just my thoughts

Hello! My name is Cala. I just want to post all of my thoughts and rants to keep them separate from my art main.

If you found this and you know my art accounts on Twitter or [eh] TikTok, this secret stays quiet. I want to hopefully keep this nice place to talk freely and I learned that personal posting on any art account will damage the portfolio part of it.

To start off, merry pride. I’m a lesbian, important the storyline.

Okay, so boom. I was ‘friends’ with this incel for maybe 6 months as a whole ass lesbian, right? This guy was… a bit crazy- actually very, but he legit started the friendship telling me about how his friend told him to “play the long game.’ I says to em “that’s nice” under the assumption that I’m playing Monopoly with a Get-Out-Of-Jail card because I have said the magic words of having dated a woman. Apparently this waste of sperm turns out homophobic and says the slurs while expecting that I come to date him.

Two important things to note about this guy; he hates femboys for his own sexual attraction to them and despises drawings of men.

Yes, you read that right, dear reader. He’s one of those ‘straight’ men who force Bibles down people’s throats while having skeletons in their own closet. He folded with no pressure as he believed he had a chance of being a candidate of the Lesbian Bachlor without a pair.

Funny how men are when they’ve never had a girl.

I ended up getting out in time with a need for therapy, not assaulted fully despite the threats. I walked out with most of my dignity and a truck-kun worth of spite for the man that needed directions.

Of course I don’t have an readily available Susan to use, so I had to improvise.

One thing I had been practicing in the whole show was the male anatomy. Why? I wanted to draw Vox as well as Twitter takes, that’s why. The guy wouldn’t have it and expected that I draw his big-booby bikini woman for the low low price of free. The jit expected the person he couldn’t respect was attracted to women to draw him attractive women. You can smell the irony from here.

“But Cala, why wouldn’t you draw attractive women that you find attractive instead?”

To that I say… that porn addict could still get his grubby hands on it and goon to that, my child. The jit is chronically online himself despite his deflections. I need to make something so ungoonable to him that if he was to find me out on the streets of the web he would leave pissed.

For 5 months straight, I grinded and looked at every anatomy tutorial known to man to draw men I didn’t dream of. You thought I was just some commoner that made only half the jump in? Hell no, I dove in that water face first without any other thought but a slow revenge. The fact I’m not attracted to it makes the quantity of gay shit maxxed out and I took no survivors. Yes, gay women can draw very good men, I feel like that should be a fact.

Moral of the story is be petty if a man won’t take that bowling ball. Happy Pride from Calamuras… WITH A GIFT!

Finding security in yourself is a one-man mission that usually leads to you having to cut some people off or just simply not be fake, but a lot of people genuinely can't sit by themselves.

Let me give you an example.

I met a girl last month, but I ended up having to cut her off within two weeks out because of her insecurity problems. This girl constantly seeked out validation while putting the people around her down for no reason. I'll give you an example. Someone out needed direction, but she started talking out of her ass. They ended up being wrong, so I just decided to look them up like a normal person. In under a minute, she suddenly wiped out her phone when she sees me doing this and loudly yells to no one in particular "UH, IT DOESN'T TAKE THAT LONG" and shoved the phone into the person's face. I was looking for less than a minute, I was a second away from the answer. The other person looked a little bit uncomfy, I would expect so. That shit was unwarranted and all the girl was doing before was talking out of her ass more.

She isn't a child, but her behavior is fucking atrocious for a grown ass person. I felt like she just started competing with me one day when she realized I didn't feed into her ego. This happened once more and she had literally crossed my clear boundary around touch after saying "I can tell you don't like it, but I do."

The reason I have that boundary is because of my entire year in the third grade. My teacher would intentionally sat me next to a guy who repeatedly grabbed and touched me even when I yelled for him to stop. You can touch me as long as I can see you in front of my body and you don't do it unexpectedly.

Two days later, this girl triggered me because she gripped my wrist this tight grip from behind. I had to rise my voice at her because that was the only way thing got through her fucking head. If someone expresses clearly they don't like something, don't do that thing. There is a good chance you end up triggering someone because of it and could literally end up in harm's way if they don't have a flight or freeze response. That should be common sense, especially when you are just getting to know people. People aren't going to bend to your will or tell you what happened to them immediately.

