a heart is a heavy burden

Thinking about how many times I’ve heard the words “music used to be ABOUT something.” Thinking about all those gotcha jokes where the set up is “if that was my son, why i would” and the punchline is that they’d love him, right, because it’s funny we are at risk of being traumatized. Thinking about this quote I read today about disrespect - that there’s plenty of people who think respect means “accepting as the absolute authority”. Thinking about religious trauma and the “battle for the soul of the nation”.

Irving Berlin released “Pack Up Your Sins and Go to the Devil” in 1922, nearly 100 years ago, and it was a direct “fuck you” to white Conservative Christians having a tizzy fit about the immorality of Jazz, especially Henry Ford, who had written a whole goddamn treatise the year before saying: “Popular music is a Jewish monopoly. Jazz is a Jewish creation**. The mush, slush, the sly suggestion, the abandoned sensuousness of sliding notes, are of Jewish origin.” OH NO NOT SLIDING NOTES! HEAVENS TO BETSY! OH MY WORD!

The lyrics to “Pack Up Your Sins” are as follows: 

Oh, I got a message from below ‘Twas from a man I used to know About a year or so ago Before he departed He is just as happy as can be I’ll tell you what he said to me He said, “If ever you get heavy-hearted

Pack up your sins and go to the devil in Hades You’ll meet the finest of gentlemen and the finest of ladies They’d rather be down below than up above Hades is full of thousands of Joneses and Browns, O'Hoolihans, Cohens and Bradys You’ll hear a heavenly tune that went to the devil Because the jazz bands They started pickin’ it Then put a trick in it A jazzy kick in it They’ve got a couple of old reformers in Heaven Making them go to bed at eleven Pack up your sins and go to the devil And you’ll never have to go to bed at all

If you care to dwell where the weather is hot H-E-double-L is a wonderful spot If you need a rest and you’re all out of sorts Hades is the best of the winter resorts Paradise doesn’t compare All the nice people are there They come there from ev'rywhere Just to revel with Mister Devil Nothing on his mind but a couple of horns Satan is waitin’ with his jazz band And his band came from Alabam’ with a melody hot No one gives a damn if it’s music or not Satan’s melody makes you want to dance forever And you never have to go to bed at all

Do you sense a theme?

Of course, Lil Nas X totally put his own spin on things to make it specifically about eschewing Christian morality in favour of embracing queer liberation, which is fucking fantastic! But it’s batshit insane to see the actual governor of South Dakota practically accusing Lil Nas X of personally ushering in the beginning of America’s moral decline, as if he’s some sort of gay pied pier leading all the good children away from God, when actually this is LITERALLY THE SAME BASIC THEME OF A NEARLY 100-YEAR-OLD SONG PENNED BY THE SAME COMPOSER WHO WROTE “WHITE CHRISTMAS,” “EASTER PARADE,” AND “GOD BLESS AMERICA.”

It’s just completely manufactured outrage about celebrations of otherness that have genuinely been around forever. These people don’t actually believe it’s going to threaten their way of life, because if these songs really had that kind of power, they wouldn’t still be here bitching about it after all this time. They just can’t stand to see anybody else enjoying being anything but them. 

Anyway, here’s a 1938 version of “Pack Up Your Sins” that features a 21-year-old Ella Fitzgerald on vocals absolutely crushing it: 

TikTok video by mamajillwallace.

A white woman wearing a white tanktop and black-rimmed glasses with her dark hair drawn back.

Woman: *forceful tone* My child just came out as transgender and I’m a Christian mother, so I want you to know how it happens in my house. First we sat down for a talk, so we could fully understand what’s gonna go on around here, and then?

*camera tilts to show a boy in a black t-shirt with grey sleeves, partially shaved short hair, and thick black-rimmed glasses*

Woman: *cheery, loving tone* We went shopping and got a haircut!

*the boy smiles broadly*

Woman: *smiling* This is my son Jayden, isn’t he handsome? *serious, loving tone* I love you. And hey, listen, no matter who you are, if your kid comes out? *hugs her son close* You love ‘em. It’s your job. You’re the parent. /end]

If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love… I love… I love you. And I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

Part of the reason for it being a tallboy is that aluminum cans are more recyclable than water bottles, potentially infinitely so, while water bottles either have a limited amount of recyclability potential or aren't actually recyclable at all.

The other reason is to literally make it more fun and appealing to drink something other than alcohol at concert venues. Part of getting over addiction or even getting away from a culture that is doing you harm is, in the US at least, heavily associated with becoming "no fun". The idea here is to make water as fun in terms of packaging as alcohol, so people who are going sober, who can't drink, or who are the Designated Driver don't have to feel like they're relegated to the "no fun zone" forever and still get to order something with a silly name. We had these at my brother's wedding as an alcohol alternative and tbh it was really neat.

