not even the memories are immortal

“it’s the only thing i’ve ever felt” really says it all. niall would follow ruben to the ends of the earth—into a locked barn, in this case—if it meant feeling alive, feeling anything at all, if only for a second. he has ruined his life chasing that high elsewhere, only to find that everything pales in comparison. it was always supposed to end like this.

ruben talking about the abuse he faced in childhood is perhaps the single most devastating thing i’ve ever watched on screen. the dialogue and performance is so visceral and harrowing, the way ruben transforms back into the vulnerable child he once was, leading you to the shattering realisation of how different his life could’ve been if all that pain, and the inability to cope with it, hadn’t overshadowed everything. there is no excuse for a lot of the things ruben has done, but every single one of his transgressions has you grieving for that little boy who wasn’t protected and therefore had the choice to be good taken from him long before he realised it. there was no one to teach him how to love and be loved in a way that doesn’t also devour and destroy.