I feel like she was trying to rush a friendship, but not in the neurodivergent way. It was in that way where people want to be in your business and have constant access to you without putting in any actual work to be a friend themselves. She would literally take things out of my bag without asking, but simply expected that she was allowed to use it. She talked to fill space, not to have an conversation. Until I raised my voice, she was only listening to maybe 4% of what I said, which is probably why important things were glossed over so easily and so often.

One thing I was upfront about it the fact I'm not from this country and I can't understand people if they aren't talking clearly. I'm American, but I live somewhere else and I have problems with processing speech. She, of course, glossed over that fact, and guess what? The one time I needed her to repeat something, she got pissy and started acting like I was stupider. By the way, everyone else who I had to tell this to had no problem repeating themselves because we have clear communication. She is the only person I've met who took it personally and had a problem with it. She talks way too quick for me to process and it blurred the words together. It wasn't an attack, I just can't process words that quickly.

What this bitch believes in her head must be fucked up because whenever I'm helping someone or trying to help another person, she feels the need to YELL at the top of her lungs about how I'm too slow or some shit. I don't fuck with that. She's a terrible listener and didn't even offer to do what I was doing in the first place. She BODY-BLOCKED ME, YES MOVING EVERY TIME.

Personally, I don't believe that bare minimum going up to someone all once and never doing anything with each other is a friend. You just know each other, and that's perfectly fine if it stays that way. I'm starting to see that quite a few people believe that makes them "my friend" automatically, but I have to make it clear that I don't. If you don't hang out and never really talk, then why would I call that a friend?

That's the platonic equivalent of a situationship. I'm good on both of those things. They're just draining to me.

A friend also wouldn't ignore or leave you when someone else comes around. I've had people who would physically get up mid conversation to go to someone and leave to hang with them. Some have turned their whole body to face the other person and neither notice I'm there. Why do this? It's rude. I just end up getting ready to leave and then suddenly they ask where I'm going.

Where do you think? Somewhere that won't waste more of my time. You two have fun while I go off to have my own with someone else. It's not different when I do it, you just don't like to be the ignored. That's not a friend to me either.

If you leave for all the bad times, why should I bother with yours? I'm not a therapist, I don't have a license in that yet. I will listen if you do. It go two ways and you can't expected to just be there whenever you need to vent. One person only came around to dump their luggage on me, and they were surprised when I couldn't do it anymore.

You never even asked how I was once, so why should I?

Why should I have you as my first choice when I'm your 50th on a good day? You only hang out when everyone's doing their own thing, so you try to join mine. "You're always alone!" Happily. You can't sit with me quietly for longer than a minute, can you? I do my doodling and you do you want, but you're with people to hear yourself all the time.

It may be shocking to hear all of that isn't good enough for me to use the label of friends. I don't do last choice or surface level, I'll just tell people that I know you and that's really it. A friend to me is someone who wouldn't pick me last and stay me with me till kingdom come. Of I pour into you, you also have to do some pouring.

I'm searching for someone that could be a good online friend. Don't feel like you have to do if something doesn't suit your fancy, I'm really looking for people who can genuinely accept those things I like and/or also like them.

Without farther ado, my name is Cala. I'm a artist that posts that posts multifandom art on TikTok, Tumblr, Bluesky, and Twitter. I'm a lesbian, completely uninterested in men. I got back She/They, either or is fine by me.

I live 6 hours ahead of EST, but I will make sure to reply when I see it and never be dry with you. If you make art, I will love it no matter your skill level and I have a lot of tips and tricks to share.

I love Hazbin Hotel and Madoka Magica the most, and I will likely have a lot of art related to them in my inventory. On the side, I collect dolls, playline and BJDs. My fav characters are currently Sayaka Miki for PMMM and Vox from Hazbin.

In real life, I can guarantee that you would be scared to even come over and stand near me, let alone talk to me. A little fun fact, I have an extremely flat affect and flat face that could be mistaken for a resting bitch face. If I get a nickel every time I off put someone or they looked like I was about to cuss them out, I would be rich.

One time, a girl complimented me. That's nice until I turned to look at her and this girl probably flinched when she was in my sight.

The sad part is that I'm not a mean girl on the inside, I just look like on without wanting too. It's either kind people don't want to take because of my face or mean people come to me looking for another group member. So, I made my online sona much approachable.

