhile that made you turn away without fear of what happened next.

You were still in the motel room when you woke up. Tied to the motel room bed. It was hazy but you could make out Ruby standing in front of you.

“You’re finally awake.” Ruby gave you a malice smirk.

“I knew it.” You groaned at the throbbing headache that formed as the result of getting hit in the head by whatever Ruby had used.

“Too bad, Sammy didn’t.” Ruby rolled her eyes. “You know I was supposed to kill you the night you cheated on him but well after that heated performance I didn’t think you were a problem anymore.”

“Screw you.” You pulled at your restraints. “If I’m not a problem then why am I tied up?”

Ruby gave a grin that made you shiver in fear. “I have some time to spare before Sam makes it to where I’m supposed to be. Dean’s busy so he won’t be coming back for a couple of hours. And I really don’t like you.”

3 hours and 42 minutes of extreme torture. She had started by cutting deep wounds in your stomach and continued lower... She filleted your feet and skinned random parts of your body. One of your ears were torn off at some point. Your wrists and ankles were raw from where you had been pulling on your restraints. Your fingernails were on the floor somewhere and by now all you could see was your own red blood soaking the bed sheets.

You don’t know how you hadn’t bled out by now but you had wished you did. There was no coming back from this. If you had somehow survived... there wouldn’t be a life worth living after. Even though you had believed that, when you heard the rumbling of the Impala, hope sparked in you. Dean was back. He could save you. He could stop her and save the world. Ruby had explained to you her entire plan while torturing you. How Sam killing Lilith was the final seal to release Lucifer.

“Dean.” The gargled, quiet plea was silenced by Ruby as she used her knife to quickly slice your tongue off. The pain the seared through your body as she shoved the pillowcase into your mouth when there was a knock on the door.

You watched as she quickly changed her clothes and cleaned the blood off of her arms. She strutted across the room to the door. He won’t see you from that angle...

“Where’s Y/n?” You heard Dean demand when Ruby peaked her head out.

“With Sam, obviously.” Ruby rolled her eyes.

“This is their room.” You could hear the undertone of hurt in his voice.

“She wasn’t too keen on well... using the same bed as Sam and I.” Ruby shrugged. “They’re four rooms down.”

“I’ll go make sure myself.” Dean glared at Ruby and stalked down towards the door, fully prepared to bang on the door... Until he heard the familiar sound of a headboard banging on the wall. In a moment he felt his heart tear before pushing it down and backing away.

“I warned you.” Ruby grinned as Dean stalked past her with an angry look on his face.

A gargled noise left your mouth as tears left a clean stream of skin down your face.

“That’s actually some prostitute and a senator but Dean doesn’t know that.” Ruby spoke quieter, now that she knew Dean was in his room adjacent to yours.  “He really loves you, did you know that?”

A strangled noise left your mouth.

“I’m going to mix your blood in with the demon blood Sam’s going to drink.” Ruby grinned. “I’ll tell him once he free’s Lucifer.”

And then in a quick slash, your throat was opened and you quickly bled out of existence.

Sam and Dean stared in horror as the screen faded away. They didn’t know... They didn’t know that Ruby had slaughtered you like that.

“So much emotion. I really outdid myself there.” Chuck stood, clapping as the lights turned on.

“I could have saved her.” Dean whispered. He felt dizzy and exhausted.

“Both of us could have.” Sam felt nauseous and disgusted with himself.

“No-No.” Dean spat angrily. “You were jacked up on demon blood. You weren’t yourself. I was. I should have known. I should have-”

“Don’t- just don’t” Chuck cut him off with that familiar dissatisfied look. “Just enjoy my gift while it lasts.”

And then he was gone and the brothers were free to move.

“You-You loved her?” Sam spoke after a few moments of silence.

Dean nodded as he sat on one of the chairs with his head in his hands. He couldn’t get the image of you, tortured and broken on that bed out of his head. A new nightmare to plague his sleep. One worse than all.

“It was just a crush when we were kids.” Dean spoke, trying to hide the fact the emotions he was feeling. “And then you guys got together and I was annoyed and then I got back from hell and... she was so sad.”

“Because of me...” Sam felt his heart break again at the thought of you.

“I never... I never slept with her.” Dean looked up at Sam. “There were a few kisses and some nights where she would sleep in my bed with me. But I never took in any further because I knew that you loved her too. I knew that it wasn’t you hurting her. But I couldn’t let her think that nobody was going to treat her right-”

“I get it.” Sam nodded. “I just thought she was alive somewhere. Hunting, living her life.”

“I thought she would have been married by now. With kids... A normal life.” Dean closed his eyes when he felt his tears well up. “I hoped that she got out.”

It felt like they sat there in silence forever, lost in there own emotions before Dean’s phone rang.

“I’m not dealing with this shit right now-” Dean was fully ready to reject the call until he saw who was calling.

“What game is Chuck playing?” Sam growled when he saw who was calling.