From the Liquid Death website:

"Most products in the health and wellness space are all marketed with “aspirational” fitness models and airbrushed celebrities. And many of us are tired of it. Why should unhealthy products be the only brands with “permission” to be loud, fun, and weird? And let's be honest, almost all marketing and branding is just theater. So we’re going to treat our theater like a movie theater and have more fun with it."

last summer my friend who is an amazingly talented artist and i were in this super tall building, and she’s in a wheelchair and i’m pushing her around the room. it’s an art exhibit and some of her art was chosen to be showcased there and so it’s all fine and dandy until suddenly an alarm starts going off

a FIRE ALARM

everyone starts running for the stairs and my friend just looks at me with this forlorn look on her face

“i can’t go down the stairs”

but i’m a stubborn bitch “i’ll carry you”

“what about my chair? it’s too expensive for me to be able to get another one if i can’t get this one back”

“i’ll carry that too”

and i did. we went to the stairs (by then most people from our floor were gone) and i lifted her up in a fireman’s carry over my shoulder and then lifted her chair up and used the ridiculous amount of adrenaline that was coursing through my veins to make it down approximately 20 half-flights of stairs until we met some people exiting lower floors, one of which who kindly took the chair. I changed positions so i was holding my friend bridal-style which was, somehow, easier and the person who took her wheelchair (with her permission to handle it of course) accompanied me to the ground floor and then out the doors

basically there is no real protocol for people who can’t use the stairs in an emergency. it’s up to the people with them, if anyone, to help them or the person to somehow make it down the stairs alone, unassisted

thank fuck that it was just a faulty alarm system, because if i was unable to carry her down those stairs and the building was on fucking fire???? then i don’t know what would have happened to her, but i don’t think it would have been very good.

the fire marshal hemmed and hawed for a while and then said to take the elevator- you’re supposed to leave it free for the fire department to use and they want able-bodied people out fast not waiting for elevators. if the fire alarm has just gone off the building probably hasn’t suffered enough structural damage to make using the elevator dangerous, and modern elevator wells are heavily reinforced. many large and high-trafficked buildings on my campus have fire rated elevators that link in with the fire alarm system so they won’t let you off on a floor with a possible fire. 

if the elevator isn’t working, wait in the stairwell and call the fire department to let them know where you are. modern stairwells are also heavily reinforced- it might not be pleasant but modern building code usually requires fire-resistant stairwell doors in office and big residential buildings, also to help firefighters get in and out safely. older buildings’ stairwells may or may not be retrofitted with fire-resistant doors but a stairwell is generally the safest place to wait if you can’t get out. 

Understand that once you enter the elevator, you could POTENTIALLY be taking your life into your hands there.

It is NOT LIKELY, to be perfectly honest. It’s only in a pretty catastrophic scenario - think the Twin Towers, USA, on September 11th - that the elevators will be compromised and out of service. But there is a NOT ZERO PERCENT CHANCE and you need to understand that and accept it.

As for leaving the elevators free for the firefighters, okay, here’s the deal. Unless your nearest fire station is literally right next door? Your first on scene fire truck is NOT likely to be there on scene and needing that elevator before you get to the ground. It takes us TIME to find the address, gear up, and drive to the building. Then we need to hoof it into where the elevators even ARE, so YOU HAVE TIME to use the elevator to get down to the ground floor… BUT ONLY IF THERE’S NOT A RUSH ON THE ELEVATOR! And THAT is WHY we don’t tell people this shit. That’s WHY we tell people to NEVER USE THE ELEVATOR… because every self-entitled asshole will use it because they don’t feel like walking, and then put YOU in danger by delaying the elevator’s arrival to you.

IF, however, the elevator IS compromised, or you just can’t get it to come for you, or whatever, and you either don’t have anyone with you who has the adrenaline fueled BALLS to be able to toss you over their shoulder and hoof it down the stairs with you - because, let’s face it, that is RARE AS FUCK, then HERE IS WHAT YOU DO:

You call 911 and tell the call taker that you are in the building that has a fire alarm going off, and you are not able to evacuate because of a physical disability, and you tell them what floor you are on, and EXACTLY what stairwell you are waiting at. And the very FIRST thing that the firefighters are going to do once they arrive, if it is, indeed, a REAL emergency, and not a false alarm, is come get your ass and bring you down. Whether that means carrying you down the stairs, or whether that means locking out the elevators so that no one else can override them and coming to get you themselves, they WILL come get you FIRST THING if it is a real event. And if it is a false alarm? You will probably be the first person who is not involved with the building to know, because the call-taker is going to stay on the line with you until you are under someone’s care and out of danger, or until the scene has been sorted out as real or false, and you are out of danger that way.

These are pretty standard operations in the fire service throughout the United States. There may be some minor variations based on specific municipalities, but, for the most part, this is pretty typical: LIFE BEFORE PROPERTY. So, as long as SOMEONE knows where you are - hence why you call 911 - Firefighters will come get you. You are NOT alone, and you have NOT been abandoned. I PROMISE. It’s like, our whole reason for doing the shit we do: to save lives and to break shit. Sometimes, we get lucky enough to do both at the same time.

High rise fires suck ass, and I always hated them. But the very FIRST thing I asked anytime we got one was if we had “any entrapments” - which is what we call anyone who could not self-evacuate for ANY reason. We ain’t leaving you behind. And yes, your friend who doesn’t have the stamina to carry you down can stay with you, too. Because I would never ask that of someone, honestly. 

If you’ve ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you’ve probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop. 

So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?

Nope. 

Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you’ll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:

You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it’s your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.

I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it’s not my responsibility to learn to manage my  emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.

You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.

If I have feelings about something, it’s my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business. 

You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don’t have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.

I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.

My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I’m upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you’re just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.

You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it’s because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.

If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don’t have to respect those boundaries.

You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.

If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don’t get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I’ve apologized, the matter is closed for good.

The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature. 

I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I’ve given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.

I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve. 

If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault. 

I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you. 

If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.

I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences. 

Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have. 

Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive. 

A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse.