avs in 7 (sad trumpet noises)

Sports RPF is more durable than most fanfiction when it comes to filing off the serial numbers to sell because we’ve already internalized the key character types and narrative tropes in a Sports Narrative, but for non-Canadian/non-hockey viewers all the reasons for them to be Heated Rivals in the first place are missing. Like I’m not blaming Tierney & Co because their primary audience has been steeped in the culture whether or not they wanted to be, but no I don’t think the average global viewer knows how 100% Deadly Serious it is for Canada’s next great one to lose the top draft spot to not just a European but a Russian (the only sport so retrograde they’re still racist against Slavs) or how Canadian sports media and fans treat a bunch of teenagers when they don’t win gold at World Juniors or even how deep the Habs/Bruins feud runs. You eventually see some of that pressure on Ilya, but only through the lens of Russia being Evil and Bad.

the way that the Penguins, as a franchise, are regarded (by some)/like to think of themselves as a Classic Franchise maintaining the Purity of Hockey, led by the Goodest Most Serious No Fun Boy in the Entire World Sidney Crosby--except oops, the Goodest Boy has a temper but refuses to acknowledge it and insists, no, he (don draper voice) doesn't think about Them At All, and if they're mad, perhaps it's a Them Thing;

the way that the Flyers embody (to some) the worst (or best) things Philadelphia sports have to offer, including: unchecked and cheerful aggression, refusal to take anything seriously (except when it is Dead Serious), and a general "haha i'm not touching youuuuuu" dirtbag energy, not to mention, of course, the worst (or best) fans in the world, depending on who you ask;

franco-ontarian claude giroux refusing to engage with the narrative that all of canada has been thrusting upon him/the world/the sport since the year 2003(ish), that sidney crosby is the second coming of christ (wayne gretzky) and there's something Noble and Beautifully Canadian in his Bearing that makes him Great, because if you ask claude (which no one is at first, and then they can't stop asking him about it) sid really just Isn't That Great anyway;

the politics of pennsylvania which i do not feel like getting into as much as i could, but the headline of which is: both cities have a chip on their shoulders about their places in Federal Politics (philly being a holdout Blue Hub that makes an otherwise red state purple; pittsburgh as an Appalachian [or appalachian-adjacent, depending on your definition] working-class town where Labor Still Means Something; both being disregarded by much of the rest of the country until it comes time to #GetOutTheVote);

the fact that they fluctuated between vocally talking about hating each other (both on-ice and to the press) only to immediately turn around and insist no, it's Nothing Personal It's Just Sports, then to insist No Actually We Do Hate Each Other, then to show up at the IIHF World Championships both on Team Canada cheerfully chirping each other and blushing in interviews about it, only to finally go back to their respective pennsylvanian and canadian cities and start the whole thing over again. and they did this for like. years.

Hold on...

Zoom in...

bottom ten team: we have just paid a player that no one has ever heard of TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS

jason robertson: no i dont want to be paid 15 million dollars by YOU. who want me tho? no fr who want me?

ducks: we HATE our group

canes: we LOVE our group

half the league: captains? anyone want to be the new captain? no?

kings: i am going to pay a random 40-year-old 8 million dollars a year. yes this is getting us a cup

kraken: well fuck me i guess. worth a shot

connor bedard: i am going to KILL MYSELF

mike grier: well they dont call me big money mike for no reason. you get 8 mil and you get 8 mil and everyone gets 8 mil except for the guys who were alr on the team!

panthers + also gleb for some reason: i am going to KILL EVERYONE ELSE

habs: oui oui puppies! and kittens! and rainbows! and every one of them gets a choco chunk cookie (reasonable contract and term).

danny briere to his ex situationship: "hey... time to run it back... no fr tho... u still want me?" *crickets* "ok watch me money spread. you want me now?"

everyones goalies for some reason: "bye"

elliotte FUCKING friedman: your favorite fourth liner just got sent to HELL for future considerations

the anxious nerd 🤓 & hot girl 💅 trope is alive and well

mcdrai | the drop | oilers+

sans restriction | ep 533 (13:10)

talk about [Mack's] talent. you played with Mack, Sid, Connor, they're the same humans.

V : i'd say Connor is different, Connor is so explosive, you know Sid is fast but it's IQ. Connor's IQ is incredible but he's so explosive, the second you forget he's on the ice it's over for you. it's funny when you see old clips of vets -i don't remember who- they're mic-ed up, Connor's coming and they're like oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit, Doughty too. when you see guys like that you know they've been around, react like that it's wild