MEET THE STARMAN! All the comments on my post about him say something along the line of he's cute or huggable. I'm going to use him for my YouTube stuff, so he kinda of had to be.

It was a trio at first, but I always had this bad gut feeling about her. All of her replies to anything were "yeah," "oh," or "right." That's fine for a bit, but she never had anything to share. When I say never, I mean NEVER. Every conversation now that I look at it was talking to a brick wall.

Then, the whole copying thing started. My other friend, who brought her around, started not talking as much and overall just looked uncomfortable. Apparently, the weird bitch started copying her exact movements and speech.

Soon this weird bitch brought another weird bitch that talking over me and my friends all the damn time, but never weird bitch 1. Did she even stops this girl? NO, she sat there and turned away to look at her. My idea of what was happening was the fact she was the only non-American in the trio, but we tried our very best to make welcome and a part of the group.

Trios work on 3 duos between the three members, and we were trying to make those two other duos with her. It was her side that didn't want to make it work. It was me and my friend's duo, then we tried making our duos with her. When started doing weird shit, the duo between her and her friend no longer worked. The duo I had with the weird girl wasn't the best either, and she was the one who ultimately broke it with this random rude girl she tried inserting into the group one day.

First of all, weird girl never introduced us to her, she was just kind of that add on and didn't want to get to know us. BUT BOY, did she never shut the hell up for people. This girl was very good friends with people that me and my friend genuinely couldn't stand because they acted different with us. And guess what happened? My friend and I both cut BOTH of them. Now weird bitch goes copying of other weird bitch and they literally hide when they see me out. You know what I did? Ignored their presence the same way they ignored ours.

Call me in the duo in trio all you want. If we ever started a conversation before she arrived, sure as hell we caught her up. If we did something, she was apart of it. The inside jokes were between all of us. Girly just didn't want to admit she hadn't found herself and said shit out of her ass.

'Oh, I like art too.'

"That's really cool. Do you have any pieces?"

'...'

That is an actual conversation I had with her before. I really didn't believe because high school art classes and shit make you take photos at the least. If you post your art, it's on your phone. Your parents at least have photos, over there on some other device. Silence isn't the best option when you are lying to the real fucking deal. The art lie stopped when she realized I wasn't lying either.

It's hard to lie to someone who's knowledgeable in that topic, and this is NOT the first time someone has tried saying weird shit about art to me after I studied that said thing. When she realized that me and my friend weren't bluffing about anything, I think her brain panicked from the fact she didn't someone closer to her level. I really don't know, that's just my thoughts. I haven't said a word to her in a while.

She never told us anything about herself. No clue about if she even has siblings or what day her birthday was. She always said nothing when we'd try giving her the floor to. She wanted to crawl on the door no matter what.

I feel like we would have helped her if she actually wanted it. As much as you can go to therapy, you have to want to change for the treatment to work. The bitch never wanted to change and the chance she comes crawling back when whoever she mimics next leaves her, we are not taking that her back.

Before you hate me, LET ME EXPLAIN.

I feel like these people come to me for the purpose of trying to be in my business. I'm not the person to just take to talk. Fun fact, I'm actually selective mute, so sometimes I don't even get a choice. One thing that really triggers me is loud, talkative mofos. I can't be friends with you people irl, but these are usually the people trying to jump the damn boundaries I make.

I don't feel the need to talk and share everything I think to people the people around me tend to, but people just can't respect that some odd reason. Not everyone in the room has to know I'm a lesbian or that I draw, that genuinely would actually be my worst fucking nightmare because most girls around me are straight. I don't even tell my friends until months in, hell to the no, I'm not just telling random people.

Circling back to my point, let just explain the behavior I see in these types of people. Sometimes they start with simple 'hi,' but they immediately jump what I'm doing and my style. Not me as a person, but what I'm doing or dressed like.

The ones on my outfit immediately, without hesitation, they start bring up socials and pressing for mine. I say 'no' to deaf ears. I have two old accounts to give them, but one time someone genuinely went looking and followed the one I didn't want to them on, and proceeded to stalk me on it. I don't use it anymore, I made a new that is extremely disconnected in name to the old ones.

