I was actually raised Southern Baptist but, while there are many reasons why i would still Go To Hell Anyways, I was supposed to be baptized but the devil got in the way and he came in the form of a boy named Ryan McAdams [caption text is on fire]
i went to a private christian "school" a "class" of about ten kids in the basement of a church, which- is just a step above homeschooling because at least then there are witnesses. that didn't stop all of us from growing up with some sort of ~problems~. if you look any of us up on facebook ya find stuff like addicted to drugs, unemployed, transgender, and like, that's just me ;)
but Ryan McAdams is off the grid, okay [train goes by. text: even trains hate this guy.]
i am not unconvinced that he was just a child actor that they paid to make the rest of us christian kids all look bad. [train goes by. text: train agrees.]
he memorized bible verses, he drew stigmata on his palms with crayon! the teachers and parents alike were both convinced that he was the second-coming and the rest of us students wanted him crucified accordingly. our saving grace? baptism day
one saturday the church invited all the families to come watch as their kids all dressed in white gowns and got dunked in a water tank behind the pulpit. not the worst bible-themed wet-t-shirt-contest to ever occur in the carolinas because at least this one was sponsored by CiCi's Pizza
all the moms and dads lined up in the pews, my five-foot even father standing on top of one, a camcorder aimed directly at my young quivering body at the back of the line
if you're unaware cici's is considered a southern delicacy and I had starved myself for days in order to have enough room in my stomach for an entire fudge covered pizza.
it was supposed to be my day. our day because the rest of us were getting time in the spotlight because Ryan McAdams and his family couldn't make it. [text: *ice cream truck noises.*] a rainstorm had caused the McAdams family stable to fall on one of their newborn foals. [text: it was 40 degrees out why.] I guess Ryan wasn't Christ-Like enough to have good carpentry skills
running only on apple-juice and a single cheerio i decided in my brain that i was going to shout Hallelujah! when i popped outta the water, twirl or something too. and if i had actually gotten to do it maybe somebody would've read the tea-leaves on my whole ~situation~ [action: gestures at self].
but instead, the *moment* my foot hits those steps the doors at the front of the church start to part. lightning striking every single camera and eye turns to the back of the church to look as Ryan McAdams is pushing the double-doors apart like it's the beginning of a dark souls game *groaning*.
rain-coat boots and everything this Coraline Funko-Pop looking motherfucker comes through and says "I have to be baptized today because if I die tomorrow I wanna see my pony in heaven." how was I supposed to compete with that?!?!
they brought Ryan up for his holy swan-dive right away meanwhile the devil was digging his nails into my empty stomach. jesus christ did not show mercy for the starving and the sinful that day because while one already perfect angel gained access to the kingdom of heaven a future whore hit the ground with hunger pains
and my father, seeing me fail to do the simple job of wait in line to be dunked in water, squeezed that kmart camcorder so hard that it snapped. when I was absent from school the next day, ryan brought flowers to my doorstep because he just assumed the man had killed me. the debate at school was whether he did it with his mind right there when I hit the floor or if he did it that night when he was taking pot-shots at me with a BB gun
but my dad didn't stay mad at me for that long because even if i wasn't the second-coming i would still be his son
WAH WAH [action: TikTok OP is standing so you can see her fully]
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