A day in the life. Whatever that means...

So the weekend was decent. This whole self reflection thing is opening my eyes to unseen parts of my life. I won’t lie though, sometimes I feel like I am just putting a label on my problem, so I can feel better about understanding it more. Like...do I really break up with myself or did I just relate to a podcast episode so much it resonated with me and how I felt at that moment? It’s times like these where I feel I am a fraud...to my own self. But...am I? If your wondering by now if I have seen a therapist, yes I have and the bytch put me in a group therapy session with an undisclosed name until I got my official release papers and it was a narcotics anonymous group. WHAT!? I’m not an addict at all. I smoke a lot of weed, but at that time I wasn’t. It goes without saying that I was extremely insulted and associated her positioning me there as her saying “your problems are so little compared to others”. That very well may be true...sure...but they’re big in my eyes...and ginormous in my head.

I’m losing sight of the point of this post..

Yes, a decent weekend. Friday night I rolled a nice Indica filled joint, poured myself half a serving of Makers Mark, flipped the tely on and went straight to Youtube. **types in trippy videos to watch with music** The trick to watching a trippy video with music is to mute the music and blast your own music on speakers. Oh, I guess I should disclose this now, I’m obsessed with my music choices. I use to work at a stereo shop that sold the highest quality of sound systems, movie theatres, car speakers, yada yada. Shit was dope. I just so happen to get a crazy deal on the stereo system I have and thus, my first child was brought into my life. Yes, child. These things fucking rock and yes my neighbors hate me (sometimes). As you can imagine, I was feeling relaxed. The beat was within me shaking up every cell of my body. Euphoria rushing in and around me. Solo dancing in the living room, hell yes I fucking dance on my own. Outtaa here don’t judge me. 

The night was great, I went for a great morning walk Saturday and headed on over to my girlfriends house down the street. A birthday brunch celebration with the gals, woo-wee! And woo-wee is 100% sarcastic. This whole week I’ve been self reflecting to the point where I can’t turn it off. When I stepped through the door to see my friends, I immediately felt like I was shriveling up in a self-conscious ball of anxiety. I felt out of place, though I’ve known these people for years. I think, am I good enough..is my body hot enough..do I have their approval?

Why, why, why, why....and I know why all along. They are toxic. They have the ability to suck you into a unrealistic world of perfection. I raveled right up into it...my strength was defeated in a matter of minutes. The day turned to night, avoiding pictures, avoiding sobriety to “manage” the thoughts and feelings running through my head. Night turned later night...and we all know what happens then. The broken out, individual girl talks. The whole time I was a part of each one, I listened and appreciated their insights...but I couldn’t help but feel the way I see things isn’t appreciated. Why am I giving my two cents when you don’t acknowledge or ..honestly...even want it? Why am I here?

My short breakdown left me sulking in my now dried tears. Throughout the day, I kept getting waves of relief, crashing over the sadness that lives in me. It wasn’t until the other day, when my boyfriend left to go on a trip that I realized as much as I am going to miss him...I need this time by myself to sort this shit out. Turns out...I really really need this alone time. Just 48 hours later of silence around me, my thoughts to myself and forcing myself to get back on my strict routine (diet and exercise...it’s for my autoimmune disease so I stay in remission, don’t @ me) I am starting to feel a sense of calm. Not happiness, but a sense of the light at the end of the tunnel coming closer. To be honest, it pisses me off that I need to be completely isolated to begin to fix myself. Life doesn’t work like that, I have a dog and a boyfriend that I live with. These people are a part of my life and I plan for them to remain there...so why can’t I fix this issue when they are there??? This will be my next quest for sure.

The important thing I realized is I have an unhealthy relationship with myself. I’m so strict with myself to the point that when I “cheat” on my routine, whether it be my diet, exercise, morning routine, evening routine, sticking to a to-do list, I beat myself up so much. I mentally put myself in a dark hole that is almost un-escapable. I rip apart my body image because I am bloated or I’ve drank a lot of coffee and my teeth are yellow...stupid shit that shouldn’t matter. I realize these things are sooo not important, yet I strain on them so much.

Every time I get to this point, it’s like I’ve hit a wall and had enough with myself. I break up with myself. I’ve disconnected myself from everything that keeps me aligned...keeps me moving forward. I enter this warping black hole and spiral around and around, going nowhere. Eventually, some kind of subconscious mind angel floats on into the picture and vomits positive phrases, mindset tools, and reminders to myself, encouraging the release of this black hole. Hence, the breakdown. 

My subconscious mind angel reminds me to raise my value. Channel this nutty, negative behavior and hit the release button. Even if just half the load comes out, I still feel better afterwards. In this instance, I’d say about a quarter was released. Enough to get me back on my feet and away from the sulking.

Queue the overachievement that puts me in my high point!

Whatever it may be, I know for a fact I tend to put myself in a position where I challenge myself to accomplish an achievement I’ve never done before. The achievement just so happened to be work related, so the benefits were good for myself and those affected. Long story short, it felt really really good. It had me putting my foot in the stirrup. Not quite jumping onboard, but were getting there.