If you want someone to give their socials and they don't want to, don't press on. It only makes the other person uncomfortable, especially if they're like me and DON'T WANT TO GET FOUND OUT. I've had friends once who knew from faceless art account before they knew me. Now that I do NSFW sometimes, I REALLY don't want to tell you exactly what I do and all the places you could find me. I'm setting up the other Twitter account and I'm going to tell you a trick:

It can be similar, but change the first part of username and nickname so it doesn't come up when people search for you. My moots do it too, and it's the best way to keep those people off your scent.

These people sometimes try going as far as to try looking into my phone or iPad without even asking. I have to angle my screen away from them and out of the corner of my eye, I'll see this bitches trying to LEAN IN subtly. That's weird, you're a fucking weirdo and you're giving more reasons to not want to fuck with you. That shit isn't cute.

Fun fact, I was the class artist for SEVERAL YEARS WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE. A good portion of group projects I've done have been me doing either most or just straight all of the work that it got to the point my teachers just started to let me do things alone.

I wasn't a 'bad' artist. My art was decent for a beginner back then, but I literally had no friends and people only came to me to draw them shit. I rarely get compliments compared to "draw me this." No fucking please? Y'all don't say thank you and the fact a small price turns them away shows me that you just want to waste my time. It's always random people I would never be friends with or the ones that becomes 'friends' just to be leeches that do this shit.

Last year, I was friends with this girl who ended up being a bit crazy. Of course, my dumbass didn't want to admit it because I hate the fact my gut feelings about people are ALWAYS right. Like one day of this friendship, she writes a request out on my iPad and with no please, the bitch says "draw me this." Huh. What? I didn't hear you. I don't hear tomfoolery. My gut feeling I had about this girl for MONTHS before that was proven right and it only got worse far there. I will tell that story at another time.

For all the baby artists, if they don't want to pay for your time and they aren't acting like your friend, DO NOT GIVE THEM JACK. Beg you not to. You will just feel drained after. You have to learn to say 'no,' no matter who is asking. Assert the fact you don't do free commissions and keep it moving.

In fact, free commissions don't actually exist. It's considered a request if money isn't involved. The definition of a commission according to Google is "percentage-based FEE PAID to a salesperson for selling goods." Free 'commissions' are trades like art trades or artfight. You're getting free art of your ocs free of charge, there's no real money.

I'm too fucking oblivious for that shit. I can't tell if you're flirting, but my fat ass will take your free food. Genuinely, me and a fish have more in common with how I will take food if you offer it. As long as I don't pay. If I'm ever with a straight girl, take me out back and end me. What the other lady said.

Genuinely, I perceive someone flirting like there is something wrong with them and if they try touching me, I'm side eyeing heavily and moving away. I don't want your crazy. I don't want your disease fingers on me. Last time I met someone wlw, she was a bitch to me and only me for months. To this day, god knows to me why. I never fucking got the memo.

A lot, and I mean A LOT, of artists that I thought were cool as hell have followed me in the past three months and every time I just feel so undeserving of it. I genuinely start questioning why they would want to moot me. I know my art isn't bad by any means, but being recognized is something else. It's like my brain had never downloaded the update that came with improvement.

It may be from the fact I used to being ignored or just start up bullied at times. People generally thinks there's something off about me, so to be seen by people I love the works is like a foreign concept to me. I'm not that big of a creator, and I usually go passively viral. I value going over 20k views multiple times over 1 million once. Call me weird for it, but I would want a bunch of people that know nothing about art to jump me. That scares me.

I got the same feeling during my first artfight last year. The fact that someone took time out their day would genuinely have me in tears sometimes. I was really doing it because I want to draw other people's ocs and went trying to give people with few attacks art. I didn't really think I was going to get anything back. The thank you comments the people left were what gave me joy.

I usually forget that I'm done that and think that I'm not worth the trouble of someone bigger. That has been proven wrong about 7 times now, one happening today even.

I'm not a shy person by any means, but the people around me thinks that I avoid being complimented. People don't compliment me often, in fact, the people who have look scared of me. It's like they're bracing for impact.

He has no job, comms, talents, or community. Jit watches porn a lot to the point it's concerning that he doesn't believed science about the female body.

He tried saying I use Twitter too much when I literally post my art, like some of my moots' art, and dip. All this because I didn't draw a big tit woman in a bikini for him and the fact I'm gay with no expectations.

It feels like no matter how much I pour into my confidence, looks, how I treat others, and how I come off, the worst people will still be the ones to come to me because I'm alone and extremely off-putting in a way that most people don't like. I really don't get it.

I have known I'm a fucking weirdo for a while, that nugget of information wasn't new to me. I was the weird kid that played alone on the black top with a stuffed animal. Why? The other kids just didn't fuck with me and I said "ok, bet." I was the only black girl in the whole school.

Genuinely, what about me now I live in a black ass country turns people off? I'm an American, but that was never a turn off. It's like there is this one thing everyone else notices about me that I don't know and no one can tell what it is. Is it Vox my guardian angel? Is that it? I had to know the answer, self-esteem improving along the way.

I've been looking in Autism lately, not wanting to self-diagnose but I did quite of research over the years. I genuinely do have a vast majority of the symptoms and I can remember times from when I was little that made them all the more apparent to people. I don't know what the vindict is until I run it by my therapist and go from there. If I do have it, it can explain at least some of why people, girls especially, don't like me on sight.

I genuinely think that my parents may have some type of neurodivergent, yes, both of them. Growing up, they were both horrific with social cues and were floaters or just straight up alone like me. My mom has a whole collection that is organized by author and book in the same way I have a doll collection organized by line, brand, and the type of edition they are. Look, I'm not saying it, but if the shoes fits. My dad starts things and has trouble finishing them before he moves on the next thing. If I have a nickel for every time he was randomly starting something out of the blue, I would be able to afford a 3 bedroom house. The reason I even got this far without learning how to mask is because it was probably normal to them when I tiptoed everywhere in the house and only ate a handful of different foods with the sauces on the side.

The signs have always been there, but they were never commented on. Before I say anything else, I want to add the fact Autism rizz never found me. In fact, pretty privilege has never looked me in the fucking eyes because I fear I'm acquired too many a random hidden talent for it to be outweighed on the scale. People compliment me, yes, but my friends seem to have more jealousy from the fact work like a music machine. Shit don't pretain to my face or body, sure as hell my expressions and body language.

At first I thought it was because I'm a lesbian or the fact I'm just not basic. I like dressing up when I go out because I don't go out with people often. Maybe the girl think I'm attracted to her, I don't fucking know how flirting works. Okay, fine. I accommodated that fact in all of my friendships because I absolutely don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. I upfront with the fact I like pussy, saves me 16 different cut scenes. Still, they get turned off and I go back to the drawing board.

Then, I thought it was the fact an artist and the fact I have a whole doll collection. That's just a lot of little women around my room. Okay, I just don't show them that. STILL NOTHING. It's not that I love Madoka Magica and Hazbin Hotel. But, with my moots there are no problems to be seen, and now I'm confused. It's not about anything internal that I would notice, but my family is always commented on my face and body language.

Apparently to everyone but me, I look like I would snap at you if you looked at me wrong. To the average Joe, I'm fucking intimidating as shit without even trying. I'M NOT MEAN, I PROMISE! I DON'T DO IT ON PURPOSE, IT'S JUST MY FACE! On top of that, I don't tend to use different tones and expressions. KILL ME NOW, OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Now I'm learning more Autism in women, I realized I too have more masculine traits that tend to be more present in Autistic women. Let me explain, it has to do with the fact neurotypical women expecting this unspoken image of feminine that someone who doesn't notice social cues wouldn't notice. As a result, I look a bit funny a lot of the time BECAUSE I SIT LIKE FUCKING VOX WITHOUT REALIZING. I'm a femme lesbian. Not the gays, but the straights that I would be fine being friends with.

Theatre kids have genuinely made me hate that class to the point I was walking in the room with dread every day. A lot of the people in there were the wannabe popular kids, so they were a bitch to work.

One guy specifically would always make himself the leader in every project and get us the lowest grades for the simple fact his ideas sucked ass. Half of them were literally just stolen off of existing shows, but he had no fucking clue what actually made them good. In fact, he stole my own idea and tried adding random shit that wasn’t even used. It was my idea, why not let, I don’t know, THE PERSON WHO MADE IT lead the damn thing? The final product sucked and he and his little had to the nerve to side eye me when HE ASKED MORE INPUT. The other two could.

I got to the point I just switched art class, not like I could avoid it anyway.

Look at the difference!!

Late 2025 Today