Moral of the story...I break up with myself a lot. I can’t be the only one who is hard on themselves to the point that they can’t even stand themselves. It’s silly think that someone at my age still struggles with these feelings...were not in high school anymore!!! The truth is, folks think being emotional is a high school phase and your expected to grow out of it...like what...who are you...my emotions are a part me. I can’t grow out of it, I can grow into it and that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. So no matter how many times I break up with myself, I know I’m going to learn something new that will help me next time. Next time, I will understand I was too hard myself. I need to forgive myself. Forgive and move on to stay aligned.

Tossing, turning, one foot out, one foot in, arm over head, arm holding belly. Beads of sweat forming in unusual places. Another toss, another turn...fuck it!! Slow motion movement to the bathroom, swiftly, calmly filtering through the medicine cabinet. “What time is it? Ugh, where is the damn Pepto-Bismol. It’s gotta be 3 or 5 in the morning...oh, shhh Cail you’re being to loud. Where even is my phone? Ugh...I’m so uncomfortable, I hate this shit.” **Looks at Apple Watch** “4:14 AM...okay that’s fine. Let’s take these, lay on our side, and hope for the best”. Squirming to bed, 30 minutes later...strange dreams and a few tosses later, it’s 7:30 AM. 

Pre-menstrual cycle mindset coming in hot on a Friday: “Wakey wakey bitch! It’s time to start the day, let’s get going....who can we piss off today with some A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E?!?!”. **Rolls over to re-veal soon to be victim of crime (aka my lovely boyfriend).**

I don’t know about you guys, but my menstrual cycle turns me into a goddamn snapping turtle. For no reason, I whip out the “Tude” and provoke some tension between myself and another individual. It just so happens to be the one person I love most. I swear, he is a blessing. He knows about my cycles and mental mindset...he knows all of them...well maybe not the one I keep hidden from him which if you’d like to know, read my first post. It’s sad :( I’m not 100% comfortable revealing that side of me quite yet. It’s a me thing ya know? I’d like to figure out my own problems first and if I can’t, then I will go to find some kind of advise or comfort. I don’t know if that’s the dumb way to go about it or the independent way to go about it. Y’all let me know. And while your at it, maybe provide some tips and tricks to slide in an apology after provoking unnecessary tension...because my best go at it is to continue on with my day and let it fizzle out. The WORST, I know...I can’t help it. It could be a control thing.

Woken with a deep sense of self loathing, my body and mind were disconnected. Positive magnets forcing a connection that cannot be met. Sluggishly working my way through this routine they call life. Food, coffee, and hours of work later, a blossoming dandelion comes to light. Motivation to strengthen my muscles, mind, and ego emerge. Rising, becoming “normal”, leaving the rabbit hole...temporarily. The sun falls, the self loathing thoughts slip in between the cracks. Let’s hope for a better day tomorrow.

A rollercoaster of emotions yesterday from when I last posted. I wasn’t so sure I’d be able to escape the dark swampy feeling I felt. Somehow, with the constant thought of “sucking it up” and “just keep swimming”, I scruffed up energy to go for a 3mile run. 28 minutes later, the legs were burning, the lungs were wheezing. If you can’t tell...I’m not super in shape at the moment. And quite frankly...I smoke a lot of weed. Legal weed people, legal. Yeah, I got colon problems..that’s a whole other monster I don’t feel like getting into. The monster I do want to get into is the one that is putting me in this state of mind!!! Goddamn menstrual cycle. I feel so alone come this time, yet I know most folks may feel the same..if not even worse. For those who don’t get these rollercoaster of emotions...goodbye...yes, I’m jealous, but bye. 

I look out into the foggy. gloomy abyss. Touches of grey, black, white, and bold greens spread across the murky atmosphere. Looking down, my feet are consumed by mucky brown water, revealing only my frail legs exposed to the fog blissfully, subtlety passing by me. Beyond myself the water continues, undisrupted by the nonexistent nature that surrounds the area. Just dead tree trunks thickly covered with moss and dew. Nothing but myself and this swampy environment, consuming me slowly...

Welcome to my rabbit hole. Welcome to my extraordinarily depressing start to this page. Long ago...maybe 10 years ago...or more (I’m old, yes) I created a page like this. It helped me discover my trends in behavior, thoughts, and mental well being. After a while I drifted away from it...not sure why. Alas, here we are with a new account and fresh start. Fresh start is a fruity way to put it, but I like the sound of it. It reminds me that I have grown over the past 10 years. The person I was before is not who I am today. And if were being honest, I was a wild child and emotionally unstable individual at the time (whooo isn’t when their a teenager, am I right?!?! ...I think). 

My writing is inconsistent and written how it splatters across my mind. Splatter yes, because when I think of something to say, I receive a mental image of words splattering across like headlines on the news scrolling along the bottom...but more artsy